Educational issues scare not only young and inexperienced parents. The need to understand the nuances of the psychology of children and adolescents makes the hair stand on end even for experienced mothers and fathers.
And even Mikhail Labkovsky calls the teenage period the most difficult in a person’s life. “Letidor” listened carefully to the consultation and chose the 8 most interesting and unusual thoughts of the psychologist. We hope his thoughts and advice will help us better understand teenagers.
What criteria are used to determine whether a 6-year-old child is ready for school?
In Russia there are so-called ZUMs (abbreviated as knowledge, abilities, skills). For example, your child in the second quarter of first grade should read 120 characters per minute, answer questions about what he read, and so on. In my life, in addition to 10 years of working at school, I also went on excursions to two schools - an Israeli and an English one.
Their primary school lasts 6 years, not 4 years. And they don’t care at all who is at what level of development. There are children there who in 2nd grade know the 6th grade program, and there are those who in 5th grade do not know the 1st grade program. They believe that these are features of age-related development and do not consider it a problem. This is not the case in Russia: the rules here are very strict. Well, accordingly, the output is the same: 50% - academic performance in elementary school, 11% - on average. Do you understand what 11% is? That is, 89% of children do not master the program at all.
For a boy, the main thing is that he is tall and healthy. That's all he needs to do. Because if he’s small, he’ll simply be punished on September 1st.
As a psychologist, I can say that for a boy, physical development, not social, psychological, mental and so on. If he can fight back against his classmates, let him go to school.
How to behave with a 7-year-old child for whom there are no authorities?
Firstly, he can be punished. The child has no authority, but he certainly has values. To understand what is wrong with a child - a lack of authority or a problem with communication - you need to ask him to draw a person on a piece of paper. If you see that the picture is missing ears, a mouth, eyes, fingers, or anything from this spectrum, for example, ears, then the child really does not hear you. This is how you have to accept it directly. In terms of development (7 years old), in terms of communication, he is even younger.
If a child (12 years old) does not want to play sports, how do you understand at what point you need to listen to his desire, and at what point you need to insist on your own?
What is there to understand? The child doesn’t want to study! There is never any need to force anything. Now you need to let go of everything and not take your child anywhere at all. If after some time the child expressed a desire, and you drive him and pay money for him, then tell him directly: “What do you mean “I want” or “I don’t want”? Let's agree: if you've been going for a month or two, then we'll continue. As soon as I said “I don’t want to”, we don’t do anything further.” Then the child will have at least some responsibility.
According to child psychology, at the age of 12 a circle of interests is already formed. He is not 5 years old and not 8. But because he is forced, he continues to act like a 5 year old. Because he doesn’t understand what he wants, because it was imposed on him from the very beginning.
Give your child the opportunity to choose for himself, do not put pressure on him. And only after that, don’t just call for responsibility, but simply set a condition: either the child studies, or this topic will be closed.
How important is it to unconditionally accept everything a child says?
About trust. If a child lies, then he has reasons for this. He feels this way, and it’s already true. If some event that the child is talking about did not happen, but he says so, he has a reason for this. In this sense, you will have to trust him.
My friend has small child(5.5 years). He takes him to preparatory group to school. The child is such a hooligan - he began throwing other people's briefcases over the fence. He was punished and his father was summoned. Then the father and son get into the car, and the child says to him: “Dad, you and I have the same blood, right? Who will you trust?" The child is right.
In order for you and your child to have a trusting relationship, you need to keep the following in mind. First, you need to shut your mouth. You need to give the child the opportunity to speak as much as he wants. At the same time, do not insert remarks like “What did you think?”, “We told you so.” You should just silently listen to what the child says.
It's like with cats and dogs. If you don’t wave your arms, the animal will approach. As soon as you start showing activity, they run away. It's the same with children. If you keep interrupting and telling people what you think about it when they don't ask, that's it.
So firstly, you need to be patient, close your mouth and listen to what the child has to say. Secondly, this is the most difficult thing: continue not to open your mouth until he asks you.
How to influence a 10-year-old girl who is prone to obesity?
If the doctor did not find any hormonal disorders, then the only reason for her overeating is a nervous condition that she eats. What this is connected with, I cannot say. If you are not obese and the doctor does not tell you to go on an urgent diet, then let him eat for health.
The very idea that you need to do something quickly because you will grow up scary is the road to anorexia.
In general, don’t focus on food at all. This is not a problem for the reason that she has not even started her period yet.
What to do if a child reacts aggressively when his parents take away his phone and delete his games?
Well, firstly, he already needs to be led to child psychologist because this drug addiction has begun. On one of the TV channels there is a program “Honey, we are killing children.” Not long ago it was shown how a mother takes away a laptop from a 10-year-old child, and he fights and swears. And this is drug addiction, or rather gambling addiction - gambling addiction. There are centers where specialists work with such children.
