Hello! This is not the first time I have contacted you and I am very grateful for the help you provide to people. I am 30 years old. The fact is that my husband left me half a year ago. I was left alone with a child in my arms without any means of subsistence. For the first two months he didn’t show up at all and wasn’t interested in his son. I was worried, it was very difficult, how a child would be without a father, how I would be without him. I dealt with my depression mainly on psychological forums, talked with friends and found a lot of new activities. At one point I decided to talk to men. I registered on a dating site and a week later I began a correspondence with a guy. He is my same age. It’s very interesting for me to communicate with him, we have a lot in common and he absolutely doesn’t care that I have a son. But the fact is that my husband began to come and without warning, although I ask him to call in advance, he ignores it in every possible way. At each of his visits, he asks his son, ‘How many men came?’. When I ask him to sit with my son, he makes it clear that I should stay at home while my son is little. All this really bothers me. I don’t feel anything for him, I look at him with different eyes now. I don’t know how a relationship with an Internet guy will develop, but I definitely won’t be with him. Please advise how to explain to him that he is no longer and will not be in my life. It’s as if he doesn’t hear me and does everything on purpose. Thank you in advance. Sincerely.

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Your ex-husband is violating your boundaries

If you have legally filed a divorce and the court has determined the child’s place of residence with you, then your family now consists of two people. Accordingly, the ex-husband is a stranger who has no rights in your family.
When your ex-husband comes to you unannounced, he is violating your personal boundaries. When he asks his son a question about your personal life, he violates the boundaries of the family subsystem. A child should not have anything to do with his mother’s personal life. The son cannot count your lovers, his job is to develop and play games. Psychological manipulative games - “Scandal” and “Hit Me” - are clearly not a healthy experience for your baby.

Your ex-husband does not realize that he is not a member of your family

Your ex-husband feels jealous of you and tries to control you, that is, to dominate you. This is due to the fact that he treats you as his property. Please note that your ex-husband wants power over you, an adult and independent woman, but does not want to bear his share of responsibility. So, when you ask him (!), rather than demanding, to sit with the child, he “makes it clear that you should stay at home while your son is small.” This is an attempt at control, irresponsible behavior and emotional abuse of you. You are being forced into a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with. At the same time, the ex-husband is removed from his parental responsibilities. If your ex-husband has not been deprived of parental rights, then he needs to understand the following. You and he not only have equal rights in relation to the child, but also equal responsibilities. If he does not want to fulfill his part of the responsibilities of raising children, then you can start a lot of unpleasant legal procedures.

Your new personal life does not concern your ex-husband

When leaving the family, your ex-husband should have understood that you could find new love and choose a new man. Another man may fall in love with you and your son from your first marriage, in your new family there can be a wonderful relationship. Now your ex-husband is doomed to suffer. This is retribution for his irresponsible attitude towards the family that he ultimately lost. One might say, a well-deserved punishment for a man who ruined the lives of both you and his own son.

Actions explain better than words.

If you have filed a legal divorce, you do not need to explain anything to anyone. You can change the lock and not give the opportunity ex-husband be on your territory without calling in advance. You can install a security alarm. If your ex-husband wants to enter an apartment or house without your knowledge, they will come law enforcement agencies. The story with ex-husbands is a classic of the genre for local police officers and private security companies. Your ex-spouse will have to pay for his decision - to leave you with a young child - for the rest of his life. This is the price of immoral actions.

Contact a lawyer

Just because your ex-husband was in your bed for a while does not give him the right to unceremoniously invade your life now. He is a stranger who takes advantage of your kindness and willingness to forgive insults. What would you do if a stranger from the street opened the door to your apartment and came to you whenever he wanted? You would probably defend yourself from such annoying anxiety by calling the local police officer and asking him to show the stranger out the door. The same principle applies to ex-husbands. You are not obliged to let your ex-husband into your territory, you are not obliged to report to him. This is a person who may still have responsibilities for supporting the child, but he certainly has no rights to your territory and interference in your personal life.

Breaking up is a very difficult process, because you not only need to try to end the relationship beautifully, but also learn to live a full life as a free woman. How to say goodbye properly ex-love and how to communicate with him after a breakup - this will be discussed in this article.

What to say when breaking up

Regardless of who in the couple initiated the termination of the relationship, it is better for the woman to react as intelligently and with restraint as possible. You will have time to cry if you want and alone, and endurance will allow you to look truly beautiful in this situation. At the same time, you need to try to be extremely honest - express everything at once, so as not to leave yourself reasons for worries and memories for the next weeks/months. Put all the dots in the right places, so to speak.

