The question is relevant for many parents (question from Tatyana, a reader of our blog). Indeed, it often happens that children grow up, move into adulthood and stop paying attention to their parents, and some are not interested in their lives at all. Of course, this is not entirely normal, to put it mildly. But, like any problem, this phenomenon also has its own root causes, which we will consider in this article.

When you observe a situation where children, roughly speaking, “don’t give a damn” about their no longer young parents, who can’t always take care of themselves, especially in old age, this causes at least sadness and regret, and often contempt for such ungrateful children overgrown. But this is a fact that many parents have to put up with if they do not know how to influence the situation and change it for the better.

There is a second side to this issue! It must be said that quite often it is the parents, their inappropriate behavior towards their children, that is the reason for such detachment of their children. And in order to change the situation and return the love and attention of their children, parents must first start working on themselves!

Reasons why children don't want to communicate with their parents

1. Intrusiveness of parents, their excessive care– are often direct violence against the child’s soul, psychological pressure that absolutely no one likes! In this case, the child, small or large, will try to escape from such “care”. And rightly so! He simply cannot learn to build his own life any other way.

And the constant pressure from the parent will form in the child a stable rejection of his father or mother, even to the point of hatred.Parents - do you need it?

2. Condemnation of any or many of your child’s actions and lifestyle, even to the point of contempt for him! A parent, if he wants reciprocal gratitude and love from his children, must strive to learn to love his children unconditionally and accept them for who they are. And do not try to forcibly change everything in the child that he does not like, showing your disgust, contempt, expressing condemnation in words and behavior. This will form an impenetrable shell, a wall between parent and child! And where there is, there is no love and gratitude, care and trust, warmth and affection!

3. Selfishness of the parents themselves! It usually sounds like this: - “You are an ungrateful pig, we took care of you, gave birth to you, raised you, and you...” - when initially the parents have the position that their children now owe them for the rest of their lives, for the fact that they gave birth to them and brought up. Here you need to understand that the care of children, their gratitude can only come from their hearts, from feelings that should be born naturally. Such feelings can only be born as a response to the unselfish love of parents, and not to selfish love, when it seems that the parents gave birth only so that the children would nurse them later in old age.

Nothing will work out if you try to force gratitude, respect, love and self-care out of your children. These high feelings and sincere attitude must be earned through correct behavior and attitude. By your example of this most sincere love, first of all!

4. Injustice manifested in childhood and beyond! A good parent should strive to love their children with unconditional love and at the same time try to be an impartial, strict and fair teacher. This approach is the best legacy of the most worthy knightly and aristocratic families of the valiant past.

It is difficult for our children (actually any person) to forgive injustice and deception. If, for example, a parent strictly demands something from a child, but he himself does not fulfill it in life, he is not an example of this - the child always sees and feels falsehood, and simply, sooner or later, will lose faith in his parents as honest and fair people. Then, they will cease to be authorities for him, they will lose the respect of their children, and a logical question arises: “What is the point of communicating with such people?”

5. When children are simply not interested in being with their parents! Why? This happens when parents, when children appear, completely switch to them and abandon their own lives, that is, they stop taking care of themselves, growing personally, striving for a career, etc. As a result, children outgrow their parents personally, become charismatically, intellectually, energetically stronger than them and they become not interested in their parents - there is nothing to talk about, there are no common interests, and accordingly there is less and less mutual understanding.

And if parents are progressive people, take care of their children and do not forget about themselves, then children, as a rule, will always be interested in them, and respect for such parents is an order of magnitude greater than for those who do not want to achieve anything in life, after how the children went.

6. When children were not taught to be grateful and appreciate what they have, including their parents! Respect is earned by those who respect themselves, and gratitude by those who value themselves and their work.

Of course, gratitude and respect need to be cultivated, and care for parents too (their value in the lives of children), but this should not be done intrusively, but by example. There is such a wise expression - “The luxury of human communication.” Create such luxury in your family and children will always strive for you, want to communicate and spend time together.

And no one wants to go into a jar with spiders, right?

What should you do to improve your relationship with your children?

1. On all of the above points, realize where you were wrong, and first of all before the Higher Powers that gave you your children. Read more.

3. Take care of yourself, set new goals in life and start developing yourself, start paying attention to yourself and your body!

4. If there are difficult situations in the past, psychological trauma and conflicts, etc., then it is best to work through them with a professional healer. Write to me if you are ready for such work, I will give you contacts of a good one.

5. Try to talk with your children, sincerely about everything, to really apologize for your wrong actions in the past. A sincere conversation can always melt the ice of grievances so that new or dormant feelings can break through. But for such a conversation you need to be prepared yourself.

Children grow, mature and leave their parents. This is normal, but unfortunately, it is not always possible to remain close people, kindred spirits and friends. Resentments and misunderstandings that have accumulated over many years can separate the closest people - mother and son. Catherine’s letter is exactly about this.

Hello, dear psychologists and lawyers of the site about divorce! Tell me what to do? The guy grew up in a normal family. The mother filed for divorce due to her husband's alcoholism when her son was 12 years old. I bought my husband an apartment. The son visited his father regularly. He constantly “exposed” his mother, inventing reasons. During this time, the mother hires tutors for her son to enter college. He was kicked out of there 2 times for rude behavior. His mother ran and asked for him. Ultimately, the son dropped out of college. At the age of 19, the son’s mother’s father (grandfather) dies. The mother worked and had a difficult time caring for her old and sick parents. The son wanted to live separately, because... was formally registered in his grandfather’s apartment, where he later did not allow his mother to visit. Then he sells his grandfather’s apartment and asks to be registered, seemingly temporarily, in his mother’s apartment (there was still a registration at that time) in order to buy a car. The mother refuses because she is afraid of her son’s difficult character and other consequences. The son, after all, bought himself a one-room apartment, but now he has not communicated with his mother for 20 years. Now the son is already 41, the mother is 71. Leave it as is? Thanks for any possible advice.

Best regards, Ekaterina.

The story is many years old, which means that the problems in it are chronically neglected. In other words, over the years, additional ones have been added to some basic problem. And if you consider that they have been screwing up for at least 20 years... I can’t give a definite answer. It is almost impossible to unravel a twenty-year-old tangle of grievances and mutual claims in the form of correspondence.

As it becomes clear from the letter, the son does not want to make contact with his mother. Apparently there are good reasons for this. But we don’t know what the mother did to improve the relationship. If nothing else, it’s strange that she was concerned about this situation only now, two decades later. And if she was constantly looking for a way out of the situation, but there were zero results, then how could she have made her son angry so as not to pay attention to his mother’s suffering for so long? It is not because of a refusal to register that you can abandon your mother for the rest of your life. I am sure that everything is much more complicated and deeper than the housing issue...

The only way out is to find a way to have a heart-to-heart talk between mother and son and forgive each other. It is from the soul and from the heart, without reproaches and insults from the mother. The mother’s heart knows and will tell you exactly how to do this.

If this is not destined to come true, and the son flatly refuses and does not want to hear anything, then there is another way out for the mother - write letters. Yes, yes, exactly letters, ordinary paper letters that we so rarely began to write to each other. It is up to the mother to send them to her son or not. You can try sending a couple. Or you can just write them for yourself. There is such a technique in psychology when working with grievances. It consists in the fact that the client writes a letter every day (in this case, the mother writes to her son), in which he asks for forgiveness from a relative with whom the relationship is very damaged. The point is that you first need to forgive yourself, and then your relative (son). We absolutely do not know how to forgive others, because we do not know how to forgive ourselves. Writing letters helps a lot with this. The letter should begin something like this: “Dear son, forgive me for...”. Be sure to write daily, at least for a month. Do not underestimate this technique; it has a therapeutic effect and allows you to remove a large burden from the soul of the one who writes. Resentment, guilt, disappointment, misunderstanding and much more overwhelm both the son and the mother, and all this does not allow them to look at the situation from a different angle.

I hope I was at least somehow able to answer Ekaterina... I don’t advise anyone to leave the situation as it is. While we are alive, it is useful for us to analyze our life path and experience, look for solutions and ways out, forgive and love.

I’ll finish with one of my favorite phrases: if you don’t know where the exit is, look for where the entrance is.

Another mother, who complained about the taciturnity of modern teenagers, brought two brothers to classes. Once we touched on the topic of computer games, the guys said that a horror game had been released about an abandoned house and a family of zombies: “Now we’re looking at the reviews - then we’re planning to buy it.”

It was clear that the topic was catchy, I found a video about the walkthrough of the game. And at two o’clock in the morning I’m sitting in the kitchen, on the screen the head of a zombie family treats the main character to someone’s entrails, and then attacks him with an ax.

Not the most educational hours of my life, but it was worth it: when during a conversation I mentioned the strange character from the second floor, the brothers' gaze instantly changed. Because suddenly it turned out: adults can also be interested in what touches them; adults not only scold these “stupid toys”, but can seriously discuss them.

But it’s easier to be offended, isn’t it?

True, this takes time: look at the review, read the comments... It’s much easier to be offended, because “being offended” does not interfere with cleaning, washing dishes, mowing the lawn at the dacha, watching football: you turn on the TV and you calmly suffer.

And to be on the same wavelength with them, you need to strain. Moreover, you cannot watch a couple of videos in an evening and then receive dividends until your eighteenth birthday.

I remember how I heard “Ivan Guy” for the first time during a lesson - I had to watch a dozen videos on his blog. But the very next year this knowledge turned out to be absolutely useless: “What are you talking about, Dmitry, no one is watching Ivan Guy now!”

Photo source: ya-roditel.ru

When children are not even asked!

Of course, the topics are not limited to bloggers and games. A friend says that she and her husband just can’t decide where to go on vacation: they are choosing between Greece and Montenegro.

What does your son think?

He will definitely be better off in Greece.

That is, they didn’t even try to ask the child, but this is an excellent topic for conversation. He suggested - they asked, in the end, a day later the parents received by mail (what else!) an Excel file in which the son compared two options based on a dozen criteria and displayed the average scores for each of them.

It is clear that this will not work for everyone; in response to a request to discuss a vacation, you can easily hear: “I don’t care!” But there are other family topics: some of the children will be happy to help you choose a car or a computer, others will take part in choosing a dress for your mother to wear to a corporate party. There seems to be nothing special in these tips, but for some reason many people forget about the simplest topics.

Just please, don't babysit

My darling, tell me, how is your day? What's interesting? What clothes would you like to choose today? (even better, “clothes”)

I was once again convinced of the fact that it does not work by the example of doctors. When one of the children gets sick, we invite Dr. Andrey - he instantly finds a common language with the child.

He doesn’t babysit, doesn’t ask how they study or what clubs they attend - he initiates the conversation, shows medical devices from a magic suitcase, offers to hold a flashlight, explains how it all works and why it’s needed. When the doctor once left for a conference, I had to turn to another doctor. And he began the dialogue with the usual:

How old are you? Where do you study? What are your hobbies?

Yeah, the child was just waiting to tell the unfamiliar bearded guy about his hobby. Moreover, the doctor is not at all embarrassed that he is asking the thirty-ninth question, and his patient has not yet properly answered the first one.

Be interesting for your child

My children love spending time with their grandfather. He does not ask about grades and other production successes, but constantly tells something interesting.

We walk through the forest - about bugs and spiders, a plane flew by - facts from the history of aviation, then about ships and much more. Of course, in order to tell something interesting, you need to accumulate this interesting thing in your head. And many parents are sure that their children should have fun and excitement with them simply by the fact of birth.

Photo source: Alwaysbusymama.com

This only works in the first years of a baby’s life, when we are his main source of information about the world around him. And then we have competitors: TV, tablet, Google... There is little knowledge that a tree is something big, and a bush is smaller.

It is clear that the Internet will still know more, but we can select the most interesting and present it at the most appropriate time, we can express our attitude, listen to what the child thinks about this.

We can also joke - and this is a powerful tool.

Adults stubbornly want to be somewhere high, on the parental pedestal - hence the constant evaluations and recommendations that no one asked for. What do many mothers and fathers do when a child complains about a teacher or a bully classmate? They immediately give out a hundred ready-made recommendations.

Were they asked? Or they just wanted support and sympathy, understanding, in the end: “Yes, son, it’s offensive,” “Masha behaved strangely, you’re right.”

Photo source: ottawayouthcounselling.com

Advice should be given when asked. If you really want to, then without preaching, the easiest way is to tell about your experience: “When I was in the fifth grade, I had a difficult relationship with a math teacher...”

In general, we need to talk more ourselves. If the daily dialogue of parents comes down to the exchange of interjections “well?”, “ygy” and “yeah”, then where will the children have the desire to talk for hours about how their day went.

We need to set an example!

We leave the cinema and don’t ask what you liked most, but say about yourself: “The moment with the snail, of course, is the funniest...” From interrogation to exchange of opinions.

The same thing with evening conversations: when mom and dad tell each other who they met during the day, discuss the news, the child sees that this is possible, and gradually turns on himself. Moreover, during such a conversation, you can ask about school, but not about grades and tests: “How did that story with physics end?”, “My mother and I remembered that there was a guy in the class who was annoying everyone. Probably every class has one?”

If the interest is sincere, the child feels it and makes contact. In the vast majority of cases. I rarely saw children who did not want to talk to their parents. Usually they really want it! But just to talk, and not to be interrogated.

Maxim,
You are already very close to the answer to your question. I recognize myself in the description of your path. I understand you and don’t blame you, over time you will understand everything yourself and come to the right conclusions.
Everyone’s parents are different (some are better, some are worse), everyone’s situations in life are different, so there cannot be one correct answer and way out of all situations. That is why there are such heated debates on this topic, although the initial confession is at least three years old.
Children's problems come from childhood; the child's psyche is formed/developed before the age of five. You and I are about the same age, so I think the education system was about the same.
In those years, they were punished with the use of physical force, they sent them to nurseries, kindergartens (some for five days), to after-school activities at school, when little ones got sick, they just went to the hospital without their mother, they didn’t have sincere conversations, they didn’t give children a choice even in small things. . If you ask our parents why this was and happened, then everyone has the same answer - everyone lived like this.
My situation with my mother was much tougher, and when I asked her fair questions why she behaved this way with me, instead of an answer I received a question: Do you think that you would have been much better off in the orphanage? And no more explanations. I was thirty at that time, my father was no longer there (he died when I was 26). Her inappropriate behavior continued and also extended to my younger brother and grandmother - her mother. When I came to their defense, they cleverly deceived me, promising everything if I did this and that, and tearfully assured that she loved everyone and would improve. Manipulation of pure water - only then I loved her very much and could not even imagine that my own mother could do this. Everything she wanted was done (it cost me a lot of effort and a large amount of money), but it didn’t last long and she forgot all her promises after three months. Let me say briefly: she completely abandoned her mother when she died three years later and my brother called her, told her the news, came to check that my grandmother had really died, said not very flattering words and did not appear again, did not even come to the funeral. She, too, has not communicated with me on her own initiative for fifteen years; I have tried many times to establish relations with her, but without success. Over the years, my pain decreased and gradually I realized that I got out of this situation with the least losses. Then I was upset for my children - that the only living grandmother did not communicate with them. Later I realized that God had ordained that my children were lucky - they grew up in love and peace, no one humiliated them, my mother also did not accept my daughter with disabilities and was categorically against her treatment (because all the money went to treatment, not she's the same as before). My mother and I live on different continents, my brother is in the next house next to my mother, meeting him at the bus stop - she proudly walked past and did not speak for many years. When several different psychologists tried to explain to me that she was a mentally ill person, I did not believe it and continued to love her for many years, over the years the pain subsided, but I still tried to find answers for myself - why everything turned out the way it did.
About eight years ago, my son and I visited a psychologist on a different issue, but that elderly, believing psychologist helped me a lot personally. I had an internal conflict about honoring my parents and my deep disappointment in my mother as a person. He said that such people do not change and even if she goes for reconciliation, then in a year or two it will all happen again (in his practice there were many such cases). But about the commandments he said this: if a husband beats his wife and after some time kills her, and they have children, then it is better for the wife to run away from her husband and repent later that she did not fulfill her promise to God - to live with her husband to the end . It’s the same here: it’s not necessary to love, it’s not necessary to communicate, but to be grateful to your parents for giving you life and raising you as best they could. Forgive and move on. Forgiveness does not mean that you are now best friends and will continue to communicate. Forgiveness is when you have peace/peace in your soul: yes, they are not the best people (manipulators, etc.), but they are my parents and I am grateful to them for giving me life and doing everything they could within their power and opportunities.
About a year ago I began to come across information about toxic relationships, manipulators and victims. At first I denied it, then I started reading books, listening to lectures and realized that I was a victim, and my mother was a manipulator. And I began to realize that my relationship with my son was not very good either. Somewhere he manipulates me, and somewhere I manipulate him. He and I had a conflict in December and we couldn’t resolve it; we broke up (he was already living separately). I worked hard on myself, realized where I was making mistakes and called him to a family council in six weeks. Nothing good happened, he simply didn’t hear me and blamed me for everything. After three hours of persistent debate, my husband said that it was better for us to leave, except for tears on both sides - no results, only accusations. We broke up and didn't communicate until May. I still stubbornly continued to search for answers to my questions. I’ll be honest that I was very offended by my son, sometimes I got angry, but I never wished him harm. Every time I remembered him, I prayed for him and wished him only the best. We made peace with him and established the rules of communication, we also talked about situations regarding his childhood grievances (he says that he understood - time will tell). At first, I was also afraid that he only resumed communication only because he needed something, but over time this feeling passed. Everything that I expressed to him during the quarrel, he heard and through his actions showed that he had changed his life for the better in the months that we did not communicate.
What did I find that changed my life?
My parents. Like all people, they are just people and also make mistakes. We cannot go back and fix them. It only seems to us that if we went back, we would behave differently. In fact, we would behave exactly the same way. Why? The psyche of our parents was already formed, they were and will remain exactly the same people. It is impossible to change them! They love us as much as they know how and can, even if we don’t like it.
We (children) have a choice: hate them or love them, but in any of these options we owe them for birth and life, for which we need to be grateful in any case!
Why is this important? Our children watch us and learn from our actions, not our words. Personally, I want to be the best mother for my children and if I am offended by my parents, then my love for my children will be limping. That's why I'm here and continue to study further.
Cosmopolitan and Rogue tell you the same thing.
Just think about it...