Men. You so often say something about a woman's intelligence when she says something like this:
You don't care about me!
I don't get enough attention! This is necessary, how dare he! He hasn't called me all day. Whereas I think he should, he should just want to give me attention as often as I want this same attention from him! So that there is exactly as much attention as I need in order to live in peace! And don’t bother yourself with questions: what is he and where is he, and why doesn’t he always think about me. How do I talk about him?
Why do I always think about him, huh? And he’s not always talking about me??? Here are men, all the same, they only think when they want sex. Or they don't think at all. Why does everything seem to be normal: he is nearby and there is a relationship, but such garbage is in my head... Nothing is done normally when HIM is in my head. And something always doesn’t suit you, something is always wrong, something is incomprehensible. As a result, you come to him, and he is at a loss. "I? Not enough attention? Where did you get the idea?
Yes, you're right. This is not normal.
When I first heard the concepts of “species role” and “behavioral program,” I was extremely discouraged. It turns out that I did not understand such an obvious thing! And when I heard about what kind of thoughts women with a visual vector have in their heads, I felt a little ashamed and very funny. Yes, guys, sorry. Well, why was I fooling my head! For yourself, first of all.
So... What am I talking about? About “little attention” and why we need men. And we are to them.
A man wants to give, and a woman wants to receive. In simple words:
The main thing for a man is to pass on the ejaculate and his gene pool to the future. For a woman, it is to receive ejaculate and ensure the survival of whoever comes out of it. To do this, the man stomps behind the mammoth, and the woman waits for him in the cave. If he is able to bring her security-benefit, then he gets the opportunity to fulfill his main task - to sleep with her and pass on his gene pool. There is no other way. Such things.
Although sex is given to us not only for procreation (this is a separate topic), nature has left everything the same. The female monkey will not “give” without a banana. Didn't you know?
What is the meaning of life? In bananas!
A man rushes around, or moves slowly, all thoughtful, or stomps on the spot, or runs quickly... across planet Earth. For what? For bananas! He has a specific role. Depending on what set of vectors a man has, he behaves in a certain way, chooses a certain way of getting bananas-money, and manifests himself:
Skin vector– logical thinking, constant desire for change, leadership, property and social superiority, mental flexibility, ability to adapt to changes.
Anal vector– thoroughness, prudence, analytical mind, painstaking, even meticulousness, ability to accumulate and process information, stability, monogamy.
Urethral vector– advancement into the future, a fire man, an eternal fidget, responsible for his “flock”, puts its interests above his own, always at the head, does not know how and cannot obey.
Muscle vector– visual and effective thinking, hard physical work, cohesion with the team, hard work.
These are the so-called lower vectors. Vector means direction, a certain behavioral program. What vector, what kind of role is given by nature, that is, this is how nature directs us in order to ensure the survival of the entire society. So that everyone does what it is natural for them to do, what they can do. Therefore, there are no universal people who can do anything, any type of activity. Well, perhaps a unique multi-vector one.
There are also upper vectors: olfactory, sound, visual, oral. But it is the lower ones that determine what kind of libido a man has, what kind of sexuality he has.
Man's task
The main thing for a man is not to lose his right to a woman. And he can acquire this right only by realizing his species role. A woman does not have a specific role; her task is to obtain ejaculate and raise offspring (for everyone except skin-visual women).
Now the leather worker has suddenly become a complete social nonentity and cannot earn money, but there is nothing worse for him! But the anal man remained a nobody and did not find himself in the profession, he sits and whines on the sofa about injustice! And the urethral man spent all his ardor on partying and drank himself to death! And the muscle man was left without physical labor!
His pheromones are no longer so attractive to a woman if he does not meet her expectations (the desire to receive bananas). She doesn't want him. Either she regrets it visually, or she can’t quit, she’s used to it anally, and yet she remains close.
So here it is. While we, visual women, want attention, they, men, are concerned about their right to us. They need to confirm it by fulfilling the tasks assigned to them by nature. Fulfilling their specific roles. Therefore, they look at relationships differently. We, women, do not have a specific role and all our concentration is directed towards men, while they are busy with their own affairs and for them this is primary.
It's another matter when he really pays little attention, because he is busy with other women, or is not busy with business. Well, for example, an unfulfilled leather worker is looking for new sexual adventures in order to put a tick in his notebook, and thereby make a substitution, deceive nature. His task is to use the desire for change and novelty in achieving success, making money, developing and improving at work. But instead, he directs the desire for novelty to women and thus proves to himself that he has the right to all of them, supposedly thereby raising his natural rank. A cruel misconception. You can’t fool nature 😉
A woman's job is to inspire
And here is our task, ladies. Although times are changing, and now a woman develops much faster than a man. More and more women are achieving academic success, even going back to their university and school years. More and more women are developing their brains and, along with men, doing work. Not so long ago, women began to experience real orgasm, which, by the way, develops the brain.
The more a man realizes himself, the more he needs an orgasm for brain development. I want an orgasm - I go to the savannah for bananas. Without bananas, the female will say “Bye!”, and not “See you!”. On their first date, he said to her: “Let’s each pay for themselves.” And somehow it immediately ceases to be sexy for her. Why would this be? Nature intended it this way. That's how things are.
OH! He doesn't love me!
