When asking the question “what is love,” we will not find a definite answer, since love is difficult to characterize specifically; it is a multifaceted feeling, where everyone can give their own definition and be right for themselves. The question is how much one person’s concept of love compares with another person’s definition of it. But happiness and compatibility largely depend on this, if we talk about relationships loving friend people's friend. That is why it is useful to tell your loved one about your ideas, feelings, expectations, manifestations of love, even if it seems that everything is obvious, but, obviously for one, for another it may be different, due to upbringing, experience, education and many other factors.

For one, the manifestation of love can be kisses, hugs, touches and words of love, but for another, the presence and variety of places where they go together, impressions, trips, conversations are important. If partners do not know each other's preferences, or ignore them, pursuing only the satisfaction of their own needs, it will be difficult for them to be together.

From a psychological point of view, love is a long-lasting feeling, characterized by the presence of awareness, effort and work. That is, for love to arise, effort is needed. If a feeling arises where the partners seem ideal to each other, they want to be close to each other all the time, the world seems beautiful to them, because euphoria suddenly flared up - this is not love yet, but only the stage of the birth of love, called falling in love.

It is not uncommon to find relationships that begin with the stage of falling in love (the period “ rose-colored glasses") and ending with it (when " rose-colored glasses" subside). Only because love is a short-lived feeling, it begins to fade over time, it comes and goes - on its own, quickly and swiftly, and then something needs to be done. But is it necessary to do something when you can start life with clean slate, going for a new love. Here everyone chooses for themselves.

So, in the psychology of relationships, there are 7 stages of love or stages that a feeling goes through before it can be called true love:

1. Falling in love: the very first stage. Without sympathy for each other, nothing can begin, then rapid, rapid growth - the “chemistry of love”, and, after some time, the attenuation of feelings. The duration of the stage is determined up to a year, one and a half years.
2. Satiation: the stage when people begin to live together and the loved one becomes familiar, “satiation of feelings for the partner” occurs.
3. Stage of disgust: the real test for real feelings is the rapid flowering of egoism.
4. Humility: occurs when there is an understanding that there is another person next to you, different from you, whose interests must be taken into account and accepted.
5. Service: a wonderful stage when partners do a pleasant, important thing for each other, without expecting a response in return.
6. Friendship: understanding each other (i.e. not acceptance and humility, but respect for each other, sincere interest).
7. Love: a well-deserved and natural feeling when there is complete understanding and spiritual unity between partners, while each remains an independent, self-sufficient person.

As we can see, the first 3 stages are far from the most ideal states that people encounter. The first stage is wonderful, but it ends quickly and if nothing is done to further develop the relationship, nothing further will happen. But, even if you do something, falling in love is followed by rather painful stages of satiety and disgust, you need to cope with them, go through it like some kind of task, after which comes interest, awareness and a sincere desire to do something for another person, love, in after all. In this regard, couples who share common goals and values ​​achieve more in their relationships. Shared goals guide them forward through different life circumstances.

So, true love, what is she like in life? Of course, love is broader than just the understanding of the love of a man and a woman. For example, isn’t it a manifestation of love when the teacher sees the student’s abilities and builds learning based on his capabilities, and the student trusts the teacher. Or - when parents, raising a child, rely not on their personal goals, but on the characteristics of the child, allowing him to express himself without suppressing his nature, and the child communicates with his parents, not being afraid to speak sincerely and honestly. When friends do not compete with each other, but help, choosing interactions that create common interest. Informed choice defines this kind of relationship, the driving force of which is a feeling of love, interest and respect. Otherwise, why else communicate, do something? If only in the case when the only option left is simply benefits, but isn’t that boring?

What kind of relationship can be called a “loving relationship” - in which there is respect, a desire to see in a person not only the desired attractive traits for him (maybe comfortable), but to accept completely, without suppressing, without wanting to remake. If one person wants another to move in the same direction as him, wouldn’t it be better to accept him as he is, and then, through his example, show an interesting direction?

Besides, loving relationship is the ability to decide together sharp nuances In life, anyone can stumble, but if partners know how to correct the situation in time for the sake of the relationship, this is also a manifestation of love.

Even when, while communicating, people swear and quarrel, communication will be less painful if there is love. The presence of love does not free you from misunderstandings or any difficulties. We are all not perfect and quarrels, conflicts, anger at another person are normal. If you have respect and love for your loved one, if you have the desire and sincere interest to understand him, you can find joint correct solutions.

12.09.2013 Tatiana Kaushanskaya 75 comments

What is true love? - continuation of the theme of attachment.

