Ideas about a happy marriage

“The happiest marriage is one of convenience, but the calculation must be correct.” I heard this phrase a long time ago, but only recently understood its meaning. Modern youth believes that marriage is a holiday. And once they get married, they quickly despair. Hence the crazy number of divorces. In fact, after the wedding you seem to find yourself on another planet. You see your soul mate from a completely different side, you see the flaws and things that irritate you. You have certain difficulties, or even problems, both with finances and in relationships. Then a child is born and there is only enough strength for him. Not a cheerful picture... but, nevertheless, it will be so, sooner or later.
Therefore, before you get married, get to know your soul mate well. Look at her in different situations, find out about her past, write a list of her shortcomings. Try to answer the question for yourself: “Can I live with this person all my life?”

Weigh everything carefully. Are you satisfied with her (his) behavior, friends, work, attitude towards life? Is he able to provide for his family, are you willing to put up with his smoking (weakness for drinking, women), are you sure of the sincerity of your relationship. For many, the questions will be different. One of my friends even found out about what kind of inheritance the betrothed would have, and my employee took the trouble to find out about all the hereditary diseases of the bride’s family.

By the time you get married, you should know everything about her (him)! " Dark spots“The family will not be strengthened. And never marry out of spite or to please anyone. Your life is yours alone, and you have it alone. Why doom yourself to problems and divorces in the first place?!

The first secret of a happy family is fidelity!

Family begins with loyalty. This is not a modern statement at all. But it works! A family is a nest, and a husband and wife are birds. So remember that birds do not fly at night, but sleep peacefully in their nests!

My friend decided for herself that her family was a union of two friends. That everyone can have their own life. This was, in my opinion, the initial mistake. She often disappeared at discos, and her husband began to work more and more often. Four years of this life ended in divorce.

And there are hundreds of such examples! All young families try to meet some Western cinematic standards. But life is not a movie. And when you get married, you must initially be committed to being faithful to your partner. It’s better to even discuss this issue with your significant other. According to scientific research, 96 percent of Americans consider fidelity the main secret of happiness in the family. And even one betrayal can become the first crack in your relationship, and sometimes such cracks cannot be mended.

The second secret of family happiness is to appreciate your other half!

After several years life together Each of the spouses accumulates some kind of grievances and omissions in their souls. This is where quarrels begin. Don’t keep everything to yourself and try to discuss the problem right away. My grandmother used to say that spouses do not go to bed when they quarrel. Because the resentment with the clock only gets stronger, and it will be more difficult to make peace in the morning. How can you be the first to compromise? It's not easy! And everyone thinks that he is the one who is right, and the one who is right should not apologize and “bend in”. And here there is a way out - imagine for a moment that your husband (wife) has disappeared. Just imagine it very realistically.

One incident in my life taught me a lot. While studying at the institute, we had one in our group married couple– signed immediately after the first year. As expected, soon a wonderful little one was born to them. And from that moment on, something went wrong in the family, the spouses constantly fought, often in public. This went on for more than two years. And in the summer before her fifth year, Alya burned out from cancer in 10 days - and the young dad was left alone with the baby. God forbid anyone should experience this. Once in a conversation, Oleg (now a widower) said: “I never imagined that Ali would be gone, I thought that she would always be with me. And now, if it were possible to return the past, I would never quarrel with her, I would carry her in my arms...” These words are deeply etched in my memory.

But, it’s true, we don’t value what we have, and when we lose it, we cry. Try to live every day like it's your last. Appreciate and pamper those who are nearby. Don't be afraid to apologize, don't forget to give flowers, don't quarrel and love your friend like you did on the first day you met. Your soul mate is your treasure! Remember this.

The third secret is a successful fight against everyday life!

There has been an expression circulating among people for a long time: everyday life is boring. Yes, everyday problems turn our life into a routine, tire us and often cause quarrels. What to do?! From the very first day family life(as practice shows, at this moment spouses easily make concessions) try to divide responsibilities. The husband loves to vacuum - please, the wife cooks deliciously - no problem. Minor repairs are the responsibility of the man, weekly grocery shopping and cleaning are a joint endeavor. Here is an example of separation of duties. Many men believe that a woman should run the household. I agree only if the woman is a housewife. If both spouses work, both of them, regardless of gender, have the right to rest.
What if no one likes to wash dishes? There is a solution - buy. In general, modern household appliances can take care of almost all the worries of the owners.

