I'm my sister Lida
I won't offend anyone!
I live with her very friendly,
I love her very much.
And when I need it,
I'll beat her myself.
(A. Barto)

Everyone, especially parents, would like the relationships between brothers and sisters, such close blood relatives, to be based on love and mutual respect (how could it be otherwise, after all, people are related to each other, one blood, one family!), but this is not always the case .

Hatred, anger, resentment, and envy are frequent companions in relationships between brothers and sisters. Why does this happen and what should parents do to ensure that their children do not grow up to be fierce enemies of each other?

Native people, strangers

Let's start, perhaps, with an analysis of the reasons for poor relationships between brothers and sisters. I will list the most popular: there is a black mark in the family, such children are born that the world does not accept them, parents are to blame, they do not love all children equally, they burden the older ones, spoil the younger ones, which leads to envy, jealousy, aggression between them, modern society is conflict-ridden , evil, teaching that everyone is for himself, that any means are good to achieve the goal, you can neglect family relationships, don’t care about your brother or sister - to live with wolves, howl like a wolf, as you know.

Finding those responsible for negative relationships between brothers and sisters (themselves, the family, society?) will not give us anything useful; we need to look deeper, look for the cause, and not make unnecessary fuss about the consequences.

System-vector psychology defines the main reason as parents’ lack of understanding of the natural characteristics of their children, the fact that each child is unique from birth and endowed with his own vector set, his own temperament.

Everything else follows from this global misunderstanding: an attempt to raise all children in the same way, using the same educational methods, to raise children based on their childhood memories, their idea of ​​what is proper and normal, about the right goals and dreams in life.

Example

Let's say one girl was the youngest in the family and she received cast-offs from her older sister, including shoes, clothes, school supplies, while in her mental properties she is a skin-visual girl, for whom the material component is significant, for whom it is important to have her own, to look everything is "one hundred percent". Of course, she felt envy of her sister, for whom her parents bought new clothes, and hatred of her parents, who ignored her interests.

And so the girl grew up, grew up with a clear conviction that children should be had only if they are financially well-off - there is no point in creating poverty and no rags for younger children. She married successfully and gave birth to two children. I didn’t forget about my childhood experience, I remembered it. She wanted her children to love her, and not feel hostility and a desire to change parents.

The children had plenty of everything - separate rooms, lots of beautiful, fashionable things. Only bad luck - the youngest daughter had an anal vector, she did not expect fancy gifts from her mother, she wanted simple human warmth and affection, praise, kind words. Mom had no time to waste time on “all sorts of nonsense”, time is money, besides, she provided the main thing for her daughter’s happiness, live and be happy. In her opinion, based on her childhood experience.

The daughter, being different in internal properties from her mother, carried out from childhood a bitter resentment against her mother and at the same time against her older brother - they do not love, do not appreciate, do not support, do not understand. Thus, the relationship between brother and sister goes back to the previous generation.

Aspen trees give birth to oranges and apples

It should be especially emphasized that children from the same family are not only not a reflection of their parents, but also not a reflection of each other. Vectors are not inherited and are not the same among brothers and sisters, even among twins. Common parents, the same social environment of development and upbringing, but completely different results precisely because common genes do not at all have the same mental properties.

Accordingly, each child needs to have his own, individual approach, so that he receives what he needs to develop the vectors given to him from birth in basic properties.

The better the brothers and sisters are developed and find use for their talents in society, the more the relationship between brothers and sisters will be harmonious, and no one will fill their mental deficiencies at the expense of the other.

For example, an anal child, receiving the maternal love he requires, and correct upbringing, will not sadistize (call names, beat) his brothers and sisters.

Those negative feelings that a child does not openly show towards his parents (for the time being), he may well demonstrate towards his brother or sister. The child feels dependent on his parents, but not on his brother or sister. There are no significant obstacles to dumping accumulated negativity on a nearby family member.

Thus, the poor condition of one child in the family due to improper upbringing (without taking into account the child’s vectors), as a rule, painfully affects the other.

Children are not angels

The life of children in the same family does not oblige them to mutual love; together with their mother’s milk they do not absorb love for their brothers and sisters. They are not born angels in the flesh, they are born “little animals”, not burdened by moral norms, who just have to grow up and become real people. The relationship between brothers and sisters is not an innate property, but acquired in the process of living together.

Parents need to educate and educate again, and to educate the child correctly, so that the animal hostility towards their own kind, with whom they will have to share shelter and much more, with whom they will have to spend part of their life together, disappears and love and mutual respect appear.

