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What is this book about?
We constantly need something from others, be it colleagues and clients, bosses and subordinates, children and spouses. Something important often depends on whether we can achieve this - a career, for example. Or at least a vacation spent according to our wishes.
And every day we convince someone of something (some even get paid for it). And not always successfully.
How, when faced with a blank wall, break through it and achieve the desired result: get an answer, persuade you to do something or not do something...? The key to successful negotiations is the ability to listen and hear your interlocutor and the ability to understand what he expects from you. This idea, in general, is not new, but there are still very few sensible methods.
This book is written by a scientist and an experienced negotiation practitioner rolled into one. Mark Goulston, a practicing psychiatrist, tells how to develop listening skills and how to apply them not only and not so much at work, but also in everyday life.

Who is this book for?
For businessmen who need to negotiate and manage their employees every day. For their children, who need to be with their parents every evening common language.
For everyone who wants to be heard and understood and is ready to hear and understand another.

Why we decided to publish this book
Because the topic of successful negotiations is still as relevant as ever - despite the huge number of books on negotiations. And also because...

"Trick" of the book
Mark Goulston trains the FBI's best negotiators. When such a specialist shares his experience, it’s a sin not to take advantage!

9th edition.

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Perhaps after reading this book the doors of the largest companies in the world will not open to you. But we guarantee that from now on you will not have any omissions or misunderstandings with your subordinates, colleagues and boss, and your spouse and children will no longer angrily slam the door in your face after another loud quarrel.

And do you know why? You will learn not just to convince people, but to hear them and understand their fears and aspirations!

It is this skill (the ability to listen and hear) that, according to Mark Goulston, lies at the heart of successful negotiations. And he knows exactly what he’s talking about, because he has serious scientific and practical work in the field of psychiatry, as well as training FBI negotiators and top managers of companies such as IBM, Bloomberg, Federal Express and Accenture.

This is a great book for businessmen who need to negotiate and manage their employees every day. For their children, who need to find a common language with their parents every evening. For everyone who wants to be heard and understood and is ready to hear and understand another.

• Name: I can hear you right through. Effective Negotiation Techniques
• Author:
• Year:
• Publishing house: ,
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• Series: ,
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• ISBN: 978-5-91657-124-0

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Advantages
1. The techniques presented are psychologically very deep, taken from the practices of psychotherapists, coaches, and negotiators. They really work.
2. These techniques are described in very understandable language for people who do not have a psychological education and do not delve into other people's brains. A sufficient number of use cases, real phrases, and life stories help make the first steps in using the book very simple.
3. There is a lot of positivity in the book, after which you become confident that there are almost no inconvenient, problematic people - you just need to understand the motives of those around you.
4. The book is written interestingly, there is no boredom. I want to read it to the end.

Flaws:
The book is more about establishing contact and establishing good relationships than about negotiations. Negotiation is not about good relationships and empathy.

Finding a definition for the emotions you feel at each stage of a crisis is quite simple, and is part of the solution; but this is only the first step. That is why those who during a crisis limit themselves to shouting “damn it!” do not make any progress towards resolving it.
Therefore, once you find the right names for your emotions and thereby find a foothold for the human layer of the brain, you must begin a gradual ascent from panic to control. Here's how to do it:
Exercise “damn it” - “agree”
“Holy shit!” (reaction phase). Don't deny that you are upset or scared. Instead, identify and acknowledge your feelings, calling each by its proper name. If you are alone, say them out loud, as the physical act of exhaling will additionally help you calm down.
If you have the opportunity to leave for one or two minutes, be sure to do so. If this is not possible, under no circumstances talk to anyone during the first seconds. You need to be completely focused on acknowledging and identifying your feelings. If you have the opportunity to close your eyes for at least a minute, do so.
"My God!" (unblocking phase). Once you acknowledge your powerful emotions, begin to breathe slowly and deeply through your nose, closing your eyes, until the emotions subside. Once you have released your emotions, continue to breathe and relax. This will allow you to begin to restore your inner balance.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the VegasLex law firm.