The statements of the famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky are based on “healthy cynicism” and many years of experience. Some agree with him, many reject his approach, fearing shattered illusions. But no one is indifferent
Photo source: cluber.com.ua
1.The first thing you have to do is stop wanting to get married. A healthy person does not want to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.
2. The key to happiness family life, marriage and sex with one partner in only one thing - a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct path to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.
3. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be easy for a man empty space, if you can’t tell about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.
4. Reason women's problems It's not that he's acting like an asshole. The reason is that she has a neurosis that requires an outlet. And for this exit, a certain person and relationship are needed in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has had a mental need for this since childhood.
5. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.
6. When the flight attendant shows you the life-saving equipment, what does she say about the oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, provide a mask for yourself first, then the child.” That's the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, while remaining an absolute psycho. That's not how it works. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.
7. Family therapy is a scam. There is only one type of family therapy that I consider truly useful - psychological mediation in divorce cases. But this is precisely what is not practiced in Russia.
8. Healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics are relationships to the detriment of themselves, and this is the most important difference.
9. A woman should never tolerate anything she doesn’t like in a relationship. She should talk about it right away, and if the man does not change, she should break up with him.
Photo source: xvatit.com
10. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.
11. The only quality your partner can have is that he clings to you. Everything else doesn't play any role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no “bars”.
12. The only time in a person’s life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. It doesn't last long. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.
Do you agree with the categorical phrases of the psychologist?
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We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.
Parent example
1. “Lectures on raising children, advice from psychologists and teachers about relationships in the family are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.”
2. “Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.”
3. “It is impossible, without loving yourself, to raise a child into a person who will love himself. And a parent with low self-esteem cannot raise children with high self-esteem. Although many are trying very hard.”
Rewrite your children's script
4. “Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best they could. You won’t change them, you need to change yourself: rewrite children's script, grow out of it."
Stability, comfort, trust
6. “The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses."
7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents in the first place. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.”
Harmony in the family
9. “If you take a full, but neurotic family, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”
Alex Janu / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0
When parenthood stops being a "cute" delight
10. “The trouble is that most parents coo with their children until a certain age, and at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that there is a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait... When you want children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish singing something that you did not have time to sing, this is fraught.”
11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force” to care for a child, she feels like a hostage to him or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with the child” because she is so responsible, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of herself,” or even worse, “she lives for him,” this certainly doesn’t make it any easier for the children.”
Do not confuse care and education
12. “Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education. Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with their child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem goes to school, where all conversations revolve only around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.”
Guilt
13. “Children read everything and understand perfectly well when they are being “sit” or taken for a walk out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes home tired in the evening, on the one hand she has remorse that the children require attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to carry on a conversation with them, but she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue... And it’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to your children, ask for their support - you don’t have to carry everything on yourself! In the end, I’m tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. This is better than nightly hysterics: “The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you...”.
14. “And when, out of guilt, they are bought off with the help of toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home late from work again, and I’m going on a business trip this weekend, so you, son, have a new construction set”... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child’s psyche, and even in physiology.”
15. “A healthy situation is when a mother eagerly (and without blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, rushes home from work. From work, where she is fulfilled, communicates, receives satisfaction, and where she has time to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that parent and child spend together are truly valuable, filled with love, genuine interest in each other, and give a lot to both parties.”
Donnie Ray Jones / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0
If the family is not the first child
16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his future life.”
Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness
17. “You need to love a child, like yourself, simply because he was born and exists. And all these ambitions, demands, dissatisfaction with a son or daughter are clear signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one’s own unsatisfied ambitions and one’s own, excuse me, failure.”
18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only) do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use the following language: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.”
19. “The child should feel that parents are kind, but strong people who can protect him, who can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”
Mikhail Labkovsky never calls himself a child psychologist. He works with adults. All his advice is addressed to those mothers and fathers who are ready to change in order to build harmonious relationships with their children.
We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.
Parent example
1. “Lectures on raising children, advice from psychologists and teachers about relationships in the family are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.”
2. “Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.”
3. “It is impossible, without loving yourself, to raise a child into a person who will love himself. And a parent with low self-esteem cannot raise children with high self-esteem. Although many are trying very hard.”
Rewrite your children's script
4. “Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best they could. You can’t change them, you have to change yourself: rewrite the childhood script, grow out of it.”
Stability, comfort, trust
6. “The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.”
7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents first of all. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.”
Harmony in the family
9. “If you take a full, but neurotic family, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”
10. “The trouble is that most parents coo with their children until a certain age, and at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that there is a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait... When you want children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish singing something that you did not have time to sing, this is fraught.”
11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force” to care for a child, she feels like her hostage or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with the child” because she is so responsible, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of herself,” or even worse, “she lives for him,” this certainly doesn’t make it any easier for the children.”
