hello..I'm 16 years old..and I have a family problem...my mom doesn't care about me...
it didn’t start right away, everything was fine before... my mother divorced my dad when I was 9 months old... I didn’t see my father for 4 years... he kept appearing and disappearing throughout my life, but we’ll come back to him later ...my mother and my grandparents raised me, while my mother was in Moscow at work, I was with my grandmother in the village.. I was always missing both my father and mother, then at the age of 5 my mother took me to Moscow, I, like all the children, went to kindergarten..then to first grade..until grade 5 everything was fine and then, according to my mother, a “transitional age” began...I tried as best I could to survive all my experiences, but my mother didn’t always succeed, not that I helped in this situation, but if anything happened, she stood up for me... and I had her support, I knew that no matter what happened, I have a mother... then my mother got my stepfather... we immediately got along well relationship and we understood each other from the word go, he always supported me, loved me like his own daughter... we lived like a real family, which I always dreamed of... and everything was fine... then my mother and stepfather began to quarrel a lot ...and my mother met one young man...I, of course, understood that my mother and stepfather could no longer live...and my stepfather moved out, but we still communicated with him...I, like all children, wanted my mother to be happy, I I saw that she felt good with him, she was happy, she looked younger, there was a sparkle in her eyes... but I wasn’t happy for long... my mother began to disappear, leaving me at home alone... I was 13 years old and I was quite independent... I could cook, I did the laundry, I cleaned ...but the fact is that she was just leaving for a few days...she didn’t pick up the phone, she hung up on me, she was just killing me...but I was silent...because my mother was happy and I didn’t want to spoil anything for her...there were disagreements when I had enough patience Honestly, it wasn’t enough..it’s just that when she was really needed, she wasn’t there..when first love was all too emotional, she didn’t hear me..
but it was not only about my mother but also about her boyfriend... he is 15 years younger than her... at first he seemed like a cheerful normal guy... I treated him well until the moment he started treating my mother badly... he disappeared when he needed to go somewhere with friends, or just hang out... he left his mother... and then when he had a day off he returned to her.. he threw himself at her and still rushes at her.. he drowned in her... stopped communicate with her friends, when they told her their opinions about him, she didn’t quarrel with them... he actually used it and still uses it... when he needs to go somewhere, she takes him... he needs to buy something buys... I never asked her for money in principle... I never begged... I bought clothes on rare occasions... I didn’t go to all sorts of cafes at concerts and movies either... but she always told me something from her I just need money.. that I’m not doing anything, and it’s already starting to piss me off specifically... when I didn’t have enough patience, I said my opinion about her life, that her boyfriend is taking advantage of her.. that he doesn’t respect her.. and to me It’s not nice that he treats her like that.. then she hit me and swore at me with all sorts of nasty things.. she started putting pressure on the patient.. on my father... my dad, even though he was not present in my life, I always loved him... at the age of 14 I realized that he didn’t need me and he didn’t give a damn whether I was alive or not... but I loved... maybe because I was so much like him... such arguments became constant both about money and about her boyfriend... I already turned a blind eye to her relationship... let her live as she wants... but the arguments continued... most often they were when he ruined her mood or they broke up again, she came home and took her anger out on me.. and constantly put pressure on it that I was sucking money from her... I was tired of it and I went to work... I worked from morning to evening and like all people I was tired... I just came home and fell from fatigue... and when it was the weekend I just wanted to sleep off ...my mother demanded that I clean... I did the cleaning whenever possible, but when I didn’t, she started scandals again... I explained to her that I work and am also tired and sometimes I just want to rest... she answered that there is no point in my work if I don’t bring money into the house...now we have to split up our housing...she constantly started saying that I was preventing her from living a normal life, that I only work for myself...and the fact that I have neither free time nor her personal life This didn’t bother me at all... and her boyfriend constantly says that I don’t respect her, I don’t do anything, that I’m mediocre... that my father did the right thing by abandoning me and honestly I don’t have the strength to live like this anymore. .I just don’t want to come home...I tried more than once to talk to her about this, but again she doesn’t hear me, I try to snap at her and explain to her that I’m only 16 years old and I need my mother, that I need life..she won’t listen to me wants...on at the moment we don’t talk to her.. I only wash and clean up after myself, buy food with my own money for myself, dress myself and save money for moving..