Women with a visual vector sometimes think that there is no love. No, that's all. Pays little attention! Everything seems to be fine, but there is no love between us.
Only a person with a visual vector feels love as it is. This is due to its species role. His emotionality has its own special meaning. But when there is no way out, the person feels a lack of attention. Whereas all your ability to feel the strongest emotions can be directed in the right direction - towards compassion and responsiveness to people. And not to receive - for yourself, attention.
Emotional blackmail in a relationship is evidence that a person is not being realized in the visual vector. So, dear ladies, while you are sad about the fact that there is little love, the guy simply may not have the ability to love in the full sense of the verb. Either he does not have a visual vector, or he does, but is more developed and aimed at giving rather than receiving: love me, you pay little attention, look at me, call me constantly, tell me every second how much you love me, or I’ll be hysterical, and so on.
Revelations from an alarmist
Before system-vector psychology, how many moments did I have when I “ciphered” to myself something that didn’t exist? And even now, sometimes, there is such a temptation. But I clearly understand why this happens. In the end it turns out that everything is fine. The same feelings, the person in bewilderment cannot understand why you have a sour expression. And you, a woman, don’t get enough attention. It's time to understand each other, to really understand, and not to speculate on what we don't know for sure.
Now I understand every thought I have. I realize each of my shortcomings and analyze where I got them from. With this skill, relationships are easier, but, of course, there are no magic wands for everything in the world. Relationships are joint work, solely by mutual desire and agreement.
My name is Angelina. Hello! I'll tell you my story. I want you to understand and advise me something.
Burnt with love... I didn’t see anything, I didn’t hear anything... I had only one dream: to be with my beloved. A dream come true. For a long time I could not believe in its implementation. I felt like the queen of happiness.
Fate loved me. You can say that she obeyed all my thoughts. Before I had time to think anything, she, like a goldfish, turned the thought into reality.
At first I wanted him to fall madly in love with me. Fate did not deny me this. Yes, I know that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, but he loves me! Kirill’s feelings are very important to me, no matter how different they are.
Then she became eager to please all his relatives. This also came true. I managed to conquer them. Nephew, mother, his two sisters... And the little nephew is adorable. He never left my side. He tickled him, asked to sit on his knees, said that I was only his aunt... I was loved and appreciated. I thanked them with sincere reciprocity.
And my third wish was fulfilled (like in a fairy tale). I dreamed of living with him. I got this too, can you imagine? True, thanks to my own tears, I got it, and I’m happy. I came for his birthday. And the next day I had to leave for work (I live in another city). He said that we would only be able to meet in April. And this is almost four months of waiting! I couldn't stand it and cried. I cried incredibly hard. I hoped that my beloved would not see my tears, since I locked myself in the bathroom, but he guessed everything and came for me. I expressed everything I think. She said that I didn’t want to wait so long that distance and time would separate us…. He offered to settle matters at his home and come to him for a week. Oh, how I flew with happiness! I agreed and went crazy from the emotions overwhelming me.
Now I had everything I dreamed of. Even more! I didn’t take it so painfully that I had to leave. I was sad, but the fact that I would soon live with him “shrouded” me in optimism.
I came to him, we lived together. Almost a month of heaven! The happiest month of my wonderful life. I left again, promising to return. And she was going to keep her promise. We even joked that I was going on a long business trip. I smiled and believed it. It was easier to think that way.
But I came home, and something changed. No, not me. And not in feelings. And in it. He talked to me on his cell phone and was constantly distracted by something. He started calling less often. I remember that he said that this month would be overloaded for him, and I understood this. But I missed his attention. Catastrophically lacking! I even started to get tired of this “lack”.
I cried, I suffered, different thoughts attacked me. I resisted everything negative as best I could. And I succeeded. I began to see my friends and girlfriends often, I focused on work. I felt good. It gave me patience. I waited and waited for everything to change, but nothing changed. I really wanted to call and speak out, but I didn’t want to “cross out” three dreams. For too long I wanted to “meet” them in reality.
Time passed, flowed, fled. It was trying to help me. And fate did not stand aside. She gave me tests many times. Many people met me and offered to meet me. Some exes, unnoticed, came into my life with whom I began to communicate closely. I found out that I am their best friend... I managed to learn a lot of things that really surprised me. Some wanted to return. Naturally, I didn't need this! And fate understood me. She stopped checking. But the grievances did not let me go.
Dear girls, what should I do? I feel how my beloved and I are moving away. Even though I know that he loves me very much. What would you do if you found yourself in a situation like mine? He behaves the same as before: he calls less often, almost doesn’t answer me on social networks…. I miss him. I don't know what's going on. Despite his behavior, he recently wrote me words that made me even happier. What did he write? “Come forever!”
Reviews and opinions:
For Angelina (from Clarissa):
You ask: “What should I do?” - If a guy did this to me, I would run away and break up. You are suffering, you are ruining yourself, poor thing. No matter how busy a man is, he must always find time for a woman. Personal is more important! Talk to him.....
For Angelina (from Martha):
What kind of guy is this if he can’t pay enough attention, huh? Then they wonder why we find someone on the side. The most interesting thing is that if we did this to them..... Next - obscene expressions. They treat us in ways that are not allowed to be done to them! Our modern peasants remind me of Muslims. And the fact that he wrote to you so that you would come forever means a lot! Think about what you will do.
