It is very important and very difficult to learn not to judge yourself for your feelings. Try instead to accept that you are experiencing them as a fact and try not to blame yourself for it. It's just feelings. Therefore, it is completely useless to tell yourself what you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. Feelings cannot be “decent” or “indecent,” “mature” or “immature.” Your task is to learn to recognize your feelings as they are. ANY. In this form, they provide the key to solving all your problems. If a person learns to solve his problems himself. It's not easy, but those who promise easy ways are deceiving. They're being a little disingenuous, let's say.

* When a person cannot express to another what is the most important, most powerful experience for him, then he is lonely. If you don't listen to your feelings, no one will listen to your feelings. If you value yourself, others will value you.

* But if a person cannot admit his true feelings even to himself, then he is generally half dead. It would be a shame to die if you never lived like that. Hell can be described as eternal alienation from one's true being, the true self. “As you know, there is nothing so useful for a person as knowing himself. He who knows himself knows God.” Schemamonk Hilarion.

* When a person restrains his feelings, this is not a sign of courage. Courage is about being the person you truly are, even if others have a different opinion on how you “should” behave. And if it is not always possible to express your feelings in front of others, then no one is stopping you from being yourself, from being honest with yourself. Only those hastily accepted answers and rules imposed by authoritarian means get in the way.

* As your understanding grows and your perception of reality changes, so will the so-called “unworthy” or “wrong” feelings. They will change much faster if you allow yourself to experience them. Denying feelings deprives us of the opportunity to know what they could say: after all, feelings are the very experience on the basis of which new understanding arises.

* Moreover, nothing contributes to the establishment of “unworthy” feelings more than our attempts to get rid of them. When consciousness rejects a feeling, this feeling “goes underground” and continues to influence a person’s behavior through the unconscious, over which a person has virtually no control. And then you become dependent on this feeling. But if feelings are accepted, it is much easier for a person to free themselves from them or change them.

* If you find yourself trying to influence how other people feel, stop yourself. This can only lead to pain and disruption of communication between you. You cannot do anything about your feelings and the feelings of your loved ones. You can only listen to them. You are not even required to understand them. And of course, don’t try to change them, otherwise you will only achieve something worse for your loved one. Nothing hurts a relationship more than someone feeling like they can't be themselves when they're around you. Because by not accepting yourself, by imposing restrictions on yourself, you automatically impose the same restrictions on all other people. And then, when they violate these restrictions, you become indignant! You don't give other people the opportunity to live the way they like. Because first of all, you don’t give such an opportunity to yourself, you are afraid to be yourself, because you consider yourself bad, thinking that if you relax and release your desires, trouble will immediately begin.

* Not accepting another is reverse side non-acceptance of oneself. If you do not accept yourself, if you play someone else’s role, then you are not living your own life. Only when we gain the courage to always be ourselves and not change ourselves in anything, when we dare to trust ourselves and stop evaluating and controlling ourselves, will we be able to look at others differently.

* By the way, a person who cheats on himself will most likely cheat on his spouse as soon as the opportunity arises. And she will appear - that’s how life works. Cheating occurs where there is no real intimacy.

* Intimacy between people occurs when they share their feelings. As soon as feelings begin to be hidden, intimacy is lost. If feelings are not hidden, but expressed openly, this only contributes to mental health all family members. Honesty comes with pain in certain contexts, but that pain is nothing compared to the loneliness and isolation that occurs when people cannot be themselves. And situations when it is wiser to hide your feelings are less common than it might sometimes seem.

Hello, I'm 24 years old. After marriage, my husband noticed that I could not express my feelings and emotions, which became the cause of conflicts. The question "how are you feeling now?" puts me in a stupor, and I can only answer what is expected of me or what I feel. According to observations, this has always been the case, as long as I know myself. It’s difficult to understand myself, can I really not feel anything at all, or do I have feelings, but I can’t realize them? It is difficult to empathize, it is difficult to build close relationships. From my husband, instead of support, there is a wall of misunderstanding, and accusations that I don’t feel anything for him, plus my inability to explain why this is so, which is why, in the end, I withdraw into myself even more.
Please tell me if there is a problem here that requires deeper consideration and what should be done.

Hello, Elena!
Of course, there are feelings and emotions, but you do not know how to express and realize them. As children, we are taught to read, write, think (that is, intellectual development), therefore it is difficult for us to be aware of feelings, we are not taught this. Only recently have people started talking about emotional development.
In addition, it often happens that for some reason a child, and then an adult, blocks the expression of feelings, as if fenced off from them. These reasons are unconscious, purely individual, and, as a rule, are formed in childhood as protective mechanisms, but over time they begin to interfere. It is important to understand why it works, what needs it satisfies, and why it cannot be done in a more constructive way. After this, you can change to new methods. This requires a series of consultations with a psychologist, face-to-face or via Skype.
Before you reach a psychologist, try this exercise. Every day, every 2-3 hours (set a timer) stop what you are doing and answer 4 questions: 1. What am I doing (specific action)? 2. What do I feel (emotion, sensation in the body, any part of the body)? 3. What do I want to do at this moment? 4. What am I thinking (if I have thoughts)? All of this must relate to this specific point in time. Do this for several days, or better yet, more. Then re-read. Search the Internet for different emotions and how they are expressed. Observe people, how they express different emotions, how you know exactly what they feel. Try to explain all this to your husband that it is not your fault, maybe he will help you with recognizing emotions, and Not Blame yourself.
And yet, it is important to find unconscious reasons. Go to a psychologist.
If there is a desire, I am ready to work on the problem with you on Skype.