“They don’t like me”, “What should I do if my parents don’t care about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice.” Do you think these are the thoughts of someone else? Unfortunately no. Children ask these and similar questions when they turn to the experts of the “I am a Parent” website for help, several times a week.
Most likely, visitors to a site for responsible moms and dads will be surprised if they recognize their own child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies.
A revelation for a parent may be that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him, and about the reciprocity of these feelings.
The effect of “hidden” feelings
Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Why are you angry, it’s just a doll”, “Don’t be sad, we’ll buy you new toy", "Don't laugh so loudly, it's indecent." If we summarize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: “You can’t feel.”
Where do these reactions come from? It’s just that once upon a time we also received a “prohibition on feelings” from our parents, and now in one modified form or another we pass it on to our children.
The effect of “hidden” emotions occurs when we do not allow our children to express sadness, joy, anger, resentment and even joy. If small child saying “don’t cry” when he fell and hurt himself slightly, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh loudly” when he’s having fun, then sooner or later he comes to the conclusion: you can’t feel.
Let's see how it happens.
7 parental prohibitions on feelings
1. The parent intentionally forbids feeling
It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, he will grow up capricious and selfish. Perhaps there is a motif of Spartan upbringing in this model. It is usually used for boys and often in families where the parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act on the principle: “If you throw it into the river, it will swim out on its own,” I myself achieved everything, my child can handle it too. Otherwise, how will he survive without me?
And the child will most likely cope. Only then you shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about you or your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.
The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference being that here mothers and fathers do not do this on purpose.
Parents only care about their child’s achievements, and his feelings remain insignificant compared to another victory. By paying attention exclusively to the result and being interested in grades at school (and not in events), you give the child the signal: “you can only be loved when you have achieved something.” The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment.
In such an environment, they are nurtured, ready to put everything on the altar “please praise me.”
3. The parent does not allow the child to rejoice.
This may seem like a somewhat fantastic prohibition to you, but it occurs very often. It’s as if a gene was implanted in us: “rejoicing is bad, retribution will definitely follow.” Suffice it to remember the well-known proverb “you can’t laugh too much, then you’ll cry.”
Imagine: you are sitting on the sofa in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then a child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom/Dad, look, I drew a cloud!” You look at him with an adult, bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to your child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will also not make the child happy.
At this moment, the level of significance of one’s own positive emotions the child's is rapidly falling. And in order to block the source of joy, just a few similar situations are enough.
4.Parents compete for their child's feelings
Remember this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: “Who do you love more - mom or dad?”
This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.
The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.
5.Parents spend more time with the other child
In families with several children, parental neglect can be felt especially strongly: it seems that some are given more attention, others less. Children are able to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.
Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of their children, if that one has problems, and forget about those who are “doing well.”
As a result, the “everything is fine” child begins, at best, and at worst, withdraws into himself and stops any contact with his parents.
6. Parents make their child responsible for their emotions.
It happens that parents have not yet become adults themselves and have not experienced their own traumatic situations. Such parents need an adult who would take on the role of mom or dad and listen to them. But not everyone is ready to contact.
What's happening? Infantile parents begin to “trust” their child. They complain about a difficult life,, as a rule, they often get sick and like to talk about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.
Psychologists call this situation “parentification”: the child takes the place of the parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions towards him: after all, mom or dad are already suffering a lot.
7. Parents “buy off” negative children’s emotions
Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. Isn’t it very easy to calm a crying baby who wants a toy by simply buying it?
While we bribe children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive this? You teach him that any negative emotion you can “eat up”, “play” - replace it with material goods. If parents often do this, then the children then grow up to be consumers, gamblers, fat sweet-toothed people - depending on what they were paid off with.
How to avoid falling into the trap of forbidden feelings?
In all of the above cases, parents will have to change their behavior if they want to re-establish proper emotional contact with the child. How to do this?
First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help your child if you yourself are not aware of how you feel. To do this, you can go through or keep a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that being aware of your emotions requires time alone, so make time for this.
As soon as you understand yourself better, begin to tune into the “wave” of your child’s emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may not happen right away, because children express emotions differently, often through play. Watch your child. After some time, you will understand when he is sad and when he is angry.
Help your child give this feeling a name: “you’re angry now,” “you might be scared,” “you’re jealous.” This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain shapes and boundaries. When a child knows what he feels, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations.