For Angelina (from Vera):
Once I wrote to tell you to come forever - don’t delay, come! I am sure that he will devote more time to you when you are around. My husband read this article. He's on your side, which surprised me. Where has the male solidarity gone, I wonder?
For Angelina (from Veronica):
Let him come to you himself! He most likely doesn’t even know your parents. Is this really how things are done? I don't understand men. Never understand! Oh, how glad I am that I was born a woman! I don't know what I would do if I were a man. Let men not be offended, but they can be so boring... It’s more annoying when they start pretending to be too busy!
For Angelina (from Rose):
And you get busy. But you drop everything you’re doing to talk to him or be with him. He does not make such a sacrifice. Apparently that's what he needs! Think about whether you need him like this. You’re not a masochist to “torture” yourself like that!
For Angelina (from Nadezhda):
There is love - take care! Maybe she suggested that you weren’t getting enough attention from him. Think about everything again so that everything falls into place. Everything will be fine if there is such love.
For Angelina (from Veronica):
I want my own destiny - a goldfish like yours! Will you let me use it? I'll return it. I promise! I don't need someone else's!
To be continued. . .
The guy doesn't pay attention. -
The guy has cooled down and pays little attention.
Every second girl complains that her boyfriend does not pay enough attention to her. What's the matter: are our men so cold, or are we demanding too much from them?
Of course, any woman needs to feel loved and be the best for someone. If she doesn't feel like herself for her man, it torments her. And it’s not even about compliments (not all men know how to speak beautifully, and the words of some representatives of the stronger sex may mean nothing). But attention... it manifests itself not so much in words as in actions.
Take a closer look at your man. Perhaps he does not call you a goddess, does not swear eternal love and does not stand under your windows all night, hoping to see your silhouette. But he buys you gifts, he carries heavy bags of food from the supermarket, on weekends he cooks you his signature dish. And this is exactly how he shows his attention to you.
You take it for granted and reproach him for not caring about you, that you are not in first place for him. And then it’s his turn to be surprised. He sincerely does not understand what kind of lack of attention you are talking about, because in order for you to spend this evening together, he gave up friends, football and beer! And now, instead of having a good time, you begin to reproach him for not being capable of anything for your sake.
Men and women show love in different ways. For example, you cooked him breakfast in bed, gave him an erotic massage, walked his dog in the morning so that he would sleep more. He bought a dishwasher to make your work in the kitchen easier, and talked on the phone with your mother to please you. All these are manifestations of attention, care and love.
But we, women, expect from our men high-flown words, beautiful compliments, armfuls of roses, and songs under the moon. But agree, if your loved one sang serenades to you every day, but did not even serve you tea when you were sick, would you need such a manifestation of attention?
If you lack romance, talk to him about it. A loving man will listen to your words. But don’t expect drastic changes, it’s better to set an example yourself. Arrange a romantic evening or invite him to visit some romantic city for the weekend. And learn to appreciate the efforts of the person you love, because he really tries.
Hello, Irina!
We have been dating for 1.5 years. But my boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to me and hardly cares for me. I, like probably any other girl, want to receive flowers and gifts, even small ones, but most importantly, from the bottom of my heart. And he... until you say it, he won’t even think. For example, March 8th. My dad and brother run for flowers in the morning, buy something in advance and make a surprise on the holiday. From my friends I constantly hear: “Oh, mine gave me something, and mine gave me such a surprise..”, etc., and I sit and remain silent... because... MY slept until two days later, until I pushed him away with tears, because... at 3 o'clock we had to go on business... and only in the evening did he bring me the last withered flowers...
We live in different areas of Moscow, we see each other often, and almost always at his place. But until you tell him: “Mish, meet me,” he won’t even think... “What, you can’t get there yourself!?” I've become very irritable lately because... Such situations simply began to outrage me. I don’t even know, maybe it’s my fault? Or maybe I want too much? I always approach people with all my heart, especially my loved ones! I try to do everything! I notice all sorts of little things (“yeah, he doesn’t have a scarf for the winter, I need to buy one...”, etc.). You always want to do something nice for your loved one, but he... is somehow in no hurry. Although he swears his love, he says that he wants children. But such inattention...
Elena, Moscow, 22 years old
Art psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena!
They treat us the way we allow others to do it and how much we love, respect, and maintain a balance between “giving and receiving.” Our partners are our mirror. A mirror of those internal problems that need to be solved. We choose those who help us see these problems. Perhaps your young man, by his behavior, is signaling to you that it’s time to start learning to love and respect yourself, build your personal boundaries, increase self-esteem, and establish a balance between “giving and receiving.” Maybe you shouldn’t (like your mother) notice “all sorts of little things (“yeah, he doesn’t have a scarf for the winter, he needs to buy one...”), but think a little about your beloved self and remember that you are a woman. There is no need to try to do everything for him (“I try to do everything!”), leave something for yourself. Give the man the initiative. And now he doesn’t need to strain if there is a person nearby who is trying to do everything for two (at least emotionally). As a rule, such people are not thanked for their excessive attention, but, on the contrary, over time they lose respect for them. Remember balance! Excessive altruism (I will do everything, I will give everything) is also unacceptable for harmonious relationships, as is an egoistic, consumer position (everything is just for me).