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the Speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer“I came, I saw, I convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded to almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

When I hear this, I respond: “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall.” Find that “stone”—what a person really needs from you—and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and connect with people in ways you never dreamed possible before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win over anyone: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage takers, because he always finds the “soft spot.” Mark is a true genius at communicating with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey listens when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

And by the way, don’t focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. He is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Bring him to an office where everyone is fighting with everyone else, or to a sales department that can't get customers' attention, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, funny, kind and captivating, and his stories - from uninvited Sunday guests to speeches by high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using your new skills to turn impossible, unsociable, stubborn people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one
Secrets of Persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to convincing other people to take part in their plans, achieve their goals and fulfill their desires. But in reality, convincing people is not magic. It's an art... and a science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get involved in working on them.

Paul Hawken. "Natural Capitalism"

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work—a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child or embittered “ex”.

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleas, anger, but every time you seemed to hit a wall. You get confused, scared or frustrated and think, “What’s going to happen next?”

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't break free. You are captured - by resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and by your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I ordinary person– husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered that I had a special talent. You can throw me into any situation and I can convince people. I can convince tough managers and angry employees that they must work together to solve problems. I can get attention from crumbling families and couples who have reached the point of hating each other. I can even change the intentions of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of committing suicide.

I wasn't sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it was working. I knew that I was no smarter than others, but I recognized that this success was not just luck: my approach had always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. There was only one thing I didn’t understand: why does it work?

By analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine driving your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But just lower the gear and you get full control. It’s as if you’re drawing the road towards you.

Most people shift into high gear when trying to convince others. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get exactly the opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you hear. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn in this book can shift people's opinions from "no" to "yes" easily and quickly, often in a matter of minutes. I use these techniques every day - to help married couples, on the brink of divorce, companies on the verge of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and sales managers to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators achieve the most successful hostage rescues. difficult situations, When we're talking about about life and death.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to how to communicate with people who won't listen to you. That's why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him as he holds the barrel of a shotgun to his throat. Special forces and a team of negotiators have already been called. The special forces arrive and position themselves behind the cars, trying to stay out of Frank's sight.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to clients and colleagues and even screamed. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break from the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of ​​the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

- Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk to you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in reality you do.

– What do you know about this shit?! You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! – Frank exclaims.

“I can’t do that,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun to your throat, and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.”

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! – Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that last for several minutes. As information about Frank becomes available, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The SWAT team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. However, the situation is quite complex and the chances of success are low.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He took the negotiation training I teach for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been briefed on the basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

“I'm asking you to tell this guy, 'I'm sure you think no one but you knows what it's like when you've tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don't you?'

– What can I say? – asks Evans.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it: “I’m sure you think no one but you knows what it’s like when you’ve tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don’t you?”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he answers with a question:

– What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

– Yes, you’re right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer turns to Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the next question: “I’m sure you feel like no one knows what it’s like to start each day with the thought that everything will again go wrong for you.” I would like to, right?”

- Yes, the same thing happens every damn day! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he just heard and get additional confirmation:

“And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going the way you would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with the desire to stop all this, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time everything was okay in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after his dismissal.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see... Tell me more...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, prompted by Kramer, Evans says:

– And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or have you lost hope? Tell me exactly what you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to find the word that best describes his feelings.

“I’m tired of everything,” Frank finally says.

– So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? – Evans clarifies.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from completely refusing to communicate to being willing to listen and talk. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call “pulling in.” The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to understanding what was said.

What made Frank start listening and being drawn into Lieutenant Evans' words? Surely this shift was not accidental? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but didn't say out loud. And when the lieutenant’s words became consonant with Frank’s thoughts, he became involved in the conversation and began to say “yes.”

The Persuasion Cycle

You may never have to find yourself in the situations that police and SWAT negotiators face. But don’t you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is: almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they have done before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince them that you are the most suitable candidate for the job or promotion.