Since childhood, I grew up without a father, my mother was very cruel, she constantly beat me, swore at me, called me trash, idiot, down and other words. In her opinion, this is how a child should be treated in order to raise a real one, strong man. She was also very vulnerable to alcohol, she often dragged me with her all over the city, to all sorts of shitholes, excuse the expression. Since childhood, I was a terrible hater of alcohol and nicotine, I just couldn’t stand it, I was sick of those who even took a drop in their mouth, and she smoked right in front of me, often in the hall, lying on the sofa, I had to sit outside in the winter, at night and wait until everything clears up. I got used to her insults, but when I turned 15, I began to notice that every word she said hurt me incredibly, after each of her “emotional outbursts” I fell into a “mini depression” and until now I have never come out of it, because she calls me names at very short intervals. Often, when I fell into depression and was deeply buried in thoughts, I heard her insults in my head, voices, very clearly, they tormented me, these voices were real, at these moments I was as if in a fog, but okay. I have problems with the joints in my jaw and ears, I’m not sure about this, but they constantly hurt, I need to be shown to a neurologist, during the necessary rounds of doctors for school, he diagnosed me with psychosis and told me to visit him. I envy so many teenagers who have good, kind parents, for whom childhood and adolescence- preparation for adult life, and for me - constant thoughts about whether I will survive. My cherished dream is to have a kind, good mother who will take care of my health. I would take care of it myself, but I don't have the money to necessary procedures, and my mother responds to everything, “I’ve invented a new disease for myself again, don’t talk nonsense, you don’t need anything there, I was also sent for an MRI, but I didn’t go,” she also doesn’t put mental health next to physical health, she constantly tells me about that “you should have a child, I want to become a grandmother, I wonder who your wife will be? Well, what kind of girl do you like already?” But how can I even think about this? Moreover, I’m ashamed to even communicate with girls, they consider me a complete loser. When I tell my mother about this, she laughs and says that “everyone says that, you will have everything.” It’s all killing me, I’m already reaching for the knife, I’ve almost lost faith that everything can be fixed, I’ve already talked about it 20 times this with her, I tried as much as possible not to show her guilt in this (if you accuse her of anything, it pisses her off and she starts screaming) I’m afraid that I won’t live to reach adulthood
“They don’t like me”, “What should I do if my parents don’t care about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice.” Do you think these are the thoughts of someone else? Unfortunately no. Children ask these and similar questions when they turn to the experts of the “I am a Parent” website for help, several times a week.
Most likely, visitors to a site for responsible moms and dads will be surprised if they recognize their own child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies.
A revelation for a parent may be that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him, and about the reciprocity of these feelings.
The effect of “hidden” feelings
Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Why are you angry, it’s just a doll”, “Don’t be sad, we’ll buy you a new toy”, “Don’t laugh so loudly, it’s indecent.” If we summarize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: “You can’t feel.”
Where do these reactions come from? It’s just that once upon a time we also received a “prohibition on feelings” from our parents, and now in one modified form or another we pass it on to our children.
The effect of “hidden” emotions occurs when we do not allow our children to express sadness, joy, anger, resentment and even joy. If you say to a small child “don’t cry” when he has fallen and slightly hurt himself, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he is having fun, then sooner or later he will come to the conclusion: you can’t feel.
Let's see how it happens.
7 parental prohibitions on feelings
1. The parent intentionally forbids feeling
It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, he will grow up capricious and selfish. Perhaps there is a motif of Spartan upbringing in this model. It is usually used for boys and often in families where the parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act on the principle: “If you throw it into the river, it will swim out on its own,” I myself achieved everything, my child can handle it too. Otherwise, how will he survive without me?
And the child will most likely cope. Only then you shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about you or your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.
The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference being that here mothers and fathers do not do this on purpose.
Parents only care about their child’s achievements, and his feelings remain insignificant compared to another victory. By paying attention exclusively to the result and being interested in grades at school (and not in events), you give the child the signal: “you can only be loved when you have achieved something.” The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment.
In such an environment, they are nurtured, ready to put everything on the altar “please praise me.”
3. The parent does not allow the child to rejoice.
This may seem like a somewhat fantastic prohibition to you, but it occurs very often. It’s as if a gene was implanted in us: “rejoicing is bad, retribution will definitely follow.” Suffice it to remember the well-known proverb “you can’t laugh too much, then you’ll cry.”
Imagine: you are sitting on the sofa in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then a child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom/Dad, look, I drew a cloud!” You look at him with an adult, bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to your child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will also not make the child happy.
At this moment, the child’s level of significance of his positive emotions rapidly drops. And in order to block the source of joy, just a few similar situations are enough.
4.Parents compete for their child's feelings
Remember this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: “Who do you love more - mom or dad?”
This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.
The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.
5.Parents spend more time with the other child
In families with several children, parental neglect can be felt especially strongly: it seems that some are given more attention, others less. Children are able to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.
Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of their children, if that one has problems, and forget about those who are “doing well.”
As a result, the “everything is fine” child begins, at best, and at worst, withdraws into himself and stops any contact with his parents.
6. Parents make their child responsible for their emotions.
It happens that parents have not yet become adults themselves and have not experienced their own traumatic situations. Such parents need an adult who would take on the role of mom or dad and listen to them. But not everyone is ready to contact.
What's happening? Infantile parents begin to “trust” their child. They complain about a difficult life,, as a rule, they often get sick and like to talk about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.
Psychologists call this situation “parentification”: the child takes the place of the parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions towards him: after all, mom or dad are already suffering a lot.
7. Parents “buy off” negative children’s emotions
Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. Isn’t it very easy to calm a crying baby who wants a toy by simply buying it?
While we bribe children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive this? You teach him that any negative emotion can be “seized”, “played” - replaced with material benefits. If parents often do this, then the children then grow up to be consumers, gamblers, fat sweet-toothed people - depending on what they were paid off with.
How to avoid falling into the trap of forbidden feelings?
In all of the above cases, parents will have to change their behavior if they want to re-establish proper emotional contact with the child. How to do this?
First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help your child if you yourself are not aware of how you feel. To do this, you can go through or keep a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that being aware of your emotions requires time alone, so make time for this.
As soon as you understand yourself better, begin to tune into the “wave” of your child’s emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may not happen right away, because children express emotions differently, often through play. Watch your child. After some time, you will understand when he is sad and when he is angry.
Help your child give this feeling a name: “you’re angry now,” “you might be scared,” “you’re jealous.” This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain shapes and boundaries. When a child knows what he feels, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations.
Hello, my name is Olya. The problem is that I’ve been thinking about suicide for as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of dying since childhood, and all because my parents don’t care about me. Mom is always busy with work, she has no time for me, dad actually said that he wanted a son, he beat him hard in childhood, for him only his brother exists, my father always said that I was unlucky, although I don’t smoke, don’t drink, I work, I study. HIS insults offend me so much that I want to jump off a bridge, he never hugged me, never talked to me like a father and daughter, no material support. We often moved from one city to another (my father was in the military); we don’t have many friends, but I have enough. I don’t know what to do, I wanted to rent an apartment, but I can’t afford it. He will never change, it's better to die
Support the site:
Olya, age: 20 / 07/15/2011
Responses:
Hello, Olya!
And for whom is it better to die? For your dad, what if he doesn’t care? For you, but then the worst thing begins - hell, and there is no way to change everything... Do you think this is the best?
You know, just stop trying to prove to everyone that you're good and let them go. Better go to church and pray that the Lord will help you love yourself for who you are. Ask the Lord to fill your life with meaning and send into your life those people who will love you and accept you for who you are, and they will not have to prove anything. Go to the Lord and He will definitely help you.
May God bless you!
Aleana, age: 41 / 07/15/2011
Well-wisher, age: 18/07/16/2011
Hello, Olya! I'm like you, only I wanted to die before. I have younger brother. As a child, it seemed to me that my parents loved him more than me. And things didn’t work out with my personal life. But now I don’t think about death, no matter how hard it is for me. I have three children growing up! They became the meaning of my life, that outlet, that joy, that love that I always lacked. You live, Olenka, life will get better, your parents love you deep down, they just don’t know how to show it. And one more thing. Turn to God, he always helps. Write.
Mouthguard, age: 36 / 07/16/2011
What does mom say about this? Doesn’t she see anything or something? If everything is as you described, then you don’t have parents, in old age you don’t have to look after anyone, let your brother do it, be patient a little, you’ll graduate, go to work and leave
Julia, age: 31 / 07/17/2011
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