And it's not about the age difference between the children. Yes, each age solves different problems and at each age the child perceives what is happening around him differently. Yes, the parents’ workload depends on the age difference between the children. But how children get along with each other directly depends on their upbringing, on how developed and realized they are.

Resume

So, the first thing parents need to do in order to improve the relationship between brothers and sisters is to understand the internal characteristics of each of their children. Then it will become clear why they behave this way and not otherwise. Why are children with the skin vector prone to envy, competition, want to be first in everything, why is it so important for anal children that everything is equal, fair and just, why does a urethral child not understand the word “no”, why do children fight and swear, and so on...

Secondly, it would be nice for parents to understand themselves and clearly understand: what the child needs for development, and what they themselves need. Do not use children to “work on the mistakes” of your own life. Parents should not transfer their experiences from childhood to their children. You can go wrong by not recognizing their innate inclinations and not providing them with what they really need for full development.

Remember: you are you, a child is a child, another child is not you and not the first child. Everyone is an individual, everyone has their own path to happiness.

The age difference between children, the financial situation of the family, the level of education of the parents does not have a prevailing importance in what kind of relationship will develop between brothers and sisters - what is important is how they were raised and developed by their parents.

A family unites people of different ages, abilities, and types of temperament into a single system thanks to consanguinity and the management of a common household, but these two factors are not enough to create harmonious relationships within the family. We need more - understanding each other. Parents need to create conditions for the development of children according to their true needs. Raise correctly.

“There's a lot of fiction in our ideas about family life,” says psychotherapist Jean Safer, author of Cain's Legacy, a book about sibling relationships. - We are sure that “blood is thicker than water”, that your family will be with you, even when others turn their backs on you... Sometimes this is really true, but not everyone is lucky. It’s amazing how little people talk about it.”

Problems in sibling relationships are usually attributed to personal animosity between family members or other similar reasons. Of course, these factors play a role, but the main reason is deeper: it has to do with childhood, with the way your parents treated you.

The relationships of parents with their brothers and sisters undoubtedly affect the relationships between children in the family. When raising children, adults may subconsciously try to correct the problems of their own childhood.

“One of my cousins ​​is much younger than her sister, and the mother decided that a small child should not bother a teenager,” Safer says. “That’s why a lock was inserted into the door to the eldest daughter’s room so that the younger daughter couldn’t go inside without permission. The eldest now picked up toys and locked herself in the room. How did this happen?

The girls' mother was the eldest child in the family, and her younger sister was allowed everything. And what did the older sister do when she became an adult? She tried to put her life back together. As a result, my cousins ​​don’t talk to each other anymore.”

Sibling relationships always start out as rivalry, with deeper sibling feelings coming later.

Fortunately, not all conflicts between siblings end so sadly. To understand why some have completely broken off relationships while others live quietly together in the same room, it is necessary to realize that sibling relationships always begin as rivalry, and deeper family feelings come later.

“It all depends on what parents do: they can acknowledge the fact of competition and work with it, or, conversely, they can subtly encourage confrontation or deny the problem at all,” Safer explains. “Parents are responsible for maintaining love and peace in the family, and if they do not do this, problems between children are inevitable.”

You can try to solve these problems as an adult. Here are seven recommendations from a therapist to help you do just that.

1. Be prepared for difficulties

“Reconciliation is hard work,” Safer says. Ask yourself: do you really want to change the relationship or are you just doing it out of a sense of duty? You need good enough reasons to go through this difficult path. “There will be a lot of failed attempts, a lot of misunderstandings, and all this can last for years,” she warns.

Accept that your brother or sister sees things from their own perspective. “If you were the favorite in the family and your brother or sister is still angry about it, admit that you got more than he did,” says Safer. Sometimes even a simple admission of a fact can change something dramatically.

If you were not the favorite, think about why this happened. Is it your brother or sister's fault that they were loved more? Or did parents play a role here?

3. Don't make excuses

“People make all kinds of excuses not to do what they're afraid of,” Safer says. Think, perhaps you are just afraid to take the first step? And don’t be ashamed of this fear, it is quite natural, because the refusal of such an important person for you can be quite painful. If in the end you manage to get closer, that’s great; if not, you won’t lose anything.

4. Forget Facebook

Instead of trying to repair your relationship by occasionally commenting on Facebook photos, be bolder in what you want. "People will respond better if you simply say, 'I want to fix this!' Says Safer. Be more open and sincere!

5. You don't have to become best friends.

Let's face it: is it possible for you to become friends forever if you only spoke once in the entire last year? Try to first turn your mutual hostility into a neutral relationship.