This is precisely the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy and often feel like they can't get things done. To overcome stress and feelings of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and reasons, or resort to arguments, or encouragement, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and more often than not you fail. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you cannot understand why this is happening. Think about how many times you've walked away from a failed customer, an office meeting, or a friend you had an argument with, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "Damn, what happened?"

Good news: you can connect with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques I describe in this book work for negotiators in emergency situations, but they also apply to your conversations with a boss, a colleague, a client, a spouse, or even a child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they go to the very core of successful communications, what I call cycle of persuasion(see Fig. 1.1). I was inspired to create the persuasion cycle by the ideas of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnick Motivational interviewing.

Rice. 1.1. The Persuasion Cycle

The process of persuasion takes place in stages. To take people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that pushes them forward.

– from resistance to listening

– from listening to thinking

– from thinking to wanting to do

– from desire to do to action

- from action to a feeling of joy from what was done and to continuation of the action.

The focus is the main message and purpose of this book: “the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone”, that you convince people by getting them to “buy”, which happens when a person moves from resisting to listening to what you speak.

What's particularly interesting and important is that the key to "buying" and moving people further through the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you get them to tell you, and what happens in their minds during this process .

In the following chapters I will give nine basic rules and twelve fast technicians, which you can use to move through the persuasion cycle. Gain experience in using them, and then you will be able to combine them so that they begin to work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts I teach to FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and “buy” a desired solution. Once you learn them, you no longer have to be held hostage by fear, anger, indifference, or the hidden agendas of other people. You will have all the tools at your disposal to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book you will find many options for action in any situation. This is explained by the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how identical we behave in a given situation, each of us has our own view and our own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will talk about in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they suit your personality type and lifestyle.

The secret: easy to convince

There is nothing magical about the approaches discussed in these pages. One of the secrets you are about to discover is that persuading people is much easier than it seems. To illustrate this, I will share with you the story of David, a CEO who, using my techniques, completely turned his career around and saved his family at the same time.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate with. His management style can be called dictatorial. His service technician quit, saying that he really liked the company, but he couldn’t work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such conditions the company's employees were working below their capabilities. Investors considered David rude and arrogant, and he had difficulty finding funds to develop the company.

I was invited by the board of directors to see if the situation could be changed. After meeting David I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we started talking about management style, I suddenly asked:

– Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“Funny you should ask that,” he chuckled.

- Why? – I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything with him, although I've tried everything. The grades in the diary are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but... I'm disappointed in him. He and I saw a psychologist, who said that he had some problems concentrating. The teachers tried to help him, but he did nothing that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just don't know what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We agreed to meet a week later, but three days later I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. There is a conversation."

I thought, “Oh my God, what happened?” – I called back and heard an excited voice.

“Doctor,” said David, “I think you saved my life.”

- What's happened? – I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me,” he replied.

– Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you...

“No, I’m not talking about them,” David interrupted me, “I haven’t talked to them yet.” It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think none of us know what it's like to be told you're smart but can't use your smarts to get results. So?". And tears appeared in his eyes - exactly as you said. “I asked him the following question, one of those you suggested,” David continued. “I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart, so that no one around you expects good results from you, doesn’t push you, doesn’t demand that you try, right?” He began to cry... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: “Are you worried about all this?”

David continued almost in a whisper:

“The son could hardly speak. He said it was getting worse and worse and he didn't know how much longer he could take it. And that he disappoints and lets everyone down all the time.

When David said this, he himself was no longer hiding his tears. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?” - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that had tormented him for many years. “Because you didn’t want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

“I had no right to leave him at such a moment.” I said, “We have to fix this. I will move my laptop to your room and be with you when you do your homework. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so bad.” We spent a few evenings together and I think things started to change. – David fell silent for a while. – You helped me “pull out the bullet”, doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I replied.

- That is?

“You gave your son a chance to let off steam,” I continued. “And when you did that, he told you what the problem was, and you did a great job.” But there are many other people, from the board to the management team, who see you in exactly the same way as your son saw you, and they too need to let off steam and tell them how you are wrong with them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and one with the management team. He told each group approximately the same thing. And both groups tensed up and prepared for another verbal flogging, when at first David decisively announced that he had called everyone together to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued by saying: “I am very upset that I lashed out at everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it.”