Last time we discussed how to get rid of attachment to a person. But the topic of attachment does not end with the problem of attachment.

Until you find natural way to get high in life, you will look for artificial ways to get high.

Love is a very complex concept. There is a lot of confusion when we try to understand the nature of love. The mystery of love only adds to this confusion.

One of my favorite writers, psychotherapist Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled. The new psychology of love, traditional values ​​and spiritual development” gives the following definition of love.

Love is the Will to expand one’s own Self in order to nourish one’s own or someone else’s spiritual development.

The world is designed in such a way that we cannot love another person if we do not love ourselves. Just as we cannot teach our children self-discipline if we ourselves do not know how to discipline ourselves.

Peck believes that much suffering could be avoided by teaching people how to define love more accurately. This would greatly reduce a lot of common misconceptions.

Among all the misconceptions, the most common idea is that falling in love is one of the manifestations of love. This misconception exists because falling in love is subjectively experienced as vividly as love.

However, two problems immediately arise:

Firstly, falling in love is a sexually oriented erotic experience. We don't fall in love with our children, although we can love them very much. We only fall in love when it is sexually motivated. It doesn't matter whether it is realized or not.

Secondly, the experience of falling in love is always short-lived. Even if we continue to love a person, falling in love - an ecstatic, stormy feeling - always passes.

The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is that for some time the boundaries of the Ego collapse, and we can “merge” with the personality of another person. The sudden liberation of oneself from oneself, the destruction of the boundaries of one's Ego, is a dramatic cessation of loneliness. All this is experienced by most people as ecstasy.

But this is a temporary condition. Sooner or later, under the pressure of daily problems, the personality asserts itself. He wants sex, she doesn't. She wants to go to the cinema, but he doesn’t like him. Each of them, deep down in their souls, begins to painfully realize that their beloved has his own personal desires, tastes, and habits.

The boundaries of the ego are gradually restored. And then either the destruction of all connecting threads begins, or the long labor of true Love begins.

And here it is important to note that the roots of true love are not in the state of falling in love.

How often does it happen that we fall in love with a person with whom we have little in common; or from which there is no reciprocity or we are not the same better opinion about him? We can choose how to react to the state of falling in love, but we are not given the choice of this state itself.

Think about it. Why is this happening?

True Love is the experience of continuous self-expansion, or in other words, spiritual development.

Love- this is not an expansion of our borders and limits, it is only a partial and temporary destruction of them. Falling in love has little in common with conscious and purposeful spiritual development.

After the moment of falling in love passes and the boundaries of the personality are restored, it is then that the person begins to get rid of illusions.

And this is precisely why we are given the experience of falling in love.

As we get rid of illusions, we simultaneously begin to search for this state of ecstasy that we have experienced. We begin to wonder what happened to us?

I agree with Peck. In my opinion, true Love is closely related to spirituality. You can compare the stages of love of a low consciousness and the consciousness of a spiritually developed person.

Stages of “love” of low consciousness:
Falling in love, attraction, passion, jealousy, psychological dependence, suffering.

Stages of High Consciousness Love:
Falling in love, Love, caring for each other, mutual support and spiritual development.

Why do I always and everywhere talk about spiritual development? Because I found answers to all my questions in life precisely in spiritual development.

True Love- This is a special state of mind. It does not depend on anything or anyone in life. If a person is in a state of Love, he experiences a state of ecstasy every minute.

And then all questions disappear:

1. Will this feeling happen again?

Answer.

2. What will happen if I never experience this feeling again?

Answer. If you develop spiritually, you will live in this feeling.

3. Is there even a chance of finding a person for whom I will feel the same?

Answer. There is no point in looking for a person. We did not look for all the events of our lives. They happened to us themselves. How? I don't know. But somehow, exactly those events always come to us that we are waiting for, and most importantly, for which we are ready at this very moment in life.

4. What if I don’t feel exactly the same way about my partner?

Answer. You can develop love for your partner. Especially if you consider him a worthy person. Stop remembering your crush and start working on your relationship. Relationships do not develop on their own. It is only love that appears on its own, develops on its own and ultimately leaves a residue behind.

The main thing to remember here is that Love for your partner will begin to grow only when love for yourself grows stronger. When you don’t need to look for a thrill in life, when you find your thrill in life. And here we again come up against spiritual development.

We cannot love another person if we do not feel Love within ourselves. Without love within ourselves, we can only fall in love, and then suffer from dependence or possessions, as well as jealousy or reproach.

5. If the fact that I felt love for this person, then it turns out that what I feel for my partner is not love? Should you change your partner if it's not love?