Do not confuse care and education
12. “Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education. Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with their child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem goes to school, where all conversations revolve only around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.”
Guilt
13. “Children read everything and understand perfectly well when they are being “sit” or taken for a walk out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes in the evening tired, on the one hand, she has remorse that the children require attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to carry on a conversation with them, but she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue... And it’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to your children, ask for their support - you don’t have to carry everything on yourself! In the end, I’m tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. This is better than nightly hysterics: “The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you...”.
14. “And when, out of guilt, they are bought off with the help of toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home late from work again, and I’ll be going on a business trip for the weekend, so you, son, have a new construction set”... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child’s psyche, and even in physiology.”
15. “A healthy situation is when a mother eagerly (and without blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, rushes home from work. From work, where she is fulfilled, communicates, receives satisfaction, and where she has time to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that parent and child spend together are truly valuable, filled with love, sincere interest in each other, and give a lot to both parties.”
16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, or fifth child is born in your family, do not tell your elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his future life.”
Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children’s happiness
17. “You need to love a child, like yourself, simply because he was born and exists. And all these ambitions, demands, dissatisfaction with a son or daughter are clear signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one’s own unsatisfied ambitions and one’s own, excuse me, failure.”
18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only) do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use language: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.”
19. “The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people who can protect him, can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”
Mikhail Labkovsky is a practicing psychologist, known for his not always pleasant, but absolutely accurate statements about family, relationships and what happiness is. Live on Passion.Live, Mikhail answered questions from viewers of the program.
Letidor watched the interview and selected important quotes about children and parents.
You need to live the way you want
There is a category of people who believe that living for their own pleasure is selfishness. In fact, these people were taught by their parents in childhood that they cannot live the way they want. They were told that there is a main word – “need”. A person should live the way he likes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
About parental aggression
If you are an aggressive person, and you pour out this aggression on your child, then he will develop fears, anxiety, and self-doubt. Express yourself naturally: behave the way you behave - if you don’t like something, that means you don’t like it, you’re upset - that means you’re upset.
It’s another matter when a person is a psycho.
For example, he gets up in the morning in a bad mood and immediately starts yelling that he is late for work, and the child needs to be dressed in kindergarten or school. But he didn’t do anything wrong - he was just born. But he has aggressive parents, so he grows up, speaking Russian, a complete psycho - just like his mom and dad. And we are talking about the natural reaction of a parent when a child does something wrong - we are living people, and dissatisfaction should be expressed in a natural way.
About children's aggression
A child begins to behave aggressively after about two years of age - he behaves like everyone else. fauna. He is trying to understand his boundaries: he can punch his mother in the face, start fighting with his hands and feet, gnawing and biting. This is a natural manifestation of a child who is trying “like a young animal” to understand what he can and cannot do. Parents must behave firmly - take them firmly by the hand and say:
“It’s unpleasant for mom. Mom's in pain! And you can’t beat your mom!”
It’s normal to punish, but you can’t be crazy - for example, bite a child in response.
Doing only what you want is realistic
Both spouses come home from work, both tired. And there is a mountain of unwashed dishes. The question is not whose turn it is to wash the dishes and not that “I’m going to bend over backwards now because my husband earns more.” And it’s not that your husband will wash the dishes just because you spent the night with your child. You should want to do the dishes because you love your spouse so much that you don't want him to stress out. This is the only reason to wash dishes. You don’t concede anything to anyone - you really want to do it out of love. And the husband also washes the dishes, because it makes him happy, and not because -
“Oh, I’m tired of everything, now there will be a scandal, she will scream. I’d better wash it, at least the house will be quiet.”
Adults can live the way they want. When I was 6-8 years old, I really loved watching " Good night, kids! (she walked for about 15 minutes). And my mother came up in the middle of the cartoon and said: “Okay, now I need to go and wash the kitchen floor,” and I said: “Now it’s over, so I’ll go.” But my mother insisted: “No, no, I got up and went right now.” Now my mother has been gone for a long time, I am 55 years old and I have a specially trained woman to whom I pay money: she washes the floor not only in the kitchen, but throughout the entire apartment.
Solve this problem however you want. If you both don’t like washing dishes, you can earn money as a housekeeper.
About adult children living with parents
Children over 20 years old should not live with their parents. “No money, nothing to rent for”, “It’s easier for us” - this is not normal in everyday life. But this needs to be discussed calmly. It shouldn’t be like this: “We were watching a program with a psychologist. What are you doing here? Pack your things! There are children with social phobia: they are afraid to be responsible for themselves, to go out into this world, so they cling to their parents. And there are overprotective parents, then children grow up dependent, indecisive, unable to take responsibility and make decisions.
About children and parents' divorce
Children and dad have their own relationship. For some reason, women try to hide behind their children, but what does this have to do with marriage? Dad either loves children or doesn’t love them - and it doesn’t matter whether their mother is married to him or not.