So what to say to your ex:

• Thank him for the good things that happened between you. Especially if you are the one who initiated the farewell.
• Ask for forgiveness for your ugly actions, words, for not being able to do everything on your part to preserve love, etc.
• Be sure to tell us about those painful situations in your relationship that have become significant for you. Free yourself from the mental burden - express everything to the offender’s face.
• It is advisable to immediately say that you will try to forget everything and continue to live happily. If a man has not done anything so reprehensible, then you should not hang the burden of guilt on him for minor offenses.
• Explain why you want to break up. Moreover, telling the truth is not always necessary. You can limit yourself to always appropriate reasons like “we different people, and each of us needs to go in search of a real soul mate,” “I stopped loving you,” “I fell in love with another.” If he is the initiator of the breakup, then answer him what you think about the breakup. Tell the truth - pride and secrecy are completely useless here.
• Draw a line by explaining how you see the future relationship. If a person is in love with you, and you categorically do not want to date him, then it is better not to offer friendship - he will still hope in his heart for the continuation of the relationship.
• In conclusion, it makes sense to ask the man what he thinks about the breakup, about your words. Perhaps he also wants to tell you something finally.

How to communicate after a breakup

A breakup often becomes a powerful reason for a reassessment of values ​​and a new look at past relationships. Moreover, often after a breakup, a person truly shows himself: previously uncharacteristic sentimentality, frankness, and fear of loneliness may suddenly appear in him. A person may realize his mistakes and want to return everything. But it also happens differently: after a breakup, a man becomes angry and aggressive, seeking to insult, humiliate, and take revenge. How to talk to your ex-lover in different situations?

If your ex wants to come back

• You can either accept his offer, refuse, or take time to think. Here, focus on your feelings and experience. Remember that a person usually does not change dramatically. If he is a scoundrel, a liar, a traitor, a boor, then he will remain so for the rest of his life.
• You can offer him to renew the relationship on some terms. For example, he will stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend. But then, at the first violation of the “ban,” you will need to immediately break up again and forever. Because if you endure the insult, he will decide that you can pick up the old ways, and the situation will return to normal.

If your ex only offers sex

• Again, focus on yourself. If such a relationship suits you, then why not?
• If you are outraged, offended, or offended by such a proposal, then say so directly. And ask them not to contact you with such requests anymore.

If your ex is rude

• At first, try to have a good conversation and find out the reason for this behavior. Say that it hurts and hurts you.
• Demand not to disturb you anymore.
• Threaten your ex-lover to go to the police/boxer friend.
• Don't say anything at all, don't react in any way. Perhaps he will get bored and leave.

If your ex just wrote or called

• It all depends on the reason why he did it and the circumstances of your separation. If you broke up peacefully, without offense, and he called/wrote you, for example, asking for help, then why not really help?
• If the reason for the separation was his ugly behavior, then you can either immediately hang up and tell him not to call again, or again listen to what he wants. Let's say a man called to congratulate you on your birthday or give you a compliment. In this case, respond with discreet gratitude. Here it is important to show in your tone that you do not regret the breakup at all, and therefore you can talk to him completely calmly - it does not cause you pain. But on the other hand, he must understand that you do not intend to communicate with him.

If you decide to write/call your ex

• Greet and immediately tell them why you are calling - just to chat, ask for help, talk about something, etc.
• Find out if the person is comfortable talking - you are no longer together, and therefore you no longer have the right to call him at any time and for any reason.
• If you want to talk about your feelings, propose to meet again, then it is better to talk about it in person, and not over the phone. Just say what you think, what you feel, what you want. And then listen to what he answers.

You may also be interested in our other articles on this topic.

Today, text messages (SMS) are an indispensable communication option. SMS not only allows people to stay in touch all the time, but has even become fashionable way conveying your feelings. Here you will find some SMS options ex-boyfriend in prose that you can send to him to ask for forgiveness, convince him to return and be together again.

SMS to ex-boyfriend in prose

1. My world is a better place because of you. Don't go.

2. It is unbearably difficult to be far from you. Can we be together again?

3. Let's take it all back! I am very sorry that this happened, and I cannot live without you.

4. I will wait as long as necessary to be with you again.

5. After parting with your loved one, you need to forgive and forget everything. But if you don't forgive me, I won't be able to do this.

6. I can’t forget you. You are always on my thoughts and my heart.

7. You are my whole world! Don't go.

8. If you don’t want to listen to me, it will be very painful for me. If you are not by my side, I will not be able to live. If you don't come back to me, I'll just die.