My co-worker recently got married. Despite this, she stays at work for a long time (well, that’s how we work). Once I was curious if my husband was grumbling that his wife was not at home and no one was preparing dinner. It turns out not! With all the money donated for the wedding, the newlyweds bought a lot of household appliances - from a coffee maker to a washing machine. And now, having come home, my husband quickly heats up dinner in the microwave; bakes fresh bread; the yogurt maker makes yoghurts for breakfast; The dishwasher washes the dishes. Ira only has to prepare the first, second and third once every three days.

This is the way out! Don’t skimp, buy household appliances, perhaps not all at once, but gradually. But in our rhythm of life, we can’t live without such helpers.

Secret four - support

A long time ago I read one saying: “Everything that a person achieves is the merit of the people who believe in him.” If you want your husband to earn more, don’t try to nag him! Support your spouse, try to calm him down in moments of despair, give good advice, if necessary, or just listen carefully. Moreover, dear readers of MirSovetov, remember that such support should be mutual! After all, a family is like a water cycle: if you give something to another, it should come back a hundredfold.

When my husband and I got married, he was a simple engineer, and I had just graduated from college. His salary was enough for several weeks, and even that was constantly delayed. Five and a half years have passed. My husband has his own furniture business. I changed my tedious job in a government agency to an extremely profitable (by the standards of our city) job in a private company. We achieved all this together, and I consider mutual support to be the secret of such success.

A person should feel that his family really needs him - it’s inspiring, believe me. And if you are loved, if you are respected, then there are no problems, and there is no need to quarrel.

The fifth secret is to do everything together!

In Ryazanov’s famous film, the main character imagined marriage like this: “she will flash before my eyes all the time - back and forth...”. Yes, to some extent this is true. But I will never understand people who want to take a break from each other. They go on vacation separately, spend weekends separately...
My parents have known each other for 33 years, they work in the same institution, spend all their evenings together, and on vacation - just the two of them. And they are happy! What's the secret? They feel good together - they have a lot of common interests, there is always something to discuss. They don’t, because dad is a funny guy, and he always has a fresh joke in stock. Mom is peace itself. She always feels cozy and warm, she makes the most delicious coffee, and radiates kindness. This, in my opinion, is a real family.

Take the test. Ask your lover what kind of plant he imagines himself to be. If it is a flower, it means it is gentle and flexible, if a tree or shrub is reliable and charismatic, if a cactus is freedom-loving and rebellious. It’s good if a flower and a tree come together in marriage - this is the key to a happy family. Tested on everyone I know!

Try to be together every minute, do common things, always have, breathe the same air, raise children together, enjoy a joint vacation, weekends spent outside the city with the whole family. Otherwise, why get married???

Secret sixth and last - always find time for sex!

Yes, intimate life is also a part of family life, and for some, sometimes the most important. And in this area, you also need to make some efforts. In the first years of marriage, as a rule, there are no problems in intimate life. But over the years, sex becomes boring and monotonous. So you shouldn’t think that everything will work out on its own. Now there is a lot of literature, the Internet is full of articles on how to refresh your sex life. Don’t be lazy, take the initiative, organize, try something new...

I always thought that there was no sex in the USSR. But no! Before my wedding, my grandmother gave me an order: “Send your husband to work with a full stomach and empty…”. I was shocked. But, apparently, this is a sure cure for betrayal.

Dear readers of MirSovetov, perhaps you also have your own secrets of family happiness - leave them in your reviews! It may happen that your advice and examples will save more than one family. Be happy!

Does the desire to arrange marriage for a “beautiful date” indicate seriousness of intentions?

News feeds are full of messages: “On August 8, 1,675 marriages were registered - this is two or even three times more than on ordinary days.” Often young couples, relying on dubious superstitions and coincidences, strive to arrange marriage by a certain date - not in May, not in a leap year, or a certain lucky number. The lovers are not stopped even by the statistics of their predecessors, which speak more eloquently than all numbers: the number of divorces among those who got married on 07/07/07 in some regions of the country reached 25%. According to the Moscow Civil Registry Office, several couples came to divorce just a few weeks after the wedding.

Is it really love and concern for the future that makes people apply for a certain “lucky” number? Does this indicate seriousness of intentions and approach to marriage?

What helps create a truly eternal union?