David told his colleagues and partners about his son and concluded his speech with these words: “I ask you to give me another chance because I think this situation can be improved. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas.”

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What's the moral of this story? The fact is that the right, necessary words have enormous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories told in this chapter and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve very different goals. Kramer kept the man from committing suicide, and David not only avoided being fired and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved his family. The beauty of these techniques, and the ones you will learn, is that they can be applied to almost anyone and any situation.

Why is one single set of communication tools so universal? Because although we are all different (and our problems are also different), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter we will see how our minds “buy” or “refuse to buy” and why communicating with an uncommunicative person depends on talking to his brain.

CEO (eng. chief executive officer) – the highest official of the company (general director, chairman of the board, manager). Determines the overall strategy of the enterprise, makes decisions on top level, performs representative duties. Note ed.

CTO (English: chief technical officer, or chief technology officer, “technical director”) is a leadership position in Western companies, corresponding to the Russian “chief engineer”. One of the leaders of the corporation, responsible for its development and development of new products; The CTO is usually in charge of the entire technological part of production. Note ed.

Current page: 1 (book has 18 pages total) [available reading passage: 4 pages]

Mark Goulston

I can hear you right through. Effective Negotiation Techniques

...

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the VegasLex law firm.

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the Speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer“I came, I saw, I convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded to almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

When I hear this, I respond: “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall.” Find that “stone”—what a person really needs from you—and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and connect with people in ways you never dreamed possible before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win over anyone: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage takers, because he always finds the “soft spot.” Mark is a true genius at communicating with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey listens when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

And by the way, don’t focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. He is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Bring him to an office where everyone is fighting with everyone else, or to a sales department that can't get customers' attention, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, funny, kind and captivating, and his stories - from uninvited Sunday guests to speeches by high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using your new skills to turn impossible, unsociable, stubborn people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

...

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to convincing other people to take part in their plans, achieve their goals and fulfill their desires. But in reality, convincing people is not magic. It's an art... and a science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get involved in working on them.

Paul Hawken. "Natural Capitalism"

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work—a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child or embittered “ex”.

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleas, anger, but every time you seemed to hit a wall. You get confused, scared or frustrated and think, “What’s going to happen next?”

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't break free. You are captured - by resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and by your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered that I had a special talent. You can throw me into any situation and I can convince people. I can convince tough managers and angry employees that they must work together to solve problems. I can get attention from crumbling families and couples who have reached the point of hating each other. I can even change the intentions of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of committing suicide.

I wasn't sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it was working. I knew that I was no smarter than others, but I recognized that this success was not just luck: my approach had always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. There was only one thing I didn’t understand: why does it work?

By analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine driving your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But just lower the gear and you get full control. It’s as if you’re drawing the road towards you.

Most people shift into high gear when trying to convince others. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get exactly the opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you hear. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn in this book can shift people's opinions from "no" to "yes" easily and quickly, often in a matter of minutes. I use these techniques every day—to help couples on the verge of divorce, companies on the verge of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and sales managers to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the most challenging life-or-death situations.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to how to communicate with people who won't listen to you. That's why the book begins with Frank's story.

...

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him as he holds the barrel of a shotgun to his throat. Special forces and a team of negotiators have already been called. The special forces arrive and position themselves behind the cars, trying to stay out of Frank's sight.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to clients and colleagues and even screamed. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break from the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of ​​the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

- Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk to you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in reality you do.

– What do you know about this shit?! You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! – Frank exclaims.

“I can’t do that,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun to your throat, and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.”

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! – Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that last for several minutes. As information about Frank becomes available, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The SWAT team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. However, the situation is quite complex and the chances of success are low.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He took the negotiation training I teach for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been briefed on the basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

“I'm asking you to tell this guy, 'I'm sure you think no one but you knows what it's like when you've tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don't you?'