9. If I could fix what happened... But alas, it is not in my power. I'm really sorry. Come back to me, honey.

10. I miss you so much that it breaks my heart. Let's start from the beginning.

11. Our future depends on this apology message! Accept them and give us a chance.

12. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I don't do this, I'll never be happy. I'm sorry. You are still so close, here in my heart...

13. You always know what to do. You always know the right answer. You know a lot of different things. But do you know that I still love you?

14. I may not be perfect, but I love you more than others. Let's make peace and be together again.

15. I think about you when I go to bed. I think about you when I wake up. My thoughts are always only about you.

16. Let's get our lives back on track. Please accept my apologies to make this happen.

17. Being away from you is the hardest thing in my life. Let's forget our grievances?

18. Let's return everything back to the way it was before! I'm sorry and I can't live without you.

19. Perhaps I was wrong, my love. Let's forget our differences.

20. Here, I’m taking the first step forward and let disagreements remain a thing of the past.

21. I can’t forget about you. I don't want to learn to live without you. Let's take it all back!

22. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Only you! I'm sorry.

23. Asking for forgiveness is the first step to restoring a broken relationship. Will you accept it?

24. Even now that we are far apart, my love for you will not fade away.

25. If I could take back my words... But it’s not in my power. I can only ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry!

When getting married or getting married, every person dreams that this is the first and only time. We all want to spend our whole lives with the one we walked down the aisle with, raise children and grow old on the same pillow. But sometimes it happens that a person meets another person, and this is not just a lover, but true love. How to tell your husband that I love someone else? - this is perhaps the most painful question in this case. How to confess to your husband? What is the right thing to do? We will examine these questions in today's article.

What's happened? Analysis of the situation

You probably never wanted this to happen. Perhaps you have never strived to find a lover and cheat on your husband with him. However, once you fall in love with someone other than your spouse, the situation changes. You already have a different attitude towards adultery and even justify it, thereby justifying yourself.

In such a situation, women can no longer say exactly when the attachment to another man began. Some of them are honest enough with themselves that they know, step by step, how things came to be the way they are now. Others experience more difficulties, their minds become confused because their actions contradict their position in life. Some believe that God sent them their soulmate and that it is never too late for love. Others blame their spouse and his behavior for everything.

According to psychologists, family relationships can be shaken as a result of dissatisfaction in the marriage of one of the partners. If a woman feels unhappy, unwanted, unloved, she will look for all these feelings in another person. And when this other person appears, the woman always thinks that:

• “I have never been loved like this”;
• “No one understands me as well as he does”;
• "This is the person I was meant to be with."

That is, she will subconsciously always compare the lover she fell in love with with her husband. Perhaps this is not love, but the qualities that are in the lover, but not in the husband, will prevail over opinion.

Another feeling that appears during this period is pangs of conscience. A woman does not want to harm her family, children, or husband. But there comes a time when you still need to confess. And a dilemma arises: how to do this? Although it’s better to think: is it worth doing? Admit that you love another person. After all, everything depends on many factors:

• will you leave your husband;
• does your lover love you as much as you love him;
• do you need this marriage?

Every opportunity has consequences: short-term and long-term. If you choose the short-term option, you will ruin your marriage for your lover. The level of your current emotions can make a choice that is most likely to make you happy today and now. However, there are long-term consequences that will come with this choice. Consequences related to your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values ​​in relation to your spouse. If you think that being with your lover will more than make up for any difficulties, you are not alone. Almost everyone who makes this decision believes that because they are deeply in love with someone else, everything will work out in the end. But unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way.

In the ecstasy of new love, people do not see the shortcomings of their new chosen ones. And as a result, after a few years, the understanding comes that everything was in vain.

How to make the right choice

Although logic doesn't work at this point, try to temporarily turn off your emotions to see yourself in your future with another man. What do you expect from life with him, having abandoned the marriage and violated the core beliefs?

Happiness?

Based on psychological observations of thousands of couples, it can be said from a statistical point of view that this is unlikely. Because besides you and your lover, for whose sake you want to destroy your current life, there are many other people whom you can hurt: your husband, parents, children. Will the children be able to accept your new man? There are many factors that will make your happiness dull and incomplete.

But, if you nevertheless weighed all the pros and cons, you realized that there is no happiness in the current marriage and there will not be, that divorce will become the right decision, which means you need to confess everything to your husband, and then to the rest of your relatives. Of course, it is very difficult to just come and tell your husband: “Sorry, but I love another person.” It's difficult psychologically. In addition, it is unknown how the husband will react. But believe me, it’s better to confess yourself than for one of your “well-wishers” to notify your spouse.