Priest Alexy Chumakov, clergyman of the Holy Trinity Church in Oxnard, Los Angeles

In my opinion, the desire to predict marriage dates is a superstition, slightly related to astrology, horoscopes and other heresies that violate the freedom given to us by God. These superstitions are hardly related to the seriousness of their intentions, because even when they are most serious, people retain their superstitions.

What helps to save a family and make the union truly eternal? It’s a difficult question, and I don’t know the answer to it, although I’ve been married for 25 years. Probably, mutual love, and at all its levels, is the “glue” that unites two people into “one flesh.” God who unites two is Love. And love in marriage is well described by the famous words of the Apostle Paul from the Epistle to the Corinthians: “...Love is patient, is kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud, does not act in excess, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity. , but rejoices in the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Of course, in such a perfect form it does not appear instantly; it requires cultivation, maintenance, and development. There is a saying that children are sent by God to raise their parents. Likewise, spouses are for each other.

I know of several families that I can call happy and strong. We have to admit the fact that the formal religion and Christianity of the spouses and “marriage” are not absolute components happy marriage. Marriage is a heavenly institution, it is sanctified by the Church, but is inherent in general to all people in one form or another. This is probably a component of that “law written on the tablets of the heart” that the Apostle Paul wrote about. In those stable and happy marriages that I know, there is, as it were, constant communication, an interview between the spouses, one gets the impression that they nourish each other, support each other in difficult moment, are ready to give in where they need to give in - they are really connected together. This is probably a gift from God. And to preserve and develop it, to use the “talent” given to us by God and increase it is our duty. It is worth remembering more often the above definition of love of the Apostle Paul and, in accordance with them, building your relationships with your neighbors.

Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko, chairman of the editorial board of our portal, father of 12 children, grandfather of 18 grandchildren

People who try to guess the day of marriage by a certain date are mistaken: there are no lucky numbers. I don’t know if this indicates seriousness of intentions, but it certainly indicates disbelief.

First of all, it is important that people love, understand, appreciate, take care of each other and strive for like-mindedness. Young people must have strong faith and the desire to live according to the commandments of God.

Family happiness is many years of work. There is no recipe for family happiness: people are similar to each other, but at the same time, each person is individual.

Priest Alexy Lymarev, cleric of the Church of St. Nicholas in Tolmachi at the State Tretyakov Gallery, teacher at Sretensky Theological Seminary, father of two children

Of course, from a purely human perspective, we can say that people who carefully choose their wedding date are really serious about it. But the fact is that these people do not have the faith, knowledge, love and hope in God that is in the heart of every Christian. But, as they say, a holy place is never empty, so this place is often filled with what is offered to a person modern world. First of all, these are echoes of magic, astrology, and superstitions, which do not even have a scientific basis, being only a way of money laundering. As evidenced by numerous predictions that are published in huge numbers. Thus, a person's consciousness is influenced; people absorb the product of the era and even try to apply it to their lives.

The basis for marriage is, first of all, centered in love, and the main property of love, as the Apostle Paul said, is to forgive. There is no need to strive to see in your loved one the mythical creature that he invented for himself. Better try to love real person with his problems and shortcomings, look closely and see the person who is dear to your heart, learn to give in and forgive.

Otherwise, a story similar to the one described in Alexander Green may emerge. The hero, not knowing either the girl or her character, spends precious days and years of his life to see this beautiful girl. But in reality, he is unable to establish any relationship with her. And because of this, he almost misses the one who becomes his legal, beloved wife, capable of understanding him. This becomes the basis for their happy marriage. It is important to understand and accept a person for who he is, and also to be able to tolerate, forgive and sacrifice.

Life in God is the basis for marriage. As one of the classics said, everyone is happy in different ways. What is an example of a happy life for one person may not be suitable for another.

In my pastoral practice, there is a case when one of the spouses forgives infidelity, endures, prays, suffers, worries. The other half also suffers, despite its weakness, despite the fear that lives in it. And after many years they find themselves again in their family. This is the greatest feat of leniency, which ultimately made it possible for the missing person to return to his family. After all, this man lost a child, lost his family, spent all his money and vitality on love on the side. A few years later the man returned to his family. This is an indicator of how the sacrifice of one person can be the reason for finding happiness, finding a loved one. The very opportunity to start a family is already a great blessing for many people, since this is the fulfillment of God’s commandment “Let a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.”

For this family, a difficult ordeal turned into a great victory, triumph and happiness of a lifetime. But for another person it could be a tragedy. Therefore, each case should be considered separately.