Answer. What you experienced for this person is love, which turned into psychological dependence. There is no connection with love here. Therefore, there is no point in changing your partner precisely for this reason.

In the life of every person, sooner or later, someone important, significant appears, to whom the soul and thoughts are drawn. Sometimes this closeness becomes friendship, sometimes it turns into something more. I really want to distinguish between these two statuses and learn to determine which is which. “Are there signs of love and what are they?” — people have been asking these questions for a long time. How not to get into trouble, not to miss the important things in your life and at the same time not to attach too much importance to the ordinary.

Is this the person I am destined to be with all my life and live it happily? Or wait for someone else who will be even better? When to stop and start appreciating? What is love and what is real love? This inner feeling, which invariably gives us happiness. As the famous Russian psychologist of our time Mikhail Labkovsky said:

“A true feeling can only be happy, the rest will be anything but it. It could be neurosis, addiction, hysteria, anything.”

In passion, a person receives joy, not sadness, anxiety, jealousy or fear of losing important person. What changes our world, what is so multifaceted and many-sided. However, it is possible to identify some common basic features characteristic of this great feeling.

Let's reveal 5 signs of beautiful interdependence among people.

1. Man to man is space. Love is something mysterious, even mystical, which is not always understood. This unknown force of attraction that arises between two people, has the character of an eternal mystery. No matter what the chemists who supposedly solved its mystery claim, explaining everything in chemical formulas. But is it really that simple? Psychology finds new explanations, mechanisms and principles of this emotion from year to year, but has never fully revealed its secret. There is no logic or rational element in the attraction of one person in love to another. Without a doubt, this arises on the basis of archetypes and behavioral stereotypes formed in childhood, and helps to receive insufficiently received or transmitted parental love. Everyone looks for in the other what they themselves once did not receive, and sometimes attachment also arises from this. And you can never say with certainty that you understood another, but you can say that you accepted without even understanding.
2. Fear of loss. Some people are afraid of losing that one or only one. Some people are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. When we need another so much that we become dependent on the person. At this moment, the fear of losing him as a part of himself appears unconditional. Sometimes an emotion is so absorbing that you even want to push it away, so that it won’t be so painful, scary, and so as not to fall completely under the power of another person, submitting completely. Sincere feelings subjugate us completely, and this is also scary and compared to death, but if you trust this, then new levels of sensations and freedom will open up before a person.
3. Lack of guarantees and insurance. No one will convince us that this is once and for all, that the new attraction will always be comfortable and cozy, that it will be eternal and happy. But we try, and the one who is honest with himself and his partner wins. Often we are dominated by the sad experience of previous relationships. Part of the soul is broken and awaits injections, so it is difficult to plunge headlong into a new, albeit promising, emotion and believe: passion, partner, future. But you'll never know until you try. It's better to regret what you've done than to mourn a missed chance.
4. Wish without a doubt. Platonic passion is nothing more than a myth invented by a more or less insolvent person. Deep passion consumes a person at all levels of existence, including the gross physical. It is physical intimacy that is a vivid manifestation of feeling, and it is not necessary to experience it every moment. Different emotions have ups and downs. But physical desire always accompanies her.
5. You become alive and significant. By getting into each other, we choose a person to play a major role in our lives. This makes the chosen one or chosen one special not only in our eyes, but also in our own. By exchanging emotions, we give each other ourselves along with our inner world, thus doubling our worldview.

In addition to deeply internal symptoms, there are external signs true love - in behavior, aspirations. Here are some signs of a lover:

• Thoughts about this person that sometimes become so intrusive that there is no room in the head for anything else. This is the most typical thing that happens at this time.
• The desire to spend all the time together. I want to tell as much as possible about myself and also fully know everything about the other person. I want to spend every minute together, even just being nearby.
• Being with someone important to you makes you feel comfortable and safe.
• Attitude to conflicts. For some, their own rightness is so significant that they cease to value and respect other people’s opinions and their own happiness. It is more important to resolve the conflict than to defend your point of view and principles.
• Exchange of deep emotions. At the same time, lovers do not feel afraid to open up and show themselves without protection and masks. What is very important here is the trust that they have in each other, which allows them to immerse themselves in the truth of the relationship;
• No interest in others. We are not talking about complete indifference to the rest of the world; there is simply no need to constantly search for another, to attract someone’s attention to oneself. The object of sympathy he has found is so deep and boundless that he does not want to waste his time on others.
• Plans for future life together. At first it was just good together, but I want to deepen this state and make it more stable. There is a desire to be together constantly, and this already leads to the creation of joint plans. You are ready to accept another into your life not temporarily, but permanently, and you are also ready to enter the life of your chosen one.