Sincerely, Anna Grandilevskaya, psychologist in St. Petersburg, in person and via Skype.

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Elena, hello.
It’s very good that you decided to deal with your problem. The inability to express one's feelings is a serious problem for a person. The fact is that there were some reasons for this. If a child has a lot of strong experiences, painful ones and it is difficult for him to cope with them, then his psyche decides not to feel. This is her defense mechanism. There is such a saying: “The soul said - it hurts, the head said - be silent! And silence fell...” And the person stops feeling - rejoicing, grieving. In other words, contact with oneself is lost. And this is a disaster for the person himself, but also for those who are next to him. This is also bad because in the absence of contact with oneself, diseases and ill health come to a person. That's why it's so important to regain your sensitivity. And this can only be done with a specialist psychologist. So don't delay it. Sincerely.

Silina Marina Valentinovna, psychologist Ivanovo

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Hello. Elena. There are two meanings in the letter. The first is if the husband behaves selfishly and insensitively. Therefore, over the years, your displeasure with him increases and you become cold towards him. This is very logical for any normal woman. The second option is Everything is fine with you, but instead of warmth and accepting your husband as good, you are looking for a reason for irritation and displeasure. At the same time, he pampers you and kisses and hugs you. In this case, your coldness is your difficulty. In the first option, the husband is bluffing, and with Everything is fine with you. In the second case, it is advisable for you to work with a psychologist or in personal therapy. Since feelings and trust will not just appear. Therefore, act depending on the option. In the first case, it is important to talk with your husband about his indifference, and in the second improve yourself.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychanalyst Volgograd

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First, I’ll ask a question: are you in a relationship with a man now? Are they completely satisfied with you? Or do you still want to make some adjustments?

Today, humanity is approaching the moment when the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is ready to move to a new stage. After all, established views on what a relationship should be like in a couple are no longer acceptable.

People are increasingly dissatisfied with love; they do not know how to make their relationships with the opposite sex “work correctly.” And believe it or not, it's not that bad. When something breaks in any mechanism, this becomes the reason for making changes (improvements) to it during repairs.

I believe that such an approach can be successfully used by modern relationship psychology. If something goes wrong in the relationship between a man and a woman, this can lead either to their rupture, or vice versa - to the adoption of measures to “repair”, make changes and save.

Many people in such situations use the advice of a psychologist or relationship coach (which I am). Therefore, here is my advice: “repair” your relationship, bring newness into it, take it to a completely different level! Make your relationship conscious!

How to implement this advice into real life? Read this article to the end and you will understand everything.

Psychology of conscious relationships

So what is conscious relationship?

I focus on the fact that I am talking about the growth of a woman’s personality as a woman, and a man’s personality as a man.

This goal is general and at the same time personal. She unites loving people in a couple.

Currently, most people start relationships only to satisfy their needs (material, sexual and very rarely spiritual).

You may not like what you hear from him. He may also find some of the things you tell him unpleasant. But in the end you will know that each of you is REAL.

Let me repeat a little: we are used to adjusting, pleasing our soulmate, because we are afraid of losing her. But this destroys relationships.

The only save option true love- be honest. Identify all the most unpleasant things in yourself, bring them up for discussion with your partner and allow him to do the same.

This leads to a feeling of insight and understanding, a combination that automatically enhances love.

4. Relationships as a place for true love

Love is ultimately an experience. The experience of acceptance, presence, forgiveness, receiving heart wounds.

Sometimes we treat love as an end goal. We want to always feel it to the maximum. And when this feeling weakens or disappears altogether, we stop liking what our relationship turns into.

Love is a journey and exploration, in the process of which you come across...

The question will also periodically arise: “What do I want in at the moment?. So, the answer at every moment of this path will be different. The reason is your development, your personal growth, which should never stop.

The psychology of relationships between conscious couples is designed in such a way that, based on devotion and experience, love appears and strengthens, and relationships become something that no one even dreamed of.

Instead of summing up, I would like to ask...

Are you ready for such actions and changes?

After making at least one of the listed suggestions, your man may isolate himself, close himself in “his shell” or “flare up and start tearing and throwing.” And this could be the beginning of the end of the relationship. But you will understand whether he is really the one you need.

This is exactly how relationships between a man and a woman work - when there are real feelings, then making changes in the relationship is not so difficult.

Thank you for your patience in studying my thoughts on the topic of relationship psychology. I will try to continue to please you with advice on such burning topics.
Still have questions? Let's start a conversation in the comments!

• Psychology

There is perhaps no pain greater than that which lovers inflict on each other. Or until recently considered as such. And here reasoning on the topic “why” is inappropriate. Biologists claim that the state of falling in love is nothing more than the effect of endorphin, usually called the “love hormone,” on the human body. Scientists have also found that over time, the production of this hormone in the body of any person decreases and... And people in a couple no longer want to be around all the time. They begin to experience irritation from communicating with each other, and then indifference replaces emotions. Dr. Grayson convincingly proves the possibility of maintaining a wonderful relationship in a couple both after a year and after two decades. “Conscious feelings” actually help not to lose the meaning of a relationship with a partner, to make a long-standing relationship exciting and reverent. Tomorrow. Always! Translation from English by O. S. Epimakhova Note: The electronic version does not contain pages 296–297.