There is no single recipe for happiness. Much depends on the character of the person. One seeks quiet happiness and joy, the other needs wild delight or aesthetic experiences. Each person and each family is individual.

Deacon Timofey Kuropatov, cleric of the Church of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God in Kolomenskoye, father of three children

The basis of any family is love. The Lord helps to create and affirms an eternal union, but people themselves must show humility, sensitivity and understanding. Nothing helps save a family more than the ability to endure.

When the conversation turns to the secrets of family happiness, I first of all remember one of the stories of Paisius the Svyatogorets. The husband and wife lived in perfect harmony until the husband changed his old job to a new, highly paid one. Soon the husband began to go for walks, sometimes even bringing women to his home, forcing his wife to feed the uninvited guests.

To protect the children, the wife told them that these were her friends or her father’s relatives. She didn’t need the example of a father who was walking, so she tried in every possible way to hide the tragedy of their family from the children. The most important thing for her was to raise her children to be good and decent people. The woman endured and waited for her husband to come to his senses. It so happened that this man had an accident. All his women and acquaintances turned their backs on him, except his wife. Then he really realized his guilt and repented. The man lived another year and a half after the accident, warmly thanking his wife for everything she did for him. This man's consciousness has completely changed. The result is that this woman returned her husband, and not only to the family - she returned him to God, and raised decent children.

To create a strong union, the example of parents and relatives is very important. The generation that is growing up today has before their eyes more negative examples (divorce, quarrels, division of property) than positive ones. No matter how we treat our parents and relatives, we still imitate and copy them.

Orthodox families differ from secular ones in that people of faith have an inner core and framework that holds them back. The life and family of Orthodox people is based on faith in God. They build their lives on this unbreakable foundation. The family of unbelievers also stands on a foundation, but on a more shaky one.

Mikhail Moiseev, editor-in-chief of the Patriarchy portal. ru, Deputy Head of the Press Service of the Moscow Patriarchate

My confessor told me this story.

When he served in one of the North Caucasian dioceses, among his acquaintances was a family of Tabasarans - a rare and small Dagestani ethnic group. Representatives of this ethnic group traditionally profess Islam. Familiar priests - Mohammed and Fatima - were no exception.

Fatima had an acquaintance - an Orthodox Russian woman, with whom she was very friendly. It so happened that after some time Fatima believed. She never detailed how it happened, but she believed so deeply that she wanted to be baptized. It was almost impossible to accept baptism openly in the conditions in which she lived: neither her husband nor her relatives would understand her. Such actions in the Caucasus have always met with the most brutal reaction.

She was baptized secretly. A Russian friend became her godmother. When she was baptized, a colossal revolution took place in her soul. On the one hand, she was very happy that she had finally accepted holy Baptism, on the other hand, she suffered from the thought that neither her children nor her beloved husband knew or felt what she knew and felt. She shared her sadness with her godmother, and she advised her what any believer would advise in such a situation - to pray. I don’t know how Fatima prayed (naturally, she was given a different name at Baptism); Apparently, her prayer was very sincere and heartfelt, because after some time her husband Mohammed, without any hints from his wife or her help, suddenly told her that he wanted to convert to Orthodoxy. She was immensely happy and revealed to her husband that she had long since come to faith.

Mohammed received Baptism, and two children were also baptized. After this, the family was forced to leave Dagestan because their relatives cursed them and promised to deal with them. Mohammed and Fatima and their children moved to one of the regional centers in the North Caucasus.

After some time, Mohammed decided to enter the seminary. He was joyfully received by the ruling bishop: the Tabasaran man truly had an extraordinary destiny; from his appearance it was clear that he accepted Orthodoxy with the utmost sincerity, with all his heart, and changed his whole life. He was accepted into the seminary and was soon ordained a deacon, and then a priest.

Family happiness- this is the highest level of well-being that every family strives for, but without realizing some secrets of family happiness, fails. What every family needs to know to achieve family happiness is simple secrets and methods that have already led many families to acquire happiness and joy in the family.

The mistake lies in worry and in the fact that families often listen to the opinions of others who do not have experience and sufficient knowledge in this area. It is wiser to listen to those who independently found all the secrets of family happiness, or read all this in this article. Psychologists collected all the secrets by studying those families who found them themselves and shared them with other families.

What is happiness in your family?