How to confess to your husband that another man has appeared

A few tips will help make the recognition process easier:

1. We need to prepare the ground. In order for a man to more or less adequately perceive the information, it is necessary to create an appropriate environment around him. The house should be clean and orderly, the woman herself should also be well-groomed. And remember that you should never argue with your husband if he is hungry. A fed man behaves more kindly.
2. Think through every little detail, every word you say. Start from a distance so that the husband was not discouraged. And don't blame him under any circumstances. Whatever the reason why you paid attention to another person, in this situation you are the traitor and you are also largely to blame.
3. Be prepared for negative reactions. Don’t expect your husband to simply tell you that he understands you and lets you go (although it all depends on the level of your relationship). Of course, there will be reproaches, accusations, possibly insults. Don't make excuses, don't swear. Listen and calmly apologize. In general, calmness and poise are the main qualities that you should possess in this situation.
4. Try to resolve the issue peacefully. If you have children together, then the future will be inextricably linked with your husband, even if he is already an ex-husband. And a scandalous divorce and division of property is also not a pleasant process.

Since women are emotional creatures, unfortunately, in a fit of emotion they often commit stupid, rash acts. So that you don’t have to regret the choice you made for the rest of your life, try to make an informed decision. Remember that in such a situation, a cold and sober mind is much more important, and not a hot, loving heart.

How to communicate with your ex-husband if you still have feelings and joint child?

Oh, what a difficult question this is. You can say this: fate has sent you a difficult test. Not only do you need to experience the pain of betrayal, the feeling of being useless, go through the feeling of abandonment, but you also have to stifle your pride (torment: “They chose someone else instead of me,” “She is better”), and this is almost unbearable for the fragile “I” . You can try to get through it on your own, or you can seek psychological help. I want to tell you how the help of a psychologist can be useful.

First, you need to admit the fact that you are no longer loved and all the delights of love go to someone else. You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband until you go through all the stages of a painful separation.

Grieve over a breakup

All these bitter feelings can be experienced, cried, grieved, but... alone. And the best thing now is not to know or hear anything about him, about his ex. And here you have to communicate, because you have a child together and you, like a normal mother, do not want to act to the detriment of the baby and deprive him of his father.

I can write a lot of advice on how to behave with your ex, how not to lose your dignity in his and, most importantly, in your own eyes. And even offer you my psychological consultation. But will this help you when your heart hurts, resentment eats from the inside, and your own unsettled life adds fuel to the fire of pain?

You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband and, accordingly, your behavior, until you go through all the stages of a painful separation. I foresee your reaction: “How long can you go through a breakup? I’ve already experienced my pain.” So, if you had experienced it, then the question of how to behave would not arise. It wouldn't throw you from one extreme to the other.

What happened to you and your family is a real tragedy, and there is no need to minimize or devalue the power of your experiences. But you didn’t really let your husband go to another woman, you didn’t accept his betrayal, you tried, but in reality you didn’t forgive him.

The path to true forgiveness is not easy. And with the help of beliefs and reasonable explanations alone it is impossible to reach it. Only after living through all the pain and finding internal correspondences to the situation in yourself, accepting everything and forgiving everyone, can you forgive your husband.

By not breaking up with him, you are preventing other men from entering your life. Every time you fight your feelings, you waste your energy, and then you have no strength left for anything else. You need to see and realize the harm you are doing to yourself and your life, admit your helplessness and powerlessness in trying to change anything and gain control over yourself. Only after this can you begin your journey.

What is happening now? You do not give up the idea that you can influence yourself and the situation. You are asking for an algorithm of actions that will help you build tactics for your behavior. But I’m sure you know perfectly well how you need to behave, hence all your attempts to accept and forgive, to pretend that nothing happened... fatigue and anger - because there is pain inside you. You are fighting with yourself. And this is the road to nowhere.

Rules of conduct with your ex-husband

It's difficult for me to briefly say what needs to be done. There are exercises and meditations that trigger grief. But you will have to experience painful feelings yourself. My psychological help consists only of support and help in choosing a direction, in explaining some things. But I won’t live your feelings for you.

My 6 month program and is designed to provide support in such a situation. Working in a group helps you fully experience your pain, and the feeling of similarity with the destinies of other women will strengthen you. It will make you realize that you are not alone in this situation.

It will start at the end of September.

Sign up for the group, and together with you we will begin a difficult path of experiences, along which you will discover a lot of interesting, useful, although at times, perhaps unpleasant.

So, how to behave correctly with your ex-husband?

1. Try to talk to him only about the child. Don't ask him about business, life, and don't tell him about yourself. Even if he is interested. Try to delicately avoid answering. By getting involved in communication, you give it your energy, and thereby tie yourself to it, and you don’t need this at all. Save your strength for yourself. Don't feed your ex with your energy.