Sincerely, Fuzeynikova Irina, art psychologist
Women want male attention, they don’t get it, they suffer and write letters to me.
For example, like this: “ A woman wants more warmth, words and signs of attention, that is, expressions and external manifestations of love from a Man. The man is cold and not used to giving all this away, he is silent, but says that he loves and freaks out when some signs of attention are required from him, he withdraws into himself. A quarrel and resentment begins on both sides. He is as cold as an Iceberg in the ocean, and she wants love). What should both of us do? P.S. Verbal requests do not help«.
Or like this: “ He doesn’t talk about his feelings, I want him to do it sincerely, and not when I pull them out of him. I feel like our relationship lacks this emotional expression due to his past experiences. I am very emotional, I miss emotions from him, I stop feeling that I am valuable to him, it hurts me. Please tell me what to do about this«.
The easiest way, of course, in this situation is to talk not with women, but with their men.
Take this person aside and say, well, don’t be a beech, learn a dozen warm phrases and expressions of attention, put them in the reminders of your phone and do it as soon as the reminder pops up. Let’s say you’re on your way home from work, and here’s a reminder: “Buy flowers for your wife.” I stopped, bought it, brought it home, and handed it over.
Another time the reminder “Tell your wife you love her” chimed. He said and kissed.
The third time, the reminder reminded “Hug your wife right now.” He went and hugged him. If at that moment my wife was not at home, I wrote an SMS, saying, “darling, I miss you, I want to hug you so much.”
That's all. Your wife is happy, she doesn’t write various questions to Zygmantovich, she doesn’t complain about your coldness. Beauty!
Alas, this method will not work - it’s women who write to me, not men. The solution is needed for women, not for men.
Therefore, I will try a proven method and clarify things. It often happens that the clarity that emerges, when everything is in order, seriously reduces tension and suffering.
Let's start with the main thing - men are usually less attentive to relationships than women. For most women, relationships usually come first. For most men, usually - on the third (the gradation is somewhat arbitrary and does not apply to all, but only to the majority).
A woman is usually worried and worried about the relationship. A man is usually worried and worried about his business (in the broad sense - about what he does outside the family). Relationships, wife and children - for him come somewhat after business (although, what is important, most often the business is not for him personally, but for the family). But for a woman it’s the opposite.
This is normal - men and women are complementary, that is, complementary. Our union allows us to accomplish more than we could alone.
However, this is where the problems come from. Women expect one thing from men, but get another. Men expect something else from women, but get something else.
What's the solution? Of course, take into account each other’s characteristics.
It is useful for men to know and remember that relationships for women, due to the characteristics of socialization, are usually immeasurably important and come first on the list of priorities.
It's good for women to know and remember that relationships are usually somewhere in second or third place on the list of priorities for men. This knowledge and “remembering” seriously makes life easier.
A woman wants attention for two reasons - biological and psychological. Biologically, attention is pleasant. Stroking, scratching, hugging, affectionate intonations - it all makes him happy.
Psychologically, attention means that you are the only one for me, as before. And a woman, let me remind you, wants not to be loved, but to be the only one (the link to a note about this is at the very bottom).
Therefore, when a woman talks about attention, she can say it “out of joy”, because she wants pleasant things. Or she may say “out of fear,” because she is afraid that she has ceased to be the only one for a man.
As a rule, they say mainly “out of fear.” And when they speak out of fear, requests sound like accusations, hints sound like reproaches, questions sound like attacks. Because of fear.
Exit? Deal with your fears - what’s going on inside your head that you started to be afraid. Let's say, maybe you've fantasized all sorts of things, but the man, as in the joke, just won't start his motorcycle? Maybe what you consider coldness is actually just thoughtfulness?
A man's love is easy to see - is he trying to make your life easier? That means he loves. Is he coming home? Does it bring money? Helps in different matters? So he definitely loves it. So what, what he doesn’t say, actions are more important than words.
Dear ladies! Before you suffer and grieve, look at what is happening with a sober look. Is a man reaching out to you? Talking to you? Hugs you? Does he come to your home? Spends the night with you? Buying you a bag, boots and a sixth iPhonePlus? So, maybe this is a manifestation of his love and emphasizing your uniqueness for him? Maybe this is important? Maybe look at this, and not your fear?
Let's leave these questions unanswered - as rhetorical...
By the way, about how to overcome fears and increase psychological stability.
And I have everything. Thank you for your attention.
Here are some more notes on a similar topic:
The entry was published by the author in the category tagged , . Post navigation
A woman gets little attention from a man: 105 comments
- Anyuta
Or maybe the lack of warm words and attentions is due to the low level of culture of relations (in our country in particular)? I would like to know your opinion. From my own experience: out of four married couples living in our neighborhood, three regularly sort things out with shouting and swearing...
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Or maybe the lack of warm words and attentions is due to the low level of culture of relations (in our country in particular)?
_Yes, definitely. I wrote about this separately, here -
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Larisa
Pavel, what a great fellow you are! I read your notes regularly, you write about real problems, you put everything in its place, it helps me personally a lot, but it’s not always possible to follow your recommendations. Thanks a lot! Excellently written about the lack of love! Right to the point!
- Catherine
What if your husband shows up at home at 8-9 o’clock and is at work all weekend? How then? And at the same time he says that marriage was created for joint housekeeping. And I don’t want to gain feelings on the side, and for him to gain them.