People often make the mistake of just looking secrets of family happiness, not understanding what this happiness means for them. There are many debates and opinions regarding happiness. But one thing became clear: happiness is created by man himself and he himself achieves it. Accordingly, you need to clearly understand what happiness is for you, you can even write it down on a piece of paper and start searching. Having realized what happiness means to you, you have completed 50% of your journey to the very secrets of this happiness and well-being. If you choose the wrong happiness, then having achieved it, you go to achieve a new happiness, this is normal and this often happens with families. Practice, try, act and then you will find exactly what you need.

The secret of happiness is family problems

People often avoid problems, especially in family life, this is a mistake, since all the secrets of family happiness are mainly related to problems. Happiness does not lie in the fact that there are many problems in your family and you do not solve them, but in the fact that you solve all family problems as soon as they arise. Every problem has hidden power and benefit, and if you start solving problems instead of avoiding them, then you will feel and receive this power and benefit. It has long been proven that those families who had big problems, and they solved them together, and did not run away from them, became the happiest and strong families. Therefore, you can read the article: where it is written in more detail about the most important problems in families and how to solve them.

The secret of happiness is children

From the psychological side, children, and their smile, give parents joy and happiness, respectively, the secret of family happiness is in children. There are many people who believe that their meaning of life and joy are children, and this is really correct. In a family where there are children and parents love them, it is very joyful and wonderful. And those who don’t want children and don’t love them basically create unnecessary problems for themselves and will never feel the meaning of life, joy and happiness. Children are what makes parents solve problems, achieve success in life and family, and be happy in the eyes of the child.

The secret is love and understanding

In a family where there is love and understanding, there is real happiness and joy. Almost all the secrets of family happiness that you will encounter along the way are connected precisely with love and understanding. Without this, you cannot call a family happy, so you need to strive to ensure that love and understanding are present in your family. To do this, start by spending more time with your family, at least one day a week, dedicate only to your family. Share your problems, solve questions and problems together with your family. Hold family meetings to resolve issues, problems, or just to chat and learn something new that happened in the family during the day. If you yourself love your family, you will do everything necessary to ensure that love and understanding are present in it.

The secrets of family happiness are support and attention

In addition to love and understanding, your family should have each other's support and attention. This is also an important secret to family happiness, so do everything in your power to make sure this all appears in your family. For example, start supporting your family in difficult times, for example children, when they make mistakes and have problems that they cannot solve on their own. Start paying more attention to your family, asking how they are doing, joking, giving gifts, making wishes Have a good day. You need to fall passionately in love with your family, then everything will come naturally. Find the highlight of what will motivate you to improve your family and make your family happy.

Teach, share your experience, give examples to children

The most important thing in family life is the birth of a child and his upbringing. Not only the mother, but also the father should be involved in upbringing, since the child needs not only to be told what he is interested in, but also to share specific experiences and give examples for a successful and happy life. Even though the child is small, this does not mean that he does not understand and does not hear you. Children, unlike their parents, develop and copy all the information they see or hear.

Therefore, feel free to tell what you understand and share your experience, since you need to be careful with your own behavior and what you say, since the child will copy all this. Start developing with your child, it is useful for you and for him. For example: not just forcing him to do it, but setting an example and starting to read as well. The child will see that you are reading and will want to start reading. Your desire to make your family happier will do everything for you, relax and enjoy life.

If you have questions or additions to the article, write in the comments.

© Elena Sozonchuk, 2018

© Alexander Sozonchuk, 2018

ISBN 978-5-4490-3983-5

Created in the intellectual publishing system Ridero

According to statistics, approximately half of marriages break up. About half of them could be saved by improving relationships. Why didn’t the spouses do this and allow themselves to pass the point of no return? How to avoid this? What to do if the relationship begins to deteriorate? How to create and maintain a marriage? This is what our book is about, in which we share the secrets of not only maintaining marital relationships, but also how to make a family happy.

The authors of the book are Elena and Alexander Sozonchuk, spouses with 33 years of experience in a happy family life, psychologists-psychotherapists, neuropsychologists, family and personal psychologists with 27 years of professional experience, founders of the Psychological Studio “ROST”, St. Petersburg. During this time, we helped save about 120 families...

Some chapters are illustrated by fragments of real consultations on family problems, with whom we worked (with the permission of clients).

This edition of the book is expanded and revised.

Can family life be happy? Maybe!

So that there is a relationship happy, first of all, not only one of the partners should be interested in them, but both!