If these symptoms are about you, then the world will no longer be the same, and happiness is inevitable.

How to sense Her approach

The first signs of love are always the most exciting moment in its inception. Is it possible to identify the signs of approaching love? You can listen to yourself and notice the emergence of something new, catch in yourself the signs of a person in love: goosebumps in the presence of the chosen one or chosen one, languor in anticipation of the appearance, increased heartbeat only at the thought of the very object of desire.

Or look for sure signs in nature and surrounding events that She is already close. And then interpret dreams: a full moon, a bouquet of white flowers given by a stranger, a candle in the hands of another. Looking for someone's lost wedding invitation or wedding accessory on the street is a sure sign of a future connection. Or in the spring, perceive every breath of fresh wind as a chance for something bright and sincere to come into life, expecting it with all your soul and bringing it closer with your readiness.

Jealousy and Passion

What is the most obvious sign of true feeling?

There are people who believe that jealousy is a sign of love. Usually it is practically not inherent in people who are self-confident. In fact, if you allow another to choose, you give the right to a personal opinion, then there is no place left for jealousy. There is no jealousy while there is deep passion, and certainly not when it has already disappeared.

Is jealousy a manifestation of sincere affection or one’s own complex, going shoulder to shoulder with someone else’s complex? A destructive feeling that reduces one of the partners to a state of ownership, and the other, accordingly, to an owner. A healthy and self-confident person does not need to constantly monitor his companion, convince himself that there is no double bottom or threat to your relationship behind words, gestures and attention to other people.

Love, according to psychology, does not have a clear definition. The most common interpretations of the term are: a state of inspiration, a desire to give joy, a need to feel loved. The concept of “true love” applies to all of these states and is built on the basic concepts of intimacy, passion and commitment. But before experiencing true love, a couple goes through 7 stages that help not to confuse love with falling in love.

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What is true love

True love is love that did not arise suddenly. This is a firmly formed feeling that appeared during the development of relationships. According to the works of American psychologist Robert Sternberg, true love is based on 3 components:

• proximity;
• passions;
• obligation.

To reach the listed feelings in relation to another person, it takes time, during which you need to get to know the other half even more. Relationships develop according to the following stages:

1. 1. Love. Everyday life and real problems force lovers to move from a feeling of euphoria to the next level.
2. 2. Satiation. At the stage of coexistence (when they are already fed up with feelings, the hormones have receded), people either separate or develop the relationship further.
3. 3. Rejection. Each of the partners becomes selfish and tries to pull the blanket over themselves.
4. 4. Tolerance. The stage of coming to terms with the partner’s shortcomings, accepting personality and discovering new traits of his/her character begins.
5. 5. Service. A person taught by experience begins to show wisdom, since he has already managed to study all the positive and negative qualities of his partner. At this stage, everyone tries to support each other.
6. 6. Friendship. The look at the second half is completely new, acceptance of the partner as close, the second period of falling in love begins.
7. 7. Love. Perceiving another person as oneself, the absence of cunning tricks and mercantile thoughts.

How to prove to a girl that you love her

How the feeling manifests itself

According to psychologist E. A. Borodaenko, the words “Love to the grave, feelings for life” are statements of people in codependent relationships. This is not a sign of true love. Deep feeling implies actions and actions.

How true love is manifested in actions and actions:

• Give gifts.
• Put the interests of others above your own.
• To feel safety next to a person, stability in feelings.
• Learn to forgive.
• Get better.
• Be able to remain silent and understand without words.
• Act as one team.
• Give more than you receive in a relationship.
• Help the other half.
• Let go of spending your free time without worrying about yourself.

Love at first sight

Is there true love

There is no ideal relationship between a guy and a girl, a man and a woman. The word "ideal" does not apply to people because everyone has flaws. Therefore, we need to learn to accept and understand each other.

Does love really exist?

1. 1. On the Internet. Nowadays, people often fall in love on the Internet, which is largely a deception. People often impersonate others. “Love on the Internet” is an interest in a person, the inaccessibility of an object, which makes it even more desirable. It has nothing to do with real feeling.
2. 2. At first sight. There are couples who claim that they fell in love at first sight. But it's just love. If people know each other a little longer, then they have a better chance of finding true love.
3. 3. In childhood. An unformed personality does not understand himself or those around him, and therefore does not experience true love. At 16, 14, or even 12 years old, it is necessary to tell the child how to recognize a real feeling.

You need to work on relationships, have a strong desire to create a family, strong and long relationship. If two people show desire, then everything will work out.

Why love lasts 3 years

How not to confuse it with falling in love

True love must go through all 7 stages. This is a lot of work on relationships. A warm feeling or attraction towards someone is a common crush.

A couple of tips on how not to confuse a sincere, selfless feeling with being in love:

1. 1. Passion. Love is not always sexually oriented, unlike falling in love.
2. 2. Time. Feelings develop at different speeds: you can start loving after months or years, but you can fall in love at first sight.
3. 3. Selfishness. Feelings in love are aimed at the comfort of the other person.
4. 4. Self-sacrifice. The lover will not show dedication.
5. 5. Depth. Falling in love passes faster, but love lasts longer.
6. 6. Convention. A deep feeling is to perceive a person as a whole, and falling in love involves the emergence of a feeling of sympathy because of something (character quality, appearance etc.).
7. 7. Manifestation. Various actions show the attitude towards the other half: breakfast in bed, caring during illness, etc.
8. 8. Acceptance. A man who is in love sees only positive aspects character, and the one who loves knows the negative qualities and accepts them.

True love is a magical and enchanting feeling. How to guess that a relationship that is emerging or lasting for some time is true? How to recognize love for life, hold it, preserve it and not let it go, no matter what happens? This question interests many readers, because initial stage In the development of relationships, it is so easy to confuse love, passion and even lust with a subtle sublime feeling.

There are several distinctive features, indicating sincere love. In our next publication we will introduce readers to the main manifestations of this sublime feeling.

Love does not force you to look for yourself in another person

Very often we want to fall in love only because we are in the process of finding ourselves. We are desperately looking for kindred spirits and we easily manage to fall in love, as if by magic. It's like we give our brain the command to fall in love and dissolve in a person with a similar worldview. But such feelings are always short-term. If we are not aware of this, it means that we may soon be severely disappointed.

True love does not require your chosen one to have similar interests or complete imitation. This feeling will never force you to look for yourself in another person.

You won't find true feelings until you love yourself.

Only harmony with yourself, with your inner self, can, like a magnet, attract the feelings of another person. Surely each of us will remember a time when loved ones consoled us at a time when our heart was broken. And all the words of consolation were spoken correctly then. You were abandoned not because you were unworthy, it was just the way the circumstances turned out. You were abandoned, which means those feelings were not real. Love yourself, and you will definitely find harmony and happiness in a new relationship.

Love doesn't require anything

A person tries with all his might to find love, it just so happens. We are confident that a sincere feeling will bring happiness, help us cope with any adversity, and make us cleaner and stronger. And how easy is it to distinguish true love from all-consuming love? short time falling in love. Remember, true love will never require you to lose weight, play sports, get up to generally accepted standards, or reconsider your social circle. Sincere feelings never require anything, even in return, because they are selfless. Therefore, truly happy people are those who accept their partners as they are, without conditions or ultimatums.

Love allows you to be yourself

Dear ladies, how often are you embarrassed to appear in front of your chosen one in the morning without makeup? For some reason, you are sure that he will like you much less if you are unkempt and unwashed. You don’t want to let your loved one get close to you when you have a cold, embarrassed by your reddened eyes. You run to the bathroom to brush your teeth in the morning at the moment when your lover tries to kiss you. And if your partner demonstrates to you with all his nature that your naturalness is important to him, then he really loves you.

True love is not used to asking questions

Do you find yourself thinking about the future of your couple or asking yourself too many questions about your chosen one and the right choice? Then you haven't met your soulmate yet. This union is most likely just an episode in your life. True love always comes naturally, and it will never ask the question, “Is this the right person for me?”

To receive, you must learn to give

Remember that real relationships cannot afford restraint in feelings, much less use as a bargaining chip. It is very important to appreciate and accept a partner with all his shortcomings. What will happen if for every trifle and for every slightest wrong step, a cold reception awaits your partner? And why repeat words of love to your soul mate as a tribute for good deeds. A loved one is not a child; he does not need to be raised.

True love will not stop if a person suddenly falls ill, loses his acquired fortune, or commits some kind of offense. True feeling is unconditional. By giving your chosen one unselfish love, you can always count on reciprocity. Remember that by giving, a person always gains much more.

Love is based on friendship

Remember how at the beginning of the publication we touched on the topic of finding yourself in another person. That's right, love should not look for similar interests, but very often it is based on friendship. Remember that many happy couples have known each other since school and, as they say, managed to “eat more than a pound of salt with each other” before they realized that a magical feeling had overtaken them. Remember that physical, sizzling passion is short-lived. What will you talk about with your partner when the spark fades? You will simply lose interest in him, but the friendship will remain forever.