2. Try to distance yourself emotionally when communicating with him. Step back. Don't get involved in conversations. Be polite, but no more. If it is possible to reduce your communication with him to a minimum, do so.

Although, apparently, it is still important for you to see him, you want to look into his eyes, to understand whether he is happy. And all these questions arise... Are you significant to him? Did he love you? Are you bored? Does he regret the past? Does he want to return?

3. Do not ask the child about the father, about conversations between them, and do not try to find out information about the ex-husband.

4. Do not prohibit your ex-partner from seeing the child, but the transfer of the child should be carried out in the way you need. Don't try to be a comfortable and good, understanding ex-wife.

5. Don’t let him know that you love him and are waiting for him. Don't show or prove to him that you have no one. But don’t do the opposite by demonstrating the presence of another man in your life. Be impenetrable to him. Don't let him know anything about you.

6. This is the most difficult and difficult moment. Try not to forbid him to invite the child to a new family. I know that it is very difficult and difficult to allow a child to spend time not only with his father, but also with his woman. This is not an easy test.

But if you can let your husband go, then this point will become feasible for you. The fact is that the new chosen one may turn out to be a jealous lady, she may begin to put forward her conditions to the man. She is unlikely to like the fact that she does not take part in her partner’s life. And then this may affect the frequency of meetings between the father and the child.

Therefore, if this has happened in your life, allow your child to become richer - to find a different family and experience a different relationship model.

Perhaps you will soon create a new union, and the child, communicating with members of both families, will grow up in a healthier environment.

Although I understand that these are just the right words. And having lost your husband, it is almost unbearable to share your child with him, especially if he is the only one. But still, probably not right away, but admit this thought.

7. Try not to discuss your ex-husband in the presence of your child - he will not understand your pain, but will only get confused in the situation. After all, he loves both you and his father, and you are both dear to him. There is no need to create a triangle “persecutor - victim - rescuer”, where you play the role of the victim. And don't make your child your savior. Subsequently, all this will backfire on him.

If you have a daughter, then you will not completely form her correct image men, and it will be difficult for her to trust a man and love her chosen one. If you have a son, his identification with men may suffer, which then affects his ability to earn money and be successful.

And you yourself... The more often you think and talk about your husband, the more involved you become in this relationship. And for you they are already in the past, which you need to let go of! Don't create an emotional funnel from which it will be very difficult for you to get out.

Of course, with the help of articles I can only provide a little psychological help and support. In programs, webinars, and in my book, I provide meditations and exercises to help cope with feelings and undergo inner work.

One year of waiting

If you still love your husband, then most likely you want him back, and the hope of a reunion does not let go. What to do in this situation? Should I try to get my ex-partner back or not? Should I take any action for this?

There are no recipes that are equally suitable for everyone. But here you are in danger of immersing yourself in your expectations and hoping in vain for the return of your husband and thus losing several years, or even many years of your life. Of course, if you have decided for yourself that you no longer want to have anything to do with men and the memories of your ex are more than enough for you, then this approach is quite acceptable. But if you still don’t want to spend your whole life in unjustified expectations and hopes, then set a period for yourself, for example, one year. Tell yourself, if after a year your husband does not return, then you will cut him out of your life and learn to live without him.

One year is enough to choose your path. And if the ex-husband lived for a year with another woman, then I think the chances of his return in general have greatly decreased. Although life has its own rules, and nothing can be stated unambiguously here.

You can really wait one year, but then start building your life without your ex. And I would strongly recommend that you not just wait for his return, but take care of yourself, your inner world, your soul. In any case, you have to go through a breakup, even if there is hope for your partner’s return.

If you cannot internally part with him, let him go, then all your attempts to win him back are most likely doomed to failure. You can only return someone if in your soul you have let go of this person and have experienced all the pain of betrayal and separation. If this does not happen, it means that you have not changed internally, and therefore, your relationship, even if your husband returns, will remain the same.

After breaking up with a man, reduce the significance of your desire to return him, trust the space of your destiny. It will be what is best for you.

Hope for the worst, and the best will come.

I listed general rules, however, each woman finds her own patterns of behavior. But the most important thing is to always remember about the interests of the child, try not to inflate (not pride) and, of course, do not forget about yourself. Maybe your husband left you out of concern for your soul so that you turn inward and start treating yourself differently. Or maybe he made room for something or someone. Emptiness has one remarkable property of being filled. And maybe after a while you will be grateful to your ex-husband for doing this to you.

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey