Close relationships - what is it?

The name itself implies a certain distance in the relationship.

Emotional intimacy in a relationship is possible in conditions where partners are able to SEE each other as they really are, and not their projections and fantasies about the other.

At the beginning of a relationship, as a rule, each of us has many such projections and expectations from each other. However, entering intimacy is characterized by liberation from them.
This is by no means always a pleasant process, as it involves disappointment and pain.
After all, when we part with our illusions, it is not pleasant and sad.

True genuine love manifests itself in the desire to meet each other halfway, trying to understand the other person and look at the world through his eyes, to know his reality. This requires mental effort, which, for example, are not capable of

If a person is capable of a deep feeling of love for himself and another, then the resource to overcome disappointment from his own illusions is sufficient to create the opportunity to get closer to his partner.

Love is going beyond one's personality

And so, when he freed himself from what interfered with the vision of reality, what happens in it itself? Will he like her?

Always different...

Sometimes there is an admission of the fact that partners are not suitable for each other...

And this is also closeness. And, precisely, in such conditions, it is possible to maintain normal relationships even after separation.

Yes, this is not a pink illusory “happy ending” with frills, but a healthy, adequate reality.

And, sometimes, pain and disappointment are replaced by acceptance, joy, discovery of a new worldview, and emotional expansion and enrichment of one’s world.

In such conditions, COOPERATION arises between partners, which increases the capabilities of each participant in this interaction.
If children appear in such cooperation, it increases the energy of the whole family, giving everyone the opportunity for development.

However, this does not mean a calm existence without any difficulties.

Intimate relationships are not those where you are accepted completely from head to toe, and are never rejected in anything (it is more of a merger than intimacy, where a person is in love with his fantasy). These are relationships where partners risk opening up to each other where they may not agree with them.

Close relationships are possible when a person does not “fall apart” from rejection or lack of understanding by others in some matters, but remains able to experience unpleasant feelings and make efforts to achieve mutual understanding.

In healthy intimate relationships, each partner also has his own personal emotional and physical space that distinguishes him from the other. His individuality is built on this, which allows him to remain stable, even in the event of separation. This is the main difference between such relationships and

The opportunity to BE YOURSELF appears in those relationships in which the partner may not share your point of view on any issue, but is ready to listen and try to understand why you think so, shows respect for your opinion, while having the opposite.

This means that partners can openly express their desires and emotions to each other without fear of a breakup.

After all, a breakup is an indicator that there was no close relationship, and the partners simply could not stand another collision with reality.

In close relationships, respect occurs in the form of taking into account your needs, as well as the needs of your partner, which contributes to the formation of agreements.

Sometimes this may be an agreement to end the relationship, as it is understood that the current needs of the partners can no longer be met in this relationship.

Trust arises where there is an opportunity to face the truth and see reality. Trust is built on honesty and the ability to show your essence in a relationship.
Namely, this becomes the basis for building close relationships in which a person feels heard and loved.

Relationships are always about developing yourself!

Almost at the beginning of any relationship between a man and a woman there is what we call intimacy. The conditions for its occurrence are as follows:

1. No fear of being yourself

Intimacy is when you are not afraid to be yourself and when you don’t need to pretend to be anything. When you are accepted with all your flaws. Small children have this condition; they are very sincere in their manifestations. It is also used by newly lovers, when a couple looks at each other through rose-colored glasses. There is intimacy and sincerity in their relationship. At this stage, partners do not notice each other's shortcomings. Or if they notice, they do not evaluate them critically; they seem like a trifle, a “highlight” of the partner.
Those. if you are not afraid to be yourself around someone, then this is a serious sign that your relationship can become close.
Over time, something happens, probably the hormones of love stop working. And the partners begin to notice each other’s serious shortcomings, or maybe they are just getting to know each other better. What used to be a “highlight” begins to irritate. And a negative assessment of the person appears. And when a person is negatively evaluated, he begins to close or devalue the one who evaluates them negatively (“He doesn’t understand what he’s saying” or “His opinion doesn’t matter to me”) And at this moment intimacy begins to disappear.

2. The desire to take care of the person next to you

If there is such a desire, then there is a high probability that spiritual intimacy will happen.
At the beginning of a relationship, you want to take care of a person, you want to anticipate his desires, do something for him, without waiting for him to ask. But over time this desire disappears. People can live in the same apartment, sleep in the same bed and kiss each other on the cheek when saying goodbye, but they don’t want to take care of each other. And there is no sincerity. This may occur due to negative evaluation. Maybe the person disappointed you: he seemed to be one thing, but turned out to be completely different. Maybe he criticizes you all the time, pointing out your shortcomings. But in any case, people move away from each other, they don’t want to have anything to do with each other.