- Catherine
Paul,
What if a man is NOT “reaching out to you? Talking to you? Hugs you? Buying you a bag, boots and a sixth iPhonePlus?” In my experience, a woman wants warm words and confessions just when a man does NOT make real warm actions. In order not to face the truth, the woman asks: dispel my doubts, say it in words, it doesn’t cost you anything.”
By the way, if what I have listed does not happen, does this mean that the man does not love? Well, to be honest, this is your opinion. It is clear that it is impossible to judge unambiguously and it would be necessary to first listen to that same man. And yet? - Elena
Pavel, good afternoon!
I read all your articles with great interest and listen to your webinars.
Thank you very much for your caring attitude towards RELATIONSHIPS))
All your articles turn out to be very timely for me, and make life much easier for me and my husband. - Helen
Pavel, what’s that joke about a motorcycle? (Sorry, my husband tells me everything I need, regularly :))
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
A page from my wife's diary.
Saturday evening. My husband is acting strange. We agreed to meet in a cafe for a cup of coffee...
I spent the whole day shopping with my girlfriends, thinking that he was upset because I was a little late. He didn't comment on this.
There was no conversation; he was silent all the time. She suggested we move to a quieter place so that we could talk calmly. He agreed, but remained silent.
I asked what was bothering him and he said everything was fine. I asked if it was my fault that he was silent and only grumbled in response. He said everything was fine and I shouldn't worry about anything.
On the way home I told him I loved him, he smiled and continued to drive. I can’t understand his behavior and I don’t know why he didn’t respond to my confession.
At home, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my husband was lost in some kind of fog and didn’t want to be found. He sat motionless and stared at the TV, and seemed very far away and lowered into the water.
Finally, I decided to go to bed, my husband came into the bedroom about ten minutes later and, surprisingly, responded to my caresses, we made love, but still he seemed strangely absent.
I decided that I couldn’t bear this anymore and that I needed to discuss all this in detail, but I noticed that he had already fallen asleep. After crying, I fell asleep too. I don't know what to do. I'm sure he has a different one. My life is a disaster.A page from my husband's diary
Saturday evening.
This morning the motorcycle broke down, but we had some good sex.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Lyudmila
What should you do if, due to a lack of attention from your husband, you feel lonely and useless? How to deal with this (work, courses, sports, although distracting, cannot replace hugs and kisses, which are so lacking). I understand that a man’s business (in my case, really business) comes first, the car comes second, his wife comes third, but I really want to spend more time together, at least on the weekends. But alas, on weekends it’s your favorite car, on weekdays it’s business, on holidays it’s your favorite mother. It turns out I'm even in 4th place. And yes, I forgot about fishing and friends. Total, legitimate 6th place. How to learn not to ask your husband for what he cannot give?
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Lyudmila, some individual work is required here -
- Michael
> I understand that a man’s business (in my case, really business) comes first, the car comes second, his wife comes third
Imagine that you have to set priorities, what is more important for you: to come to work on time/do business or to spend more time with your husband? If you don’t come to work on time, you will be fired, you will have nothing to buy food or pay rent. It turns out that work is a part of your Self, and not separate concepts like “friends” or “mom”. It’s the same with your husband, because if he quits his business, he’ll be forced to sit on your neck. Will you feed him until he retires? - Dina
It’s the same bullshit. My friends advise me to have someone else on the side. I can’t. and sometimes you want it out of spite.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Pauline
Pavel, your posts have the ability to sweep garbage out of my head.
Thank you, the article is very useful - as always.
With your help, I make the atmosphere in my family calmer and happier. Thank you very much. - Tatiana
Pavel, why then does a woman need a relationship with a man?
If relationships are always a priori less important for a man than for a woman, then it will always be a one-sided game. This is not an equal contribution to a relationship - when a woman invests everything she can (relationships are the greatest value for her), and a man - only according to the residual principle, what is left after work, friends, parents and fishing.
With this approach, she will always lack attention, because attention is a limited resource. She will always feel like second (third, tenth) class, which, in fact, is what happens, and that is why women talk about lack of attention.
If a man is not ready to overestimate his attitude towards relationships, then the woman can either reduce the value of the relationship for herself and pay less attention to the man - but then the relationship becomes at risk, we remember that a man doesn’t really need them, since he is about a third of them places in life - or don’t join them. Entering into a relationship and constantly suffering that you and the relationship with you are not valued is also not a solution, I think.- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Pavel, why then does a woman need a relationship with a man?
_First of all, it’s nice :)Thirdly, I understand your confusion and resentment(?). I will write a separate note on your questions. Wait, it will happen :)
- Victor
But really - why?
“an egoist is a person who loves himself more than other egoists”
According to your scale, values for a man are located as follows (correct me if I’m wrong)
1. Work
2. Friends
3. (probably) Parents, hobbies,
4. Wife
The wife, naturally, is not happy with her place and wants to take the first one. The desire is understandable.
Now let's look at the situation from a different angle. Will friends tell their husband in the form of an ultimatum to move their priority to the first place? Are parents and everything related to hobbies pushing friends off their pedestal with work? I strongly doubt it because these subjects (or objects) understand the objectivity of such a ladder. Work is a means of livelihood and a way of personal expression. Friends are the result of a long evolutionary selection of those with whom a given person is comfortable and even necessary to communicate. Parents - their place in the life of ANY person is beyond doubt. A hobby is a physical and psychological release that is necessary for everyone, regardless of gender and age. Why did the wife sit so low? What if you work together, for example? What if you have a lot of mutual friends (which is not uncommon!)? What if your hobbies coincide or overlap? What if relationships with his parents benefit not only him, but also you? Yes, this way you have a chance to take ALL 4 lines of the rating! What, but it works? Then it may simply be that you have little in common. Home, life, children. ALL. Then why be surprised?
PS Another phrase caught my attention
“When a woman invests everything she can, and a man only invests according to the residual principle”
how you famously exposed a man who supposedly invests LESS than a woman. And where is the scale? Let me explain. For example, a woman invests very little in a relationship (in absolute terms), but then everything she can, and a man invests only half, but his “half” is 2 orders of magnitude larger, again in absolute terms. if you like, then translate this, for example, into hours and minutes. A woman can invest only an hour and gives it all away, while a man can invest 3 hours, but only invests half, but 1.5. Why did I write this down? Yes to that. that some people like to juggle words and facts to manipulate others. IMHO.
ZZY Pavel, as always, thank you so much for your work!
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Mikhail Beskorovainy
“The woman is worried and worried about the relationship. A man worries and worries about his business (in the broad sense - about what he does outside the family). Relationships, wife and children - for him come somewhat after business (although, what is important, most often the business is not for him personally, but for the family). But for a woman it’s the other way around.” © Pavel Zygmantovich.
It’s funny, just yesterday I watched a whole film called “Locke” (“Locke” in the original) with a mention of this thesis. I won’t retell the plot, it’s long and tedious, and the film itself as a whole is drawn out, it could have been packed into 20 minutes.
The scene from there, it seemed to me, clearly illustrated the above thesis:
The main character goes to London, thinking that this would be the right thing to do, he went and told everyone the truth, he had already quarreled with his wife because of infidelity, he had already quarreled with his boss because of abandoning the project on the eve of an important event to pour the largest foundation. At the same time, he believes that any situation can be corrected, tries to establish contact with his wife, and is still managing the project by phone, trying to find the phone number of an authorized person to solve the problem of the truck corridor.
Dialogue with his wife:
- I would like to hear that you will wait for me, and I can return. That we can talk, talk about everything, and then fix at least something. I really want to know that I can come home tomorrow, talk to the boys, well... everything as usual. We can go for a walk or something, have a drink, talk about it. I want to know that I'm not going one way. I want to know that I'll be heading back when the sun rises.
“Ivan, let me ask you a question: do you still need that phone to block roads?”
- Yes...
- Well, then goodbye Ivan...- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Thank you, wonderful illustration :)
- Veronica
In this film, the hero goes to a maternity hospital in another city at night, where his mistress gives birth - for some reason you didn’t mention this))). He told his wife about this by phone, which was a big surprise for her))). She began to become hysterical, so most of the so-called illogical phrases are connected precisely with her hysteria and the shock she received. And to be honest, I don’t understand at all how one can equate the behavior of the hero’s wife, fictionalized by the author, with the behavior of real women. This is just a feature film, where, for the sake of vividness of the plot, everything is exaggerated to unrealistic proportions...
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Olga
I disagree with the opinion of the hon.
author.
In that case, a man behaves as it is written in the article when this particular woman is not very important to him. Or, as he believes, tightly tied to him. Indeed, then he will not “invest in the relationship” - there is no need to invest in something that has no value or you will always have anyway. And the only way out for a woman is to increase her importance. Have a very interesting, exciting job with a high income, an equally exciting hobby, a bunch of friends, etc. But in this situation, she won’t have to humiliatingly beg for crumbs of love and attention. And even vice versa - he will have to behave in such a way that she would like to somehow carve out an hour for common leisure time with him.Since this is not the first article that has left me with an extremely unpleasant impression, I pray: tell me how to unsubscribe from the mailing list? VK unsubscribed, but I don’t see a magic button here. I will be extremely grateful for your help.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Since this is not the first article that left me with an extremely unpleasant impression, I pray: tell me how to unsubscribe from the mailing list? VK unsubscribed, but I don’t see a magic button here. I will be extremely grateful for your help.
_There is a link at the very bottom of each letter - to unsubscribe from the mailing list. Can't you see her? - Nellie
A high-income job, an exciting hobby and a bunch of friends do not at all guarantee that a man will beg for a woman’s attention. He can easily leave and find someone who will find time for him, and he will not beg for it.
P.S. From my own vast experience as a practicing psychologist and a successful lady in all respects.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Anonymous
It seems that everything is written correctly, actions are more important than words... But personally, I am sorely lacking words and some completely impractical actions. The same flowers and all sorts of romantic madness. And the husband’s job, which provides a comfortable existence, incl. I'm already starting to hate it. The common hobby through which we got together is gradually moving into the background: my husband is no longer interested, and there is simply no time and energy left after 9-10 hours of thoughtful programming. I also work 8-10 hours a day - not because I really love work and not even because we need another income, but at the insistence of my husband. And I really need words and all sorts of romantic “nonsense” precisely because I am already becoming a Satan from everyday manifestations of love: “brings money, feeds, clothes.” And it seems to me that this is familiar to many women: they want to feel like a woman, and not a domestic cat that you can feed and scratch in between, and that’s all.