Feeling lost may lead you to search for someone who is willing to take full responsibility for your life, just to ease the tension. But before you do this, imagine for a second, you put on the collar of your beloved pet, and give the leash to someone else, but where it will lead you, you have no idea. Are you that comfortable?

There is no place for confusion and powerlessness in relationships. If one of the partners feels this, then this relationship no longer really exists. The whole point of a relationship is freedom.

Happy relationship are built on a solid foundation of free will and cooperative effort. The most important journey in life for each of us is the one during which we meet our person. And these relationships bring us personal development and happiness.

You can get much more out of your relationship if you build it together rather than trying to control it all the time. In reality it is a cycle. The strength of a relationship directly depends on the strengths of each partner, and these strengths in turn depend on the quality of the relationship.

In our mentality, based on fantasies and fairy tales about romantic love, it is assumed that one day you will meet “your One” or “your One”, and will immediately get rid of suffering and melancholy, and in return you will receive a state of eternal unity and bliss. It’s easier this way - to consider that this is the mission exclusively of your partner - to make you happy man!

In fact, a harmonious relationship can bring you happiness, but filling the feeling of emptiness in your heart is not the task of your partner. This is directly your and only your task, and until you take full responsibility for this emptiness, pain, melancholy inside you, problems will inevitably be present in your relationship.

Only you yourself can make yourself happy and no one else can do it. And first you must create your own HAPPINESS before sharing it with anyone else.

Remember that love for people begins with self-love! Never allow yourself to completely dissolve in another person, like sugar in a cup of tea! Otherwise, who else to love? You're not here! Always maintain your boundaries!

When all your actions and thoughts revolve around another person, you neglect your own interests, and this leads to addiction.

The problem is that the development of this dependence gives rise to a feeling of resentment that the partner does not reciprocate... Why? After all, he feels like a “king on the throne”?

Jim Rohn, a famous American entrepreneur, once said: “The greatest gift you can give anyone is your own excellence as an individual. I once said: “If you are attentive to me, I will be attentive to you. Now I say this: “I will be attentive to myself for your sake if you are attentive to yourself for my sake.”

There is no need to look for an ideal partner, the one created by your imagination, and try on your template for a real partner: “is it suitable or not?” Remember, you will never find something like this, because it simply does not exist... We are all people, “woven” from strengths and weaknesses, we are not perfect, and neither are you...

We love and appreciate people not because they are ideal; often they are completely far from ideal. In fact, the less you expect from the person you love, the happier your relationship will be.

No one in your life will act the way you expect them to. They are not you - they will not be able to love, give in and understand you as much as you do.

The biggest disappointment in life and in relationships is unjustified expectations. Remember the popular expression: “In order not to be disappointed, there is no need to be enchanted.”

People tend to improve and strive for the ideal, but achieving it is almost impossible... You just need to strive to ensure that the relationship brings joy, even if it’s not ideal!

Each of us is not immune from mistakes. No one can boast, looking back at their life’s path, that they haven’t made a single mistake along the way... Besides, we need mistakes for experience. By doing them, we understand what is better for us and what is worse.

Based on this, you need to give yourself and your partner a chance to correct mistakes, and not cut rashly, breaking off the relationship...

But if you have forgiven, then don’t reproach, don’t poke your nose in, hurting again and again...

When your partner continues to blame you for past mistakes, this is a sign of an inharmonious relationship. If both partners do this, then it turns into a hopeless fight, which will show which of you has broken down more over the years.

When you reproach a person for his past mistakes in order to confirm your current righteousness, it leads to a no-win situation. You are not only deceiving reality. By remembering past mistakes, you are manipulating the other person.

If this situation continues for a long time, both partners end up spending all their energy trying to prove their innocence instead of solving the current problem.

When you choose a person with whom you plan to build a relationship, you thereby accept him with previous mistakes. If you don't put up with his mistakes, then in the end the relationship with this person will not work out. If something from your partner's past bothers you, you should learn to accept it as normal. The past remains in the past...

One of the most common goals of family psychotherapy is to restore trust between spouses...

Trust is the foundation of good relationships, and when trust is broken, it is very difficult to regain. Often people say: “I didn’t tell him anything, but I didn’t lie either...” This statement contradicts itself. Not only did you not lie, but you also did not tell the truth, you hid it, which means you do not trust your partner.

Remember, a person who tells the whole truth (even the bitter one) to your face is always better than a friend or loved one who constantly lies to you. It is worth paying attention not only to people’s words, but also to their actions, correlating them with each other.

If you caught your spouse lying, then it's time to have an honest conversation. And you need to start such a conversation not with reproaches and reproaches, but with “magic” words: “I understand you...”. For example, “I understand you, it was difficult for you to tell me the truth, you were afraid that I would not understand you, that I would judge you...” Thus, you give the person a credit of trust, show that you are not in the mood for war, but for a friendly conversation...

Often in a couple you can find aggressive behavior, which takes many forms, but, as a rule, is divided into verbal aggression (screaming, calling names, swear words, etc.) and non-verbal (fighting, brawls, etc.).

What contributes to the accumulation of aggressive energy, which “splashes out” on loved ones like this? As a rule, this is either aggression towards the aggressor, to whom he cannot respond in kind (boss at work, parents, etc.), or a frustrated need for something...

Instead of expressing their feelings openly, some people release their aggressive tension on those close to them. But it would be much better to talk with a loved one about what upsets you.

And if you cannot talk about what bothers you, then this is clearly a sign of an inharmonious relationship. This suggests that you cannot communicate openly with each other. There is no reason to be aggressive if you feel that you can calmly talk about things that bother you, confident that you will not be judged for your thoughts.

In a happy relationship, you always openly share your feelings and desires. Make it clear that the other person is not responsible for your ideas and views, but that you are nonetheless happy to have their support. If you care about each other, you will provide this support to each other, or you will come to a compromise.

Emotional blackmail, which is used in some couples, can significantly worsen the relationship. This is when, in response to any objection or refusal to fulfill a request (or even an order), your partner says: “That means you don’t love me!” or “If you loved me, you would do this...” And you have to change your behavior against your will, as a result of emotional blackmail. As a result, irritation and dissatisfaction with oneself and relationships accumulate...

The solution, as with aggression, is communication. There should be no pressure whatsoever, just open communication. It is very important for both partners in a relationship to understand that negative thoughts and feelings can always be calmly discussed with each other. There is, of course, another option. You just put up with it until one day you explode and say everything.

Remember that it's okay to get angry sometimes at someone you care about, just as it's okay to have something you don't like about that person. We are not all perfect creatures. Someone may love you very much, but there may be something about you that doesn't suit them. Partners who are able to communicate and criticize each other without judgment or emotional blackmail will benefit in the long run.

By not devoting enough time to relationships, people make a huge mistake which leads to the deterioration of the relationship. Most often, we realize this mistake only when everything starts to collapse. In fact, a relationship is like a living being, it also needs to be given time so that it can continue to exist and flourish. It's easy to let everything in life take its course, especially when you have a husband (wife), children, and work. But the relationship can be compared to an indoor flower: if you don’t water it several times, it will wither. So in relationships, if you don’t find time for each other, they will begin to deteriorate...

Try to find time every week to spend only with those you love and who love you, and at least a few minutes of communication every day...

There is nothing more valuable in a relationship than your sincere attention - your full presence even when you are at a distance from each other...

– Even if your spouse does not suit you in some way, he did not come into your life by chance. It means you needed it for something. For what? This issue requires separate consideration.

– If you want something from your spouse, give it yourself first. This concerns love, tenderness, kindness, care... If it doesn’t come back, talk to your loved one, why? And, if it turns out that he does not treat you the way you treat him (alas, this also happens), then decide whether you need it...

– Never force yourself on another person by demanding more attention than they can give. He gives it to you as much as he can and wants; he perceives the demand to give more as pressure and violence. And you get the opposite effect!

– Sometimes you can hear the erroneous statement that people don't change. On the contrary, people change throughout their lives: first they grow, then they “bloom,” they “bloom” for a while, and then they fade. Of course, we are talking about physiology here, but a person’s body, soul and mind are connected together, so physiological changes lead to mental ones. In addition, people are constantly engaged in self-development, their opinion on this or that object of reality can change by 180 degrees...

– We must remember and adequately perceive that love transforms over time. It cannot always be the same, just like a person. It can be compared to a fire: the hotter it burns during the candy-bouquet period, the faster it burns out. Therefore, it is better to add wood to this fire in a timely manner, without letting it go out completely, than to start it and then try to build a new fire on the other side. After all, that new fire will also go out someday with this approach... Each couple can come up with their own idea of ​​what kind of “wood” it will be: maybe unexpected gift, some kind of surprise, romantic dinner by candlelight, unusual sex, etc.