3. Tenderness is another marker of intimacy

If there is criticism, disrespect, or negative evaluation between people, then they usually do not want to treat each other tenderly. When tenderness goes away, intimacy goes away. Here we are talking about tenderness not during sex, but in everyday life: when you want to take your hand, stroke your head, hug, etc.

4. Accepting a person as he is. Without judgment and desire to change it

Let me turn again to the beginning of the relationship, when the partners are in “ pink glasses”, when they love each other and believe that they are lucky with their partner. Then it doesn’t occur to them that their partner needs to be changed; the shortcomings seem uncritical. But over time, everything changes: shortcomings begin to irritate, we give a negative assessment of his behavior. And thus, we push him away from ourselves. People won't want to come close to us. If we do not accept a person for who he is, if we want to change him, then there will be no intimacy, no matter how much we want it. Intimacy is a mutual thing - it is impossible to be in a close relationship with someone who does not want it.

5. Presence effect

It happens that people are in the same room, but do not communicate, everyone thinks about their own. For example: a family is walking in the park. The husband is on his own, the wife is on her own. And somewhere their child is running around. They went to the park only because it is customary to take a walk with the child on a day off. But they themselves don’t want this at all. This can happen if people are not comfortable being around each other, but they are forced to do so. And then there is no closeness between them, even though they are geographically nearby.
To be present in a relationship, to be included in a relationship, you need to be aware of yourself.
Those. understand what you want, what you don’t want and have the right and courage to talk about it. If you do not understand what is important to you, if you are not aware of what you really want, if you cannot tell the person next to you about your desires and unwillingnesses, then there is no intimacy between you. Close relationships are relationships in which you are not afraid to offend your partner if you understand that you will be accepted with any feelings, desires and shortcomings.

6. Vulnerability is a sign of intimacy

I wrote about this in more detail in the article “Vulnerability is the price for intimacy.” If you are vulnerable in a relationship, then your relationship is intimate. After all, you can hurt someone who is nearby and open to you. It is important to trust the person with whom you are intimate. You must understand that if a loved one hurts you, it is not on purpose. It is important to take it as a principle in relationships that if a person offends me on purpose, intentionally, then I don’t want to have anything to do with him. If I am sure that this person treats me tenderly, carefully and with respect, but at the same time he hurt me, then this is not on purpose. And then you shouldn’t be offended by him. In close relationships, we will sometimes get hurt, we need to be prepared for this, because it is inevitable. The opposite pole of vulnerability is isolation. If vulnerability is unbearable for you and you choose isolation, then you will be alone in a relationship, and there will be no spiritual intimacy!

What is missing in your relationship for it to be close? At what point and for what reasons did the intimacy disappear? And what do you need to bring into your relationship to make it close?

There are many differences between a man and a woman. For example, if we talk about the beginning of a relationship, then the first stage of establishing a connection for a man is physical. He is always attracted to the body first. As soon as it becomes uninteresting, the physical connection also disappears. And then the man goes to the second woman, to the third. And even these quick separations do not bother the man much, because the body is gone, so be it - there will be another woman with beautiful eyes.

But for a woman, physical connection is only the third stage. First, she establishes spiritual contact, and therefore she thinks that if a man shows interest, it means that he has already seen her somewhere and is interested in her inner world.

Women and men perceive each other in their own likeness. Men believe that a beautiful body is also important to women, so they post their best photos on dating sites, and women think that on the same Internet resource it is more important to write three pages of text about what books she has read, what films she has liked, what she likes and what it's like inside.

And women are sure that it is impossible to enter into a “close relationship” if you are not interested in a person, you are not going to accept any responsibility. That is, the level of physical connection has not yet opened, because such is female nature. And when a close relationship begins with her, the woman thinks: “That’s it, a very close person to me. I am very dear to him." During this time the man only visited the first level, flipped the switch and moved on. He doesn’t need anything else, and the woman is already in a close relationship.

And some kind of misunderstanding is already developing between people, when a woman thinks that they will take her as a wife now, and the man does not understand at all what they are talking about. He will say: “Where do such fantasies come from? Still very simple. I thought you liked it, but I don’t need more.” And the woman will say: “Yes, I also thought that you liked it, but not because it was only necessary, but because we are already very closely connected, and you are serious.” But the man is only at the first stage, which is why misunderstanding arises.

And the woman remains very unhappy, but he will also suffer greatly in the end. It’s worth saying here that this man will make a lot of ill-wishers among women when he behaves this way. The fact is that in work thoughts about opposite field there are differences too.

In the thoughts of men and women there is a place for friends, work, spiritual practice, and the like, but for the opposite sex there is only a small corner allocated there. That's where love is concentrated. A very important corner, but nevertheless small. And a man can think about women in three modes: he can think good, bad, and not think at all. It's simple. If you like someone - good thoughts, if you offend a woman - bad thoughts, “got it and left you” - doesn’t think at all.

But women don't have a third option, so they think either good or bad. If a man behaves like a gentleman, cares, looks after, then the woman will think well, and if he offends her, she will think badly. And a woman will have bad thoughts for quite a long time, because she does not have the option “not to think”; she becomes very attached to a man when they begin a close relationship. If he then quickly gets dressed and leaves, it means that in the eyes of a woman he is acting like a pig, and she will now have long and bad memories of him.

But for a man there is another danger - karma. Don't think that close relationships mean nothing without love. There is always contact between subtle bodies at this moment. And women slowly take away the pieces of male affection and feelings of sexual attraction, because the connection is still being established. And it turns out to be a very difficult situation if a man has been attached to physical intimacy without love for a long time.

The problem is that when a man falls in love, he will not be able to want the woman he loves. And the stronger his feeling, the less desire there will be. A man will certainly feel sexual attraction, but only to other women whom he does not love. This is a big trap that those who need to “walk some more” fall into. A very serious problem, because all betrayals in marriage begin with it. And a man, sometimes, cannot even really explain to himself how it all happened. And then he will apologize, and the woman will forgive, over and over again, because the man loves, but this is his problem.

Often, when working with families, couples and observing your own life, you ask yourself the question, what is love in a relationship between a man and a woman? Do I have personal boundaries? My spouse's territory? And something in common? Or is love always presented as a merger?

On the Internet there are many quotes about love - that it is a relationship between two free people who are not obligated to each other - what does this really mean?

The idea of ​​a boundary: a personal boundary, a boundary in relationships, etc. is not a constant value, it is something that develops along with the development of the person himself. How does an infant sense the existence of a boundary? This is not at all the same as the feeling of a boundary in an adult. And how then does an adult feel his boundaries? How does he build them in relationships?

Have you noticed how differently people talk about close relationships, about love, how differently they imagine them and build them accordingly.

For some, close relationships look like a merger, when one completely dissolves in the other, when the boundaries of an individual person in this relationship disappear, when one cannot breathe without the other, when each other’s desires are guessed, one somehow knows about the state of the other and accordingly behaves. What is this relationship actually like? Is this what is called love between two mature people? Let's remember another relationship - mother and baby. In these relationships, the mother is tuned with all her senses to perceive the child’s condition, to feel his needs, to understand why he is crying or whether he is experiencing comfort; here the mother needs to guess and understand what is happening to the baby for his survival. Therefore, the mother tries to control any manifestations of the child in order to be aware of what is happening to him. That is, the state of fusion between mother and child is determined by a natural mechanism and is necessary for the survival of the baby. Such boundaries in relationships correspond to the child’s age from 0 to 8 months. So what happens in adult relationships if they build them this way?

There is also a type of relationship when our boundaries mutually penetrate into the boundaries of another, as if two circles slightly overlap each other and then a common area would be formed, but they do not completely merge with each other. That is, there is a part of me personally and there is a part within my boundaries that we have in common with our partner. This corresponds to the stage in development when the child makes attempts to separate a little from his mother, but without his mother it is still very difficult and incomprehensible for him. Having taken a few steps from his mother, he very quickly returns to her; it is important for him that she is nearby, and the child closely monitors this. Have you encountered this type of relationship in adults? This is similar to when the second all the time needs the support and approval of the first, when he can be without the first, but in limited areas or for a short time, when he controls where the second partner is and does not give him the opportunity to exist independently of the first.

Another type of relationship building is when a person actively defends his boundaries in a couple. He tries not to communicate about his plans or what he will be doing, confronts his partner with a fact about some events in his life, without considering it necessary to coordinate this with him or invite him to participate. The partner perceives any attempts to establish closer and more trusting relationships as a threat and an encroachment on his personal space. This type of relationship is present in a 2-4 year old child, when he is trying to learn to be separate from his mother, more autonomous and exploring the limits of his independence (hence the well-known phenomenon of the 3-year-old crisis, “I myself”). He often tries to do many things on his own, and is very offended if he gets a lot of help and is not allowed to do something the way he wants. And sometimes he doesn’t know how he wants it, but definitely not as his mother suggests, and hysteria unfolds. If an adult builds close relationships in this way, what does it look like then?