6. Don't lose hope

Your attempt at reconciliation may seem doomed from the start, but change is possible. “I think that's one of the important things in life is to look at the past and change something,” says Safer. Some people are already over 50 when their life circumstances change (for example, their parents may get sick) and suddenly relationships between siblings improve. “Sometimes crisis situations change life for the better,” Safer is sure.

7. If it doesn't work out, just accept the fact.

Life brings people together, but it can also separate them. “My husband and his brother cared for my elderly father together, but this interaction completely killed the hope of repairing the relationship,” says Safer. In her opinion, some relationships are so damaged that they simply cannot be restored. The only thing you can do is try to understand your brother or sister and transform the feeling of hatred into something less destructive.

What is your relationship like?

Even siblings who communicate freely may feel like strangers to each other. Where are you on the Jean Safer scale?

Crack in the armor
Of course, you had problems, but something brought you closer: growing up together or the death of one of your parents. There is more and more warmth between you, and you can well imagine a future where you enjoy each other's company.

Through an intermediary
You would like to get closer, but you are afraid to broach the topic of your difficult relationship. You can find an approach to each other through an intermediary, usually a child. If your child is spending time with your sister's child, having a common topic of conversation will help you get back together.

Cold politeness
You talk on the phone or email from time to time, but you're not entirely comfortable in each other's company and there's a distinct lack of warmth in your relationship. Even if you would like to have a closer relationship, neither of you makes an attempt to create one. Is your pride getting in your way? Or are you afraid of being rejected?

Portraying relationships
The most common type of estrangement: You send each other birthday cards, but you don't know what to say when you meet in person. You know almost nothing about each other's lives and are not very eager to find out anything.

Weddings and funerals
You only meet at family functions or funerals and try not to be alone. During such meetings, your relationship is strained at best, hostile at worst.

Absolutely strangers
You have forever erased your brothers and/or sisters from your memory. You don't want to meet them, and if you are warned that they will be at a family function, you will not go there on purpose.

I’m not sure if there is such an official term in psychology - “big sister syndrome”, but I have been encountering this phenomenon regularly for more than 20 years.

Meet your little sister

It all begins as if in a fog: you are not old enough, and suddenly a cocoon of blankets and diapers is brought into the house, in the center of which nests something small, pink and defenseless. In general, vague childhood memories are concentrated in a photograph where she, a little pie who has only recently learned to smile meaningfully, sits on a children’s chair in a touchingly tiny suit.

Then it happens that you study in the same school, with a difference of 4, or 6, or 8 years - it’s not so important. Most likely, you will have common teachers. Surely they will compare you. It’s strange, but the fact is - most often - not in her favor. Sooner or later she will come home and express how annoying this is to her. Not in the kindest terms.

Then you start finals and entrance exams, adult life, parents once a month for the weekend, and she suddenly stops being little. She no longer needs pink bunnies for the Christmas tree, she wants mascara and a new dress, and she, for example, already has some kind of personal life. But for you, she is still small and defenseless, and you remember how she came on the eve of March 8th in her 7th grade and cried angrily because a particular boy did not invite her to dance. And you will remember her like this too.

And then she will grow up completely, well, that is, after going through studies, sessions, smoking around the corner and thoughts about work, she suddenly announces that she is getting married. Or that she will have a child from someone unknown. Or that she is going to Africa to save elephants. Or that yesterday she set fire to her rented apartment. I’m not fantasizing - all these stories actually happened to the younger sisters of my friends. And it's at this moment that you realize that you are not only new to this person, but you are seeing him for the first time in your life. And the gentle blue-eyed angel was some kind of imaginary sister, the fruit of your personal fantasies.

Alena, 27, older sister:

"The degree of, how to put it mildly, the oddities of the younger ones depends on many factors. Firstly, what is the family hierarchy, that is, who exactly is the authority in the tender adolescence. If elders live contrary to their parents’ views on life, and they, as a rule, do so, then there is a tendency to stupidly copy the behavior and way of thinking and living of their older brothers and sisters. Accordingly, the younger ones copy, but their own experience does not coincide with that conveyed by the elders, and a second breakdown occurs, which many younger ones cannot withstand and become individuals with an incomplete, torn idea of ​​life. What the elders talked about is not always found in nature, and they switch to more brutal options.

Secondly, the elders remove themselves at a certain stage from the lives of the younger ones, leaving them to be devoured by their parents. This only strengthens the desire of the younger ones to also become “big”, and the results are unpredictable: early ill-considered marriages, moving to distant places, or at least to study, conversion to other religions, etc. are typical. But since the time has not come, and you just want to be big, all these enterprises often end very badly".