What to correct in such a situation: yourself (break yourself over your knee and “don’t want to”) or the man (force him to talk and create romance)? And how to do this? - Solnce
But what to do in this situation: he buys everything, takes care of it, he left his wife for me after 30 years of marriage, we already have children, we’ve been together for 10 years, but I recently found out that he still has a mistress, he’s been with her for 3 years already, She is 20 years old (she has been married for a year) I am 30 years old. I'm at a crossroads. He stated that he needed peace at home and that’s all. I don’t even know if it makes sense for me to stay with this person. ..
- Olga
The essence of relationships between men and women is shown very well in the film “8 Women”. One unfortunate man was “hung” by 8 women - mother, daughter, wife, lover, etc. And everyone wants something from him - attention, money, support... Isn’t that too much for one? In the end, the man was killed.
In Russia the ratio is no better than in France. In general, female insatiability and greed are well shown in the fairy tale “About the Fisherman and the Fish.” Women, unfortunately, do not know how to appreciate what they have; they want everything at once. If you are not satisfied with your relationship with your husband, get a divorce and look for romance.
An example of female “gluttony” is Princess Diana. She also wanted everything at once - to be a princess, a princess of hearts, to be at the very top of the social ladder, the mother of two wonderful sons... For complete happiness, she needed to own the heart of her husband... It seems to me that women need to slightly moderate their desires. Ask yourself: what does a relationship with me give my husband? What does my relationship with my husband give me? Draw conclusions. And don’t be like the unfortunate Lady Di or our old woman, who wanted to become the “Mistress of the Sea”, but was left with nothing. Love, of course, is a “goldfish”, but it also has an “expiration date”. Happy New Year to all unsatisfied and satisfied ladies! - Lena
Pavel, my boyfriend and I are temporarily separated due to circumstances, what do you think about the phrase “I feel bad without you”? It just rolls off my tongue and really describes what’s going on inside. But the guy can’t say that he feels bad, he’s sad - yes, but not bad, he “doesn’t suffer or get sick.” I feel somehow offended, as if there is no response to my feelings. Can you explain this briefly? Thanks in advance!
- Lena
Phew! Alive and healthy, like a bucket of water on your head, thank you! 🙂
- Lena
- Alena
Yes, this is all nonsense; relationships are also very important for men. It’s just that men are more self-confident, so when they marry a woman and live with her for a long time, they generally stop worrying about paying attention to her. Why? They are simply 100% sure that she won’t rock the boat now, especially with a child. Therefore, you can calmly score and go about your business. But as soon as a woman, for example, demonstrates that not everything is so great, the man also begins to worry and flutter, just like the woman. It’s just that women flutter all the time because of their lack of self-confidence, which is instilled in them (us) in every possible way by glossy magazines, articles about what women lose with age, etc. etc. I think that in another couple of hundred years, when women become more independent, we will finally stop being treated as dolls to serve and please men, and this issue will be removed from the agenda. It's all about realizing your own self-worth. And, it seems to me, such parsley with men in Russia comes from their lack. If the quantity was equalized, women would want to give a damn about all this. And you would think about a motorcycle. So forward to a bright future;)
- Fatina
Buys bags, boots, is silent about love, does not hug... relationships come in third place, this is not a man, but some kind of ghoul, excuse me. I can buy my own things, even flowers.
- Natalia
On the one hand, yes - relationships are not as important for him as they are for me, which is why there is little attention)) everything is fine! And then it starts - maybe there’s little attention because another girl has a lot of it now?... and that’s all)) and again she screwed herself up, she herself was offended, she was upset, it’s good that she didn’t write to him about it)))) and This has already happened to me - in the end he was offended and had a fight, since it turns out he was filming in another city. I sincerely understand his contemptuous attitude towards messengers, I don’t like them myself, but during rare meetings (once a week somewhere), at some point it becomes necessary for me, but he is cold and taciturn.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
And then it starts - maybe there’s not enough attention because the other girl has a lot of it now?... and that’s all)) and again she screwed herself up, she herself was offended, she herself was upset
_Don’t overthink it :) - Veronica
Once upon a time I even regretted that I was not a lesbian), since it seemed that only a woman would understand what I needed. But with time and experience, I realized that there are good, caring men, but, unfortunately, there are not enough of them for all of them..(((
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Maria
Hello Pavel, tell me what to do. We recently started a relationship with a young man, but since he has his own business, he has a catastrophic lack of time for me, we both miss him, but he has no days off, no proper rest, and I am with him I don’t live together, what should I do and how to experience such moments, or does he just not care about me? Thank you.
- Pauline
Good afternoon, I came across your article out of hopelessness while searching on the Internet for what to do, how to understand his “silence” as neither indifference. After reading your article, I still think about indifference to myself. We started dating 1.5 months ago. During meetings everything is super duper. At first he tried, figured out where to go, what to do. To me he is no. He is a very positive character, but he is a bit dry. He writes rarely and very laconicly, without greetings or how are you doing, how you are feeling, etc. I’m an impatient girl and sometimes I’ll write myself and sometimes I’ll offer to meet. When we meet, everything is great, but it seems to me that now is the time when you are interested in spending as much time as possible and learning as much as possible about each other. And he's not very interested. It seems to me that more is possible. You write to him how you are doing, and in response you get that everything is fine and you won’t wait for a response question! Is this indifference????