And finally, having explored all the poles from fusion to opposition and fiercely defending one’s boundaries in relationships, a person comes to a balanced position. With balanced boundaries in close relationships, everyone feels their own boundaries and recognizes the partner’s personal boundaries, he respects himself and the partner, recognizes his right to independence and independence, but can be in very close contact with this person. That is, a person is able to be flexible when building relationships and change his behavior depending on the situation. You may have noticed that when we are sick, we really want support and attention, so that our partner takes care of us, why is this not a merger? In other situations, our independence is very important to us, and our partner is ready to respect this.

Going through different stages of building relationships, feeling one’s boundaries in these relationships, a person gains the experience of close relationships. But sometimes it happens that a person stops at one of the stages of building boundaries in a relationship. Most often this is due to the way his parents built their relationship with him. If the mother had a great need for fusion, since she was unable to satisfy this need with her parents or in her relationship with her husband, then she will maintain just such a relationship with the child and in every possible way hinder the development of the child’s independence, interrupt contact with him when the child tries to be independent. In such a situation, the child does not have the opportunity to learn how to build relationships while maintaining his own independence. Or vice versa, if a child has a very strong desire for autonomy, then, despite the controlling mother, he actively defends his boundaries, and then continues to do this in adult relationships. Then this adult perceives any closeness as a threat to his personal space and runs away from it.

What happens when people with such different experiences and ideas about close relationships form a couple? Most often, those couples who approach each other complimentarily, like a key to a lock, are capable of long and long term relationship. People who do not approach each other in a complimentary way do not stay in long relationship partly for reasons of this inconsistency. But if suddenly one of the complementary couple begins to develop and change, then his way of building relationships in a couple naturally changes, he is capable and wants greater independence, he no longer needs merging or, on the contrary, defense, he is able to have personal space and is ready to provide it partner, etc. Then it is not easy for the partner, he may not be ready for changes, he does not feel the need for them, and most often the need for changes scares him, but if he is interested in continuing the relationship, he needs to change. And sometimes for some couples this is an opportunity to enter a new stage of the relationship, a more balanced one, but for other couples, unfortunately, this is a stage that leads to the breakdown of the relationship.

It’s up to you to decide what kind of relationship and, accordingly, the boundaries in the relationship you want, but if we want to be close to an adult, balanced person, then we can stay close to him if we build relationships from an adult position.

Your Natalya Frid

Research by ethologists has shown that the characteristics of male and female behavior in humans are not unique: many animals exhibit the same differences.

Male monkeys have better spatial abilities and are more aggressive; females are prone to cooperation and caring for their neighbors. A reasonable question arises: why do they need this? The answer is quite obvious: because they have different reproductive strategies.

The male strives to fertilize as many females as possible, which means he must move a lot and be able to defeat other males. The female bears the main share of caring for the offspring, which means she must be caring, capable of empathy and inclined to teach.

In humans and other primates, males compete to demonstrate the advantages of their genes, and females choose them. M initiates sexual behavior, and F controls it, choosing which genes to propagate and which to reject. They choose meticulously - status, wealth, intelligence. Perhaps F has no intention of reproducing at all, but the ancient layers of the brain responsible for sexual behavior know nothing about the invention of contraceptives.

Boys develop an interest in sex earlier and become much more important to them than to girls. M dreams of sex, while F dreams of love. They need relationships and feelings, and sex only makes sense in their context.

​​​​​​​​​​​​Both women and men (most of them) love themselves in each other: she - because he loves her, he - because she gives him pleasure in sex. Before spending the night with a man, a woman wants to understand whether she loves him. And a man can understand whether he loves a woman after spending the night with her. And all this because for a woman the goal is love, and sex is a means. For a man it’s the other way around: the goal is sex, and love is the means. A woman wants a lot, but from one man. A man wants one thing, but from many women.

It is easier for a woman to fall in love than to confess her love. And it’s easier for a man to confess than to fall in love.

“Men usually love those women they respect; women respect the men they love” (V. O. Klyuchevsky).

​​​​​​​​​​​​​Men and women understand love differently and value different things in love. Do I love you or not? Do I love it or just like it? How much do I love?" To such questions, women more often look for the answer in the heart and feelings: the heart trembles, I lose my will next to it - my beloved. Men (if they are not only boys, but men) more often answer these questions with decisions and deeds. Chose, decided , made an offer, gave my word - I keep my word and am proud that I love See →.

Men and women have slightly different needs for love. For men in love and close relationships, it is important to have faith in his strength and abilities, the absence of reproaches towards him (accepting him as he is), gratitude for his care, admiration for his achievements, approval of his decisions and encouragement of his efforts. Other things are important to women, namely care, understanding, respect, devotion, recognition, and reinforcement of confidence.

Also, male and female jealousy are phenomena of different nature. If a woman is confident in her partner’s love, the fact of physical betrayal may be indifferent to her. However, it is almost impossible to convince a woman that physical intimacy was without feelings. Cm.