But you are sisters!

The lot of older sisters is quite harsh, I tell you. They don’t have time to really be the only child in the family, they have a younger one, on whom a considerable share of the parent’s is spent. In addition, it becomes quite problematic to just chase around the yard and “twist the cats’ tails,” because somewhere in the sandbox there is a baby sitting, and the mother has gone to get milk. Ultimately, some strange overprotection syndrome develops, which occurs at a rather immature age, and then the situation only gets worse. The path of older sisters is humility and fasting, because in response to any indignation at any age, the response is: “Well, you’re older, you should be smarter.” And polished with the classic: “You are sisters!”

In addition, at a certain stage, parents like (not all, but many) to involve the elder in the educational process. Explain, they say, why it is so important to study well, or why you shouldn’t cry over Seryozha from the senior class. Gradually, such educational studies form from the younger one an infantile monster, unable to make a single sensible decision on her own, and from the older one - a neurotic woman who will constantly try to straighten the younger one’s brains, following her personal ideas about beauty. “We’re sisters,” otherwise!

Elena, 34, older sister:

“My younger sister lived in the discourse of the cult of her elder sister - photographs arranged in frames on the piano (we both studied at a music school), common teachers who remembered my exploits at the Olympiads; caring parents who said every day: " Look at Lena, what about you?".

My socialization was healthy - I was conditionally raised to live in society, society was my counterparty. And my sister’s upbringing was aimed at adapting to my sister’s world. Therefore, my model of behavior is the position of an adult who is focused on finding compromises and constructive solutions for better survival in society. And her focus is not society, that’s why the behavior remains the behavior of a child. And everyone who tries to talk from the position of a child or parent receives a powerful return. My solution: the absence of any destructive criticism and kindness, caring or something - as much as I can show it”.

What should I do?

Obviously, there is no specific culprit or culprits in any given relationship between the sisters. In the end, having become adults, they are quite able to discuss everything and understand the intricacies of their family relationships, but unfortunately, often all this still slides into some kind of childish grievances and reproaches. Including because of the infantilism of one and the hyper-responsibility of the other, which do not disappear anywhere, and in especially advanced cases only intensify.

Arseniy Volodko - psychologist, psychotherapist, HR consultant, author of a blog about psychology, psychotherapy and relationships adnosiny.by :

"In fact, there are differences in children's relationships due to age differences. The smaller the age difference, the more competition there will be between sisters.. Conventionally, the “ideal” difference in the age of children is 5-7 years, and a difference of 3 years will be more “problematic”. Why? The answers to this question will be developmental psychology and the characteristics of personality formation at 3 and 5 years old.

There is no doubt that the “big sister” effect will be present throughout life and manifest itself in many areas. This is largely facilitated by parents who believe that by shifting some of the responsibility and worries, they thus help foster independence in the older child.

Is there the difference between the relationship between sisters and brothers? Without a doubt! Competition in men, and we are talking about competition, manifests itself in aggressive forms of behavior. Simply put, boys can hit each other. Women's competition is not so open, it is more cunning, and is often indirect.

Someone may disagree: why should children compete, they are loved equally? This is, to put it mildly, not true. Children have something to compete for in their family: for love, affection, recognition, praise from their parents, attention, respect, affection, and, ultimately, for financial resources. One should not discount the context in which children appeared: they appear at different periods in the life of the family and parents, sometimes even different motives for the appearance of these children. All this bears its imprint on the attitude towards the child. The child in this case is part of the family system and bears the imprint of the parental relationship. In the worst situations, there are children on whom their parents (or a parent) pin their hopes for preserving the marriage. Often such children have serious health problems. All this information is hidden under a thick layer of dust and protected by family secrets and omissions, until one day a person decides to consult a psychologist and sort out his family relationships. Protracted and not very obvious conflicts between sisters (or brothers) become especially acute after the death of their parents, revealing all the hidden contradictions and problems.

But what can be done? Well, firstly, you need to realize that in fact there is no longer an older and younger sister, but There are two adult women who are connected by family relationships. Secondly, learn to talk from the position of an adult and an equal (and both). Thirdly, it’s really worth talking through all your childhood grievances and talking about your experiences and feelings at that moment. And the other side should not make excuses for their behavior, but talk about their then motives and their current feelings in relation to what they heard. It sounds simple, but it’s more difficult to implement this in life without slipping into the usual forms of competition and without taking revenge for past grievances.