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Good afternoon
No, this is not indifference. These are the features.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Laura
OK then …
What if your loved one doesn’t work but plays games all day? ...from night to morning And he remembers you only when he wants to eat or drink?! - Jasna
Okay, but what about in a situation where a woman’s world doesn’t revolve around a man, she’s full of her own things to do, but HE doesn’t like the fact that she doesn’t run after him like a little dog while he’s busy dancing? Well, that is. he doesn't like it when everyone is in their own corner. She offered to take the initiative, change something that you don’t like and that’s it...silence. So everything is fine. But I hesitated to show this initiative, so I went, tired, to my corner to do more interesting things. Quiet, no complaints. So they are still unhappy with me. And I’m not the only one with this. Many people themselves don’t know what they want - this is the problem with uncomfortable relationships. To think that all women are narrow-minded chickens, busy only with relationships, is also narrow-minded. Full of developed women with varied interests. But since a woman lives with a man, should he show at least some signs of life? At least minimal so that there is an exchange of energy or something. Swimming and macrame are wonderful, but they will not compensate a woman for her lack of male energy, and sometimes she needs just a little bit of it. And that feeling that you are living with a corpse. And there are a lot of such corpses. Nobody asks them to be hyperactive; they often just want the adequate minimum (if the woman, of course, is also adequate). And many men are even lazy about this. This is due to shortcomings in upbringing and lack of a culture of relationships. Because in the parents’ family, mutual attention was not the norm either. Plus, a lot of people, both men and women, are simply psychologically illiterate. It’s not that they don’t understand the characteristics of the opposite sex, they don’t know themselves. Yes, there are hysterical and irrepressible women who really never get enough attention, but the “cadaverousness” of many men also cannot be justified.
- Valeria
Every time I remind my man that I would like more attention, since now I am forced to live at a distance. Doesn't last long. (I have to remind you again). And this sometimes irritates me, and makes me (which is also irritating) think that my good man is not so good at all. Eh. Yeah. How different we are. Tired. Such little things, but then I cry and don’t sleep at night. How to avoid putting relationships at the center of the table? I don't understand. She’s busy all day long, but he’s always on my mind. That's all. 🙁
- Galina
Good afternoon
Thanks for the article.
Currently on maternity leave with my little son. And my husband’s attention began to be greatly missed.
On this occasion, “I blow his mind.” He takes a position, you’ll calm down later, all women are like that on maternity leave, these are your quirks, it makes no sense for me to do anything, etc.
In general, I agree with the article. A woman (like a man) can only influence herself. And perhaps enduring the period is the most effective.
But I’m very offended (although I’m not a supporter of offence, but it’s difficult to shut up feelings).
I sincerely don’t understand why it’s difficult for men to do what you write about - buy flowers, call a reminder, etc. After all, it’s obvious to them that a woman needs this now. But since a man doesn’t need this, he doesn’t bother.
And I understand that most likely, somehow this period will pass, I will go to work, and will be able to devote time to my hobby. But I already feel that there will be a worm in my soul - when I was feeling bad and needed more attention, I was abandoned.
I understand and agree that a woman should not get hung up on a man, sort herself out, and distract herself with a hobby.
But why not buy a man flowers, give him an extra hug, when it is clearly clear to him that this is what he needs, will help, will make him happy?
And I don’t understand the acceptance from the series “he’s like that for me” - buying flowers is not building a house, etc., you don’t need a lot of resources, if only you had the desire.
And what confuses me is that there is no such desire. Well, in third place a man has a relationship, so what. For me, washing dishes is generally in the back of my mind - I wash them. And not only on holidays. - Margot Ekaterina
Your article helped me so much! So simple and so clear! I re-read it when I start to get overwhelmed and feel lighter, it’s like a stone from my soul! I think I’ll soon remember it by heart😂
- Elena
Hello. So you write: (I quote) “Is a man reaching out to you? Talking to you? Hugs you? Does he come to your home? Spends the night with you? Buying you a bag, boots and a sixth iPhonePlus?” You know, I personally can only answer positively to 2 questions: yes, he comes home, and, yes, he spends the night with me (he only spends the night, he doesn’t sleep intimately). The answer to the rest is this: my husband doesn’t reach out to me at all, doesn’t hug, doesn’t kiss, doesn’t care, doesn’t ask when I’m sick or how I feel. And to give some advice to each other is generally on the verge of fantasy. Just like the fact that he gives me gifts “once a year.” After all, he used to call him affectionately (hare) and say that he loved him. And now for a long time there has been no affection, no warmth, no care, no support from him. What if we are complete strangers?((
Xenia
What should I do? We have been dating a guy for 3 years, we have been living together for 7 months. I want to be both his girlfriend and his friend. I try to fit into his interests, I am happy to discuss any topics of his conversation. I do this because he has a circle of friends (bachelors who love every other day, every other day two drinks, going to cafes and bars, picking up new and new girls every day). The last year has become stressful, the thought often comes to either get married (have a child) or run away, but he doesn’t propose. I get tired of coming home from work, I cook, I clean up and in the evening meet his cold, tired expression on his face. I talked, discussed it with him. Sometimes he changes on the same day and seems to forget the next day.