– What can I say? – asks Evans.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it: “I’m sure you think no one but you knows what it’s like when you’ve tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don’t you?”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he answers with a question:

– What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

– Yes, you’re right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer turns to Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the next question: “I’m sure you feel like no one knows what it’s like to start each day with the thought that everything will again go wrong for you.” I would like to, right?”

- Yes, the same thing happens every damn day! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he just heard and get additional confirmation:

“And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going the way you would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with the desire to stop all this, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time everything was okay in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after his dismissal.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see... Tell me more...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, prompted by Kramer, Evans says:

– And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or have you lost hope? Tell me exactly what you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to find the word that best describes his feelings.

“I’m tired of everything,” Frank finally says.

– So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? – Evans clarifies.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from completely refusing to communicate to being willing to listen and talk. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call “pulling in.” The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to understanding what was said.

What made Frank start listening and being drawn into Lieutenant Evans' words? Surely this shift was not accidental? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but didn't say out loud. And when the lieutenant’s words became consonant with Frank’s thoughts, he became involved in the conversation and began to say “yes.”

The Persuasion Cycle

You may never have to find yourself in the situations that police and SWAT negotiators face. But don’t you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is: almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they have done before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince them that you are the most suitable candidate for the job or promotion.

This is precisely the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy and often feel like they can't get things done. To overcome stress and feelings of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and reasons, or resort to arguments, or encouragement, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and more often than not you fail. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you cannot understand why this is happening. Think about how many times you've walked away from a failed customer, an office meeting, or a friend you had an argument with, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "Damn, what happened?"

Good news: you can connect with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques I describe in this book work for negotiators in emergency situations, but they also apply to your conversations with a boss, a colleague, a client, a spouse, or even a child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they go to the very core of successful communications, what I call cycle of persuasion(see Fig. 1.1). I was inspired to create the persuasion cycle by the ideas of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnick Motivational interviewing.

Rice. 1.1. The Persuasion Cycle

The process of persuasion takes place in stages. To take people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that pushes them forward.

– from resistance to listening

– from listening to thinking

– from thinking to wanting to do

– from desire to do to action

- from action to a feeling of joy from what was done and to continuation of the action.

The focus is the main message and purpose of this book: “the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone”, that you convince people by getting them to “buy”, which happens when a person moves from resisting to listening to what you speak.

What's particularly interesting and important is that the key to "buying" and moving people further through the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you get them to tell you, and what happens in their minds during this process .

In the following chapters, I will provide nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques that you can use to move through the cycle of persuasion. Gain experience in using them, and then you will be able to combine them so that they begin to work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts I teach to FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and “buy” a desired solution. Once you learn them, you no longer have to be held hostage by fear, anger, indifference, or the hidden agendas of other people. You will have all the tools at your disposal to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book you will find many options for action in any situation. This is explained by the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how identical we behave in a given situation, each of us has our own view and our own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will talk about in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they suit your personality type and lifestyle.

The secret: easy to convince

There is nothing magical about the approaches discussed in these pages. One of the secrets you are about to discover is that persuading people is much easier than it seems. To illustrate this, I will share with you the story of David, a CEO who, using my techniques, completely turned his career around and saved his family at the same time.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate with. His management style can be called dictatorial. His service technician quit, saying that he really liked the company, but he couldn’t work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such conditions the company's employees were working below their capabilities. Investors considered David rude and arrogant, and he had difficulty finding funds to develop the company.

...

I was invited by the board of directors to see if the situation could be changed. After meeting David I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we started talking about management style, I suddenly asked:

– Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“Funny you should ask that,” he chuckled.

- Why? – I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything with him, although I've tried everything. The grades in the diary are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but... I'm disappointed in him. He and I saw a psychologist, who said that he had some problems concentrating. The teachers tried to help him, but he did nothing that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just don't know what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We agreed to meet a week later, but three days later I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. There is a conversation."

I thought, “Oh my God, what happened?” – I called back and heard an excited voice.

“Doctor,” said David, “I think you saved my life.”

- What's happened? – I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me,” he replied.

– Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you...