– A very important skill for happiness in marriage is the ability to forgive. We must admit that the other person is as imperfect as ourselves. Therefore, he can make mistakes. And you need to give him a chance to correct these mistakes, just like yourself.

– Never try to change another person. The only person on Earth whom we can change is only I. Another can change, but only by his own will, not by yours! Accept him for who he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. And then your family happiness will last for for many years life together!

Every person, regardless of his age, gender, nationality and habits, deserves to be happy. But happiness alone cannot be complete, which is why we are looking for those people with whom we could share it. But, unfortunately, starting a family does not guarantee us happiness, and often even the opposite. The art of being happy in family life comes with experience, and to obtain it sometimes you need to spend more than one decade. But there is no point in spending so much time, so it is better to adopt experience and learn from the mistakes of others. In this article we will look at 20 secrets that will help you build family happiness and not spend half your life on it.

1. In building family happiness, the most important step is unconditional acceptance of your partner, and based on this you will be disappointed. Therefore, just accept your partner for who he is and don’t try to change him. You yourself understand perfectly well that this is impossible - a person will not change until he himself wants it.

2. Good relationships in the family are the result of frequent conversations, so find time for dialogue with your other half. Often couples who have lived together for 5-10 years lose communication in their family relationships, and all their conversations come down to discussing their life together. It doesn't have to be this way if you want to be happy today and in the future.

3. Stop criticizing your partner - believe me, there are many people around who are capable of this, and only family can provide support. Don't deprive your loved one of what he needs.

4. Be sure to set common goals - without this, people very quickly lose interest in each other. Nothing brings people together like common things can do.

5. Don’t stop surprising each other - this can be done not only during the candy-bouquet period. Each of you will probably find a way to re-interest your partner and light up his eyes with surprise.

6. At the beginning of a relationship, we try to envelop our other half in romance, this gives such a euphoric feeling of happiness, a fairy tale. What prevents you from maintaining this element of the relationship for life?

7. It is very important to fairly distribute responsibilities in a family. If one of the partners feels overloaded, when the other has a lot of free time and the opportunity to relax, there can be no question of any family happiness.

8. Relationships and happiness in them must be protected and no outsiders should be allowed to interfere with this. Everything that happens between you should stay there! When third parties begin to be privy to the intricacies of relationships, this destroys trust between spouses. The only people who have the right to know what is happening between you are your children, a priest or a family psychologist.

9. Love yourself - do not devote your entire life to serving your family. In this matter, it is important to maintain a healthy balance and give as much as your partner is able to accept.

10. From the first days of construction family relations try to get ahead of each other in your desire to show concern. This is the only kind of competition allowed in a happy relationship.

11. Don't forget that sex life is also part of family relationships, so pay attention to it. If there is something wrong in the intimate life of the spouses, this is not a reason to start an affair, this is the need to discuss this issue with your other half and offer solutions.

12. Learn to ask each other for forgiveness - this will help you leave grievances and maintain a peaceful and calm atmosphere in the family. Even if you don’t feel guilty, still find the strength within yourself for reconciliation, because you strive for happiness, don’t you? And pride is a fierce enemy of happiness.

13. Remember that throughout your family life you will have to go through various periods of crisis. You can maintain happiness if you learn to recognize and help each other through these stages in a timely manner.

14. Your relationship will only develop if each of you begins to develop. The personal growth of each partner guarantees joint happiness.

15. Find time throughout your life to take a break from each other. Many young people who are passionately in love consider this the wrong step, but such a decision comes with maturity. This is normal, and even more refreshing for your relationship and feelings than being around all the time.

16. Enjoy your differences - because for harmony and happiness, you need opposites that will complement each other.

17. It is very important to learn to understand your partner and put yourself in his place. Very often, people become so focused on their grievances that they become blind and do not see what is happening in the souls of their loved ones.

18. A very important aspect of family relationships is finances - if you learn to properly distribute your earnings and master the art of financial management, you can prevent many quarrels that take away your family happiness.

19. Learn to put up with your partner’s everyday habits. If you change your attitude towards such little things as, for example, an unclosed tube of toothpaste, nothing can overshadow your relationship.

20. Never allow yourself to have protracted conflicts - they alienate your partners and deprive them of a sense of happiness. Quarre, make scandals, but make up as soon as possible - this will help you maintain happiness in your family for many years!