In the end, people must understand that after the death of their parents, their sister (or brother) remains the only close person in this world".

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7 chosen

I have two sisters. And there are no people in the world with whom it would be more difficult for me. But there are no people in the world with whom it would be easier for me. The relationship between sisters is a special world where they see right through you, where you don’t have to finish a sentence to be understood. You can not communicate with them for several months, and still they will never let you feel lonely. And for some reason, it is precisely these closest people who become their worst enemies for some. Tomorrow will be celebrated International Family Day. In honor of this, let's think about why this happens. And in general, let's talk about brothers and sisters. So close. And so complex.

History tells us that, to put it mildly, difficult relationships often arise between brothers and sisters: both biblical, and ancient, and ancient Russian. Tomorrow, for example, according to the Orthodox calendar, is the day of remembrance of the first Russian saints - princes Boris and Gleb, killed by his half-brother. But no matter how often in history there were internecine wars between close relatives, the murder of a brother was always considered the worst sin.

There are a lot of strange things about sibling relationships today. They can have terrible conflicts with each other, but they will never hurt each other. There is even a paradoxical principle: only I can offend you. Therefore, in my opinion, common enemies at school and in the yard sometimes unite brothers or sisters better than any good upbringing.

Much, of course, depends on the age difference between the brothers or sisters. Psychologists say that the most conflictual relationships often develop between children who are close in age, for example, the same age. But there is another side - it’s easier to share secrets and problems with peers, to tell things that you can’t tell your parents. So sometimes our brothers and sisters know us even better than mom and dad.

Causes of conflicts

Certainly, "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way", and every family conflict has its own unique backstory. But very often problems in relationships between adult brothers and sisters come from childhood. Let's look at the most common causes of conflicts.

Rivalry

When there are several children in a family, they always share something. Toys, outfits, territory, love and attention from parents. Younger people often compete with older ones, trying to prove that they are better. Elders sometimes feel that younger parents love them more and are acutely worried about this. Sometimes this rivalry from childhood carries over into adulthood and poisons relationships.

Hidden grievances

A conversation between adult sisters can follow a rather paradoxical pattern. Starting with what movie to watch today, it may well end in an argument about who broke whose doll in childhood. Siblings who grew up together have a lot in common. Upbringing, manners, habits. And, of course, resentment. Sometimes, unfortunately, they are not forgotten and interfere with normal communication throughout your life.

Complexes of seniors and juniors

During childhood, children develop established roles. The elder one educates, teaches, scolds. The younger one obeys or rebels, but in any case often repeats after the older one, learns a lot from her and counts on her help. The problem is that not everyone is ready to reconsider these established relationships in adulthood, when the age difference between them has almost disappeared. The eldest continues to teach her no less adult sister about life and treats her with a sense of superiority. The younger one, naturally, does not like this approach - she is already an adult, and she does not need teachers. Failure to reconsider the usual paradigm of relationships can ruin these relationships forever.

Brothers and sisters. Version 2.0

There are a lot of brothers and sisters among my friends. They have excellent relationships, common hobbies and friends, many even decided to work together. At the same time, I don’t know a single brotherly or sisterly couple who would say that this peace and idyll have reigned in their relationship since childhood. On the contrary, everyone admits that they swore terribly, had conflicts and often fought. Elders complain that they were forced "these uncontrollable little ones", and the younger ones claim that they grew up in an aggressive environment where they had to "fight for survival."

However, out of this difficult relationship, a strong friendship developed in the future. The secret is that, as you grow up, you need to reconsider or, as it is fashionable to say, reboot old relationships. Let all the grievances, complaints and familiar, but uncomfortable for you, framework of social roles remain in the previous version. And then it turns out that the sister or brother is a very interesting person with whom there is something to talk about and from whom there is something to learn. And it will also turn out that this particular person with whom it is sometimes so difficult for you to understand each other, actually understands you much better than all the other people in the world.

My sisters and I had terrible fights when we were kids. But that’s not what I remember most. And the fact is that if one of us was punished, others would definitely come up and feel sorry for us and try to calm us down. This support and the impossibility of betrayal - it seems to me that this is the hallmark of sisterhood. Let you evaluate the value of this not immediately, but after many years.

And sisters cannot be deceived. How many times have I been convinced to play "Mafia" impossible with them. You can't fool them.

Let's call our sisters and brothers and tell them something good. Just like that, for no reason. Because they deserve it.

Do you have brothers or sisters? Did you fight a lot as a child? What is your relationship with them now?