“No, I’m not talking about them,” David interrupted me, “I haven’t talked to them yet.” It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think none of us know what it's like to be told you're smart but can't use your smarts to get results. So?". And tears appeared in his eyes - exactly as you said. “I asked him the following question, one of those you suggested,” David continued. “I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart, so that no one around you expects good results from you, doesn’t push you, doesn’t demand that you try, right?” He began to cry... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: “Are you worried about all this?”

David continued almost in a whisper:

“The son could hardly speak. He said it was getting worse and worse and he didn't know how much longer he could take it. And that he disappoints and lets everyone down all the time.

When David said this, he himself was no longer hiding his tears. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?” - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that had tormented him for many years. “Because you didn’t want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

“I had no right to leave him at such a moment.” I said, “We have to fix this. I will move my laptop to your room and be with you when you do your homework. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so bad.” We spent a few evenings together and I think things started to change. – David fell silent for a while. – You helped me “pull out the bullet”, doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I replied.

- That is?

“You gave your son a chance to let off steam,” I continued. “And when you did that, he told you what the problem was, and you did a great job.” But there are many other people, from the board to the management team, who see you in exactly the same way as your son saw you, and they too need to let off steam and tell them how you are wrong with them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and one with the management team. He told each group approximately the same thing. And both groups tensed up and prepared for another verbal flogging, when at first David decisively announced that he had called everyone together to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued by saying: “I am very upset that I lashed out at everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it.”

David told his colleagues and partners about his son and concluded his speech with these words: “I ask you to give me another chance because I think this situation can be improved. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas.”

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What's the moral of this story? The fact is that the right, necessary words have enormous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories told in this chapter and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve very different goals. Kramer kept the man from committing suicide, and David not only avoided being fired and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved his family. The beauty of these techniques, and the ones you will learn, is that they can be applied to almost anyone and any situation.

Why is one single set of communication tools so universal? Because although we are all different (and our problems are also different), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter we will see how our minds “buy” or “refuse to buy” and why communicating with an uncommunicative person depends on talking to his brain.

We constantly need something from others, be it colleagues and clients, bosses and subordinates, children and spouses. Something important often depends on whether we can achieve this - a career, for example. Or at least a vacation spent according to our wishes.

And every day we convince someone of something (some even get paid for it). And not always successfully.

How, when faced with a blank wall, break through it and achieve the desired result: get an answer, persuade you to do something or not do something...? The key to successful negotiations is the ability to listen and hear your interlocutor and the ability to understand what he expects from you. This idea, in general, is not new, but there are still very few sensible methods.

This book is written by a scientist and an experienced negotiation practitioner rolled into one. Mark Goulston, a practicing psychiatrist, tells how to develop listening skills and how to apply them not only and not so much at work, but also in everyday life.

Who is this book for?

For businessmen who need to negotiate and manage their employees every day.
For their children, who need to find a common language with their parents every evening.
For everyone who wants to be heard and understood and is ready to hear and understand another.

Why we decided to publish this book

Because the topic of successful negotiations is still as relevant as ever - despite the huge number of books on negotiations. And also because...

"Trick" of the book

Mark Goulston trains the FBI's best negotiators. When such a specialist shares his experience, it’s a sin not to take advantage!

There are people in your life right now that you need to convince. If you don't succeed, it drives you crazy. Maybe it's someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or your boss. Maybe it's someone at home: a partner, a parent, a child, or a bitter ex.

You've tried everything - logic, persuasion, strength, pleading, anger - but every time you seem to hit a wall. You are losing your head, you are scared, or you are frustrated. And you think: “What will happen next?”

I'd like you to think of the situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you cannot free yourself. You are captured - by resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness, or the needs of another person - as well as by your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

In the chapters of this book, I will provide nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques that you can use to move people through the Persuasion Cycle. Gain experience using them and you can put them together to work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts that I teach to FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and "buy" a desired solution. Once you learn them, you will never have to be held hostage by fear, anger, indifference, or the hidden agendas of other people. You will have all the tools to turn any situation in